"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband
told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the
door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always
ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she
keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the
television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex
or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured,
but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips
close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'

A man was wondering in the woods pondering all the
things of life, and his own personal problems.

The man couldn't find the answers so he sought help
from God.

"God, God, you there God?" he asked

"Yes. What is it my son?" God answered.

"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.

"Go ahead my son."

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God answered " A million years to me is only a second."

Then the man asked, " God, what is a million dollars
worth to you?"

God replied "A million dollars to me is worth only a
penny."

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final
question...
"God, can I have a penny?"

God answered "Sure, in a second."

Because they needed some help around the house, the minister's wife
placed an ad for a manservant.

Around 8 a.m. the next morming a nicely dressed young man appears at
their front door.

"Can you fix breakfast by 7 a.m. every day?" the minister asks the young man.

"Well...... I guess I can," came the bewildered reply.

"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also." the minister continued.

"Gee, sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's
going to be that much work, you can count me out right now!"

The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the
bellboy to take him to the 18th floor.

"Sure thing, son" replied the bellboy.

"How dare you call me son!?!" exclaimed the outraged man.

"Well," replied the boy, "I brought you up, didn't I?

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?

A: Nudity.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?

A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?

A: Wake her up first!

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams.

To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride.

He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's
office.

He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to
pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.

While I was in his
office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"

He said "two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word." he responded.

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

To be happy with a man you must
understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try
to understand her at all.

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.

On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same.

The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.

Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon.

Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.

However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch.

"What does it feel liketo sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."