A young boy asked his mother, "Mom, do all fairy tales
begin with, "Onceupon a time?' "

His mother thought for a moment and then said, "No, dear.
Once in a while they begin with 'I'll be working late at
the office tonight.'"

"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that?"

"He used to."

"How come he stopped ?"

"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I asked, "Can
I depend on that?"

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker
came by.

She told the census taker that her daddy was a
doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an
appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for
such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even
include the anesthesiologist!"

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the
man was reading the ads in the paper.

He looked up and said,
"Here is a great sale on tires!"

His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."

He says, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?"

"A dime has 118 ridges around the edge."

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antiques store and saw
a mirror.

The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror, you must say
something true and if it's true you can make a wish and it will come true.
If it's not true you will disappear."

The blonde, red head, and brunette bought the mirror and brought it home
with them.

First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most
beautiful girl in the world."

Poof, she vanished.

Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the
smartest girl in the world."

Poof, she disappeared.

Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think...."

And Poof, she disappeared.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything
to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen,
so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles
to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final
hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says
nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you
don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no
sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's... Father
O'Malley."

Q. How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A. By the buckle print on her forehead.

• Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
• Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
• Man who walk thru airport turn stile sideways going to Bangkok.
• Man with one chop stick go hungry.
• Man who scratches ass should not bite finger nails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• A walk in baseball term is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
• Thong panties are next to best thing on earth.
• War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
• Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other.

The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

This guy was pulled over by the cop who then got out of his patrol car and
walked over to the drivers window.

"Can you tell me why you have got a dog with no legs tied to your bumper?" the cop says.

"Oh, that's my dog called 'Cigarette' - I was taking him from a drag"

• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted - Telepath: you know where to apply
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Keep honking, I'm reloading.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"