During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle
from one of the back pews.
Gary's mother was horrified.
She pinched
him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do
such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle...And He just
then did!"
A woman was walking down the street when a man who was carrying out a survey stopped her.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got the antenna stuck up your ass"!
The Schitt Lineage Revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't
know Jack Schitt!"
Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children:
Holie Schitt, and the twins; Deep Schitt and Dip
Schitt, plus Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school
dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later
married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name.
She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were
inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens
brothers in dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt the
prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned with
his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
There you have it, when someone says you
don't know Jack Schitt, now you can correct them.
An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
“Take a couple swings at that tree over there.” The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
“Holy smokes, you’ve got quite the arm! You’re absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here.” The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
“That’s incredible!” Cried the foreman. “Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!”
“In the Sahara Forest.” Replied the lumberjack.
“Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?” Asked the foreman.
“That’s why I’m here.”
2 nuns were walking in Central Park in New York late at night and 2 men came out of the bushes, and started to force them into having sex.
The first nun prayed saying, "Forgive him Lord for he does not know what he is doing,"
While the other nun screams, "Mine does!"
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey.
So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name?” asked the student
"John”, replied the man.
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what your favourite pastime is?”
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.
He liked the esoteric answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name?”
"Jeff!” said the second man.
"Sir, would you please tell me your favorite pastime?”
"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in the bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles !"
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?"
- Bill Gates, 1981
"Any serious graphics applications still run better on Apple's
Macintosh platform..." - Bill Gates, 1991
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the
best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't
last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice
Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken
Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,
1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the
1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University
management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found
Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers,
1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
-Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you
make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M
"Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we
went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'"
-Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P
interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools."
-1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary
rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just
have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by
inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary
to Queen Victoria 1873.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
- Oscar Wilde
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute
in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my
name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when
Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her
name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember
it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Convicted murderer, Horst Schubert, was
apprehended just six hours after escaping a maximum security
prison in Munich.
Where was he found?
He was apprehended at
the cemetery where his victim was buried.
It seems that Horst
was found digging up the very grave of his victim because he
wanted to convince everybody that he was not dead.
[Wonder what Horst would have done if the victim had been
cremated?]
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 iron".
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog."Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?".
The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood", the frog answers.
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas".
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette".
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6".
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
A guy was driving down a road and he ran out of gas.
He went to the
nearest house to ask for help.
As soon as the owner opened the door,
it started to pour, so the guy asked to stay overnight.
The owner
said, "OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do,
don't touch it."
The man went up to the guestroom, but he was too
curious.
He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster.
He
decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made
faces.
He did both but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster.
Up the monster jumped and
chased the man all over the country.
When the man got to a cliff, he
thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster arrived, he touched the man and said, "You're it!"