"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas .

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas ."

When he finally arrived in Texas , he decided to visit a bar.

Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.

He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas ."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.

Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.

Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.

Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said.

Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

Bob walks into a hardware store and asks for a bicycle puncture repair kit.

The store guy hands him one and says...

"So, did you get a flat tire on your bike ?".

"No, my bicycle is fine. It's for the girlfriend".

"A new girlfriend Bob? Congratulations. Things are looking up for you.
Where is she from ?".

"Holland. She came in the post last week"

Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today"

HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear"

HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good
news"

HER "Well, the air bag works"

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for
a train.

Along came this woman, seeing the 2 cute babies,
started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their
names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a
father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom
salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to
my company."

• From the Middle Ages until the 18th century the local barber's duties included dentistry, blood letting, minor operations and bone-setting. The barber's striped red pole originates from when patients would grip the pole during an operation.
• The US nickname Uncle Sam was derived from Uncle Sam Wilson, a meat inspector in Troy, New York.
• The living does not outnumber the dead: since the creation about 60 billion people have died.
• The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
• Midday refers to the moment the sun crosses the local meridian.
• Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 metres.
• If you ask someone to pick a number between five and ten and tried to guess, it you'd be wrong five out of six times. But here's a way to improve your odds: Write the number 7 on a piece of paper and hide it. Now ask someone to respond quickly to these questions: "Five times five?" "Six times Six?" "Name a color?" "Name a number between five and ten?" Most people will respond seven.
• Ladybugs bleed to protect themselves. When alarmed, they release drops of a reddish or yellowish bitter tasting liquid from their mouths and from the pores at their joints. This repels prospective attackers.
• The stomach of a dissected gray shark contained the hindquarters of a pig, the front half of a dog, 300 pounds of horsemeat, and eight sheep legs.
• Sleep like a baby? 77% of pediatricians surveyed had recommended nonprescription sleep medications for kids in the previous six months. 58% had prescribed one, and about 15% had recommended herbal remedies.
• The muscle that lets your eye blink is the fastest muscle in your body. It allows you to blink 5 times a second. On average, you blink 15 000 times a day. Women blink twice as much as men.
• A typical athlete's heart churns out 25 to 30 litres (up to 8 gallons) of blood per minute.

• ARTERY = The study of paintings.
• BARIUM = What we do when patients die.
• BOWEL = A letter like (A E I O U ).
• CAUTERIZE = Make eye contact with her.
• DILATE = To live a long time
• ENEMA = *Not* a friend.
• LABOR PAIN = Getting hurt at work.
• MORBID = A higher offer.
• NITRATES = Cheaper then day rates.
• NODE = Was aware of.
• PELVIS = A cousin of Elvis?
• RECTUM = Nearly killed 'em.
• TUMOR = More than one.
• URINE = Opposite of you're out.
• VARICOSE = Nearby.

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent.
Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Q: What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?

A: A hot dog and a six-pack.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

He spies a lovely looking creature sitting at a table on her own and decides to make a move.

He goes over and says 'Hi, I've got something I'd like to show you', and sits down next to her.

He looks harmless enough and she decides to play along, 'Whats that then?', she enquires. 

'It's my watch. It can tell me everything I need to know about someone just by looking at it.'

'That's bullshit!' she retorts. 

'No, really, its true!'

He then stares intently at his watch for a few seconds and then says, 'For instance, I can tell by my watch that you're not wearing any underwear'.

She grins smugly and says ' Well, that's where you're wrong, I do have underwear on.'

The man looks back at his watch, with a puzzled look on his face.

A second later the puzzled expression is slowly replaced by a grin of recognition and he says 'I know what it is, I set my watch ten minutes fast this morning!!'