A man took his entire family on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there his wife's mother passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The couple discussed it and the woman really wanted to have her mother shipped home. the man agreed with her.
The man told the undertaker their decision to have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the holy land and you would spend only $150."
"Between you and me," the man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead."
"I just can't take that chance."
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the plea of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary.
"What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a bread truck," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties.
He tried to get it out but it was really stuck.
As he struggled to free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around.
To his horror he saw a train coming.
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop being bad!"
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck.
He looked up to see the train getting closer!
He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!"
Still nothing, his foot was wedged tight.
The train was just seconds away!
Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.
He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop trying to look up little Mary's dress."
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself..."
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches.
Then the bartender says, "Sorry, but you can't eat your own food in here."
So the two guys look at each other and swap lunches.
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what
it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio
and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'
Steven Wright
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the
sex. It's also the food preparation.
Homer Simpson
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been
feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of
water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take
the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers,
"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
A doctor examined a woman and took her husband aside.
"I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but I don't like
the way your wife looks at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great
cook and real good with the kids."
MIAMI Fla. - Hawkeyed customs officials became suspicious of
Barbados pet store owner Rodney Carrington when he tried to
enter the U.S. with his pants bulging in several unusual
places. He told customs officers at Miami International
Airport he had nothing to declare, but when the bulges began
moving and wriggling they decided to investigate. What they
found were 55 4-inch-long red-footed tortoises which Carrington
had stuffed down his pants. They cost about $5 in Barbados,
but go for up to $75 in the U.S.
["So, is that a snapping turtle in your pocket or..." sorry,
someone had to say it, and it might as well be me.]