There are these two gay men, named Gilbert and Brian, driving happily along in their car.

As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light.

All of a sudden a big semi-trailer comes crunching through the back of their car!

Gilbert and Brian were really pissed!

Gilbert says to Brian to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver.

So Brian gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)!

"You bloody idiot! Look at what you've done to our beloved car!", exclaims Brian. "You're going to pay for this damage you know!"

"Suck my dick!", shouts the truck driver.

This prompted Brian to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Gilbert.

"I think he wants to settle out of court, Gilbert."

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's
best friend.

They make love for hours.

Afterwards, they're just lying
there, each savoring the nearness of the other.

The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house' she reaches
over and picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens,
only hearing her side of the conversation.

She is speaking in a cheery
voice.

"Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so
happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Okay. Buh-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's
having on his fishing trip with you."

A woman went to the gynacologist and said that here pussy was itching, so
he checked her out. He said, "You have crabs."

She said, "There is no way, because I am a 50 year old virgin."

So he sent
her to another gynacolgist to see what he thought.

He told her the same
thing "You have crabs."

She still couldnt believe it so she went to yet a 3rd gynacologist and he
checked her out.

She said, "I am a 50 year old virgin and the other doctors
said I had crabs. Do I??"

He said, "No you dont have crabs you have fruit flies because your cherry
is spoiled!"

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom.

She wasn't quite ready, so they sat down and waited.

Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist and blurts out, "My Daddy says you're a fairy.
May I see your magic wand?"

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss.

They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".

Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing.

Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!"

To which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy"

Whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fucking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

A guy's bee farm is hit by a cyclone, sweetening everything in the
next county.

He goes to a bank for a loan to start anew.

The banker
loans him the money.

A month later, he's back in the bank, asking for another loan.

"But we just loaned you money to restock," says the banker.

"Yeah, but I had a little bad luck," says the farmer. "I spent the
money on new hives and a choice queen bee from Iowa. The queen turned
out to be a common whore and took up with a horsefly. Now all the honey
tastes like shit and I had to burn the hives."

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.

God addressed Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replied, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and
that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is
used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and said "Okay, I can live with that. Come
and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think
people should be able to make their own choices about things and that
no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also
believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says
"Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates.

"Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding.

When he
asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But
officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car the
the car in back of me."

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's hearing.

It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn't
respond.

The lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.

The doctor said to her, "when you go home, tell your
husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should
stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner.
Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds
to your question so you know exactly how far away he
is from you when he finally hears you."

She thought this was a great idea.

When she got
home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway
and yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"

There
was no response.

She moved 10 feet closer.

Again she
yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"

No
response.

She moved another 15 feet closer to where
she was now practically face to face with her husband.

She
yelled even louder this time, "HERBERT, what do you want
for dinner?!!"

Herbert yells back at her, "For the THIRD
time, I want chicken!!"

Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted to be Jewish.

As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process.

He studied Judaism all semester.

Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.

On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.

The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $500."

"Holy Mother! $5,000!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How about $50?"

"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

Moses, Jesus and God are all playing golf on a bright and sunny day.

On the eighteenth hole, Moses hits a line drive right into the
middle of a pond.

Well, Moses parts the water, walks out there, and
hits the ball to the tee.

Jesus was then next and on his turn he hit it into a lily pad in the
pond.

Well, Jesus walks on water, lines up his shot and hits it to
the tee.

Now it's God's turn.

He hits the ball towards the pond but before it
hits the water a giant bass leaps up and catches the ball it's
mouth.

But before the bass hits the water, an eagle swoops down, and
grabs the bass by it's mouth.

The eagle, not looking where it was
going flies into a tree, dropping the bass which drops the ball into
the eighteenth hole...scoring a hole in one!

Through the midst of God doing his victory dance, Jesus leans over
to him and says "Now Dad, if your going to play like that, Moses and
I are not going to take you golfing again!"

A woman goes to the Doctors with a very embarrassing disfigurement.

"Will you promise not to laugh", she asks the Doc.

"I promise" says the Doc. 

So she takes her blouse off and exposes one large ample breast right in the middle of her chest.

To which the Doc burst into fits of laughter.

"I knew you'd laugh, I just knew it ", cried the woman, so she lifted her arm and pissed on him.