Two babies were sat in their prams, when one baby, Little Johnny shouted to the other: "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the Little Baby Johnny.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said Little baby Johnny chuckling. "I'll climb into your pram and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's pram, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the Little baby Johnny, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones"!
"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?"
a parishioner asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son, absolutely."
"Ok. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that
$25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75.
The trooper asked, "Got any I. D.?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.
He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the North!”
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee!!"
Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"
Finally our focused golfer stopped.
He turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second stroke for this hole?"
What do the female reindeer do on Christmas Eve while the males are
pulling Santa's sleigh?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a
gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
Once upon a time, there was a man who married in his youth the most
perfect woman for him.
She was beautiful, charming, witty,
independent, sexy and she loved her husband dearly.
It caused him the utmost grief when she died not long after their
marriage, and he mourned her for many years.
In time he overcame his grief and married again, but this woman was
pretty only because of the volumes of makeup she wore, was witty only
in a painfully sarcastic way, was independent only because she could
find no one to be dependent on, was never sexy, and if she loved her
husband, it was in the most twisted fashion imaginable.
He soon
regretted his decision to marry again, and booted the nagging witch as
quickly as possible.
After more time, the man eventually found another woman who was at
least the equal to his first wife, if not better.
He was in luck, she
did not die, nor did she prove a Harpy after the vows were made, and
they lived many happy years and had several children.
It did not take him long, in fact, to get over what had proven to be
... a very brief mid-wife crisis.
Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't need to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad
news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got
3 months to live".
The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then
Doctor?".
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You
see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way
up to heaven?"
The patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm
fucking her."
There once was a fellow named Chris
Whose love life was strangely amiss.
For even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis
Could seldom do better than t
h
I
s.
A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH.
QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, "your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well then", she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Dear God,
I think you'd be proud of me!
So far today I've done all right.
I
haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for
that.
In a few minutes, though, I'm going to get out of bed.
From
then on I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Amen.