Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to
do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of
trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens,
face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM
PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and
I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a
guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of
17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in
which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on
his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on
here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter?
Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then
Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of
a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business
started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day,
and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are
over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and
multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten
thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do
you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter
is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate
headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual
inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then
continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill
sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill.
"Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational
orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to
induction
center #23.

He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing
everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill
angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's
best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that
Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to
supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest
computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a
multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server
network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant.
Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job!
This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger
than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the
miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was
dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly
row-by-row, half a million ....

.... Macintoshes ....

.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single
byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he
had
spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about
PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What
about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs
running Windows, then ....

.... GO TO HELL!"

The weekend was topped off with twelve guys coming over to
watch the Bears game.

My Dad, my brothers, some friends,
even Lewis stopped by.

My wife got one whiff of the unshowered
bunch and packed up the kids and headed for the mall.

So there we were screaming and yelling at the TV when a Levis
commercial comes on.

It's the one where the invisible couple
get it on.

First, her shirt is sexily peeled off only to
reveal nothing.

Then her pants come off, and again we see
only air...I said air, not hair.

The guys were transfixed.

One guy even ran to the washroom.

"Damn," said Lewis. "I wish my wife was like that."

My dad said, "What, curvy and playful?"

"No," he said. "Invisible."

One sperm was determined that when his big chance came he was going to be the first one to the egg.

To make sure that he was the first he constantly exercised.

Every chance he got he was doing sit ups, push-ups and of course swimming. Finally it was his big chance.

He told all the other sperms that he would see them at the egg.

When they all got the start signal he was off like a shot.

Soon he was out of all the other sperms sight.

All of a sudden they looked up and he was frantically swimming back.

At the top of his lungs he was screaming "Go back, go back, it's only a blow job".

ADENOIDS: Space creatures whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto.

ANASTHESIA: Rushun princez y'all studyed in skool.

ANTACID: Haloosinagenic drugs uzed by little bugs.

ARTERY: Whut the plastik Jesus on yer dashboard is.

BOWEL: A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U.

BRONCHITIS: Dinosour frum the plastikseen age.

CAT SCAN: Lookin' fer hookers.

CAUTERIZE: Makin' eye contak with a hooker.

D&C: Washingtun--whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress peepul live.

ENEMA: Sumone who ain't no frend.

FESTER: Yer unkles name.

GENITAL: Hed of a army--fer instanz, Genital Robert E. Lee. G.I.

SERIES: Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

HYPODERMIC: Big, fat zoo crittur.

PAP SMEAR: When peepul sez nasti things abowt yer pappy.

RECOVERY: Whar yew fix up yer fernitur.

RECTUM: Whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk.

SEIZURE: Emperore of Rome.

TESTICLES: Books of the bible.

TUMOR: Number of beers yew can drink after last call.

URINE: Opposyte of yer out.

A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if....

• You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
• You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
• You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
• You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
• The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
• They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.
• You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
• You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
• Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
• You still hide your best make-up.

• Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
  Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
  by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear
  and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
  I found that the subsequent food poisoning
  enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
  turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• No time for a bath?
  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
  The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
  (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be
  selected).
• If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
  Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto!
  The blockage is almost instantly removed.
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.
  The following morning you can create the effects of hangover
  by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid
  and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car
zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing
his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in
Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "that'll be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.

The old legal
lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was
very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100
when we broke in!"

A guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out.

His friends took him to the doctor.

The man asked him, "Well, what do you
think, doc?"

The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support
for about a week."

He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all
together with string.

The man's face looked disappointed, he told the
doctor"But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon."

The doctor replied, "Your
going to have to bear with it."

Later that night, the man and his wife were
in bed.

She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts,"No one has ever seen
these before."

The man pulls out his wang and says, "Well mine's still in the
crate!"