A wife arriving home form a shopping trip was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young thing.
Just as she was about to storm
out of the house her husband stopped her with these words:
Before you leave I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving
down the highway I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled. So
I stopped and brought her home. Then I made her a meal from the roast
beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn
sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of the good shoes you had
discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her
the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because
the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair
of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.
Then as she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is
there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Two good ole boys, Billy Bob and Joe Wayne were hunting one a sunny day.
Now Joe Wayne was not the brightest person in the world.
They came up on a pretty young girl sunbathing in the nude....
Billy Bob jumped up and said, "boy, she looks good enough to eat."
So, Joe Wayne shot her.
Say the word COW before each word.
Cows
Now say the word COW After each word
Now say the word COW before AND after each word
Now Read the word upwards from the bottom.
Three kingdoms were in dispute over claims to an island in the middle of lake on which they all bordered.
Finally, after exhausting all diplomatic options, the rulers of the three kingdoms decided to send their best knights to the island for a great battle, and the winning kingdom would have claim to the island forever.
On the night before the battle, the three knights rowed out to the island, each with a retinue of their best squires.
Two of the groups of squires promptly got down to the business of polishing armor, sharpening weapons, and just generally making sure their respective knights were ready to face the others in the morning.
Meanwhile, the third squire tied a rope around the handle of a large kettle, hoisted it off the ground by a tree branch, and began cooking dinner, leaving his knight to tend to his own armor and weapons.
The battle, which began promptly at sunrise, was spectacular.
Three knights in gleaming armor clashed with razor-sharp weapons.
On and on it raged, until all three knights were dead.
Since the conflict had not been resolved, the squires then engaged in a battle of their own, until the only squire left standing was the one who had hoisted up the kettle to cook dinner the night before.
The moral: "The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two sides!"
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott
in June 1849.
Nott was shot and Shott was not.
In this case it is better
to be Shott than Nott.
Some said that Nott was not shot.
But Shott says that he
shot Nott.
It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be
possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself.
We
think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott,
but Nott.
Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.
Butt do I care ?
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of
birds.
The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all
night studying.
He had the textbook nearly memorized.
He knew his class
notes backward and forward.
Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in
the front row.
On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed
birds.
Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were
showing.
When class started, the professor announced that the students
were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common
name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs.
They all looked the same to him.
He started to get angry.
He had stayed up all night studying for this
test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS?
The more he thought
about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point.
He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk.
"What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the
difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is
the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit.
The professor was a
bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure.
Then,
just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait
a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me,
professor! You tell me!"
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "My dear soul,
You're in the wrong hole;
There's plenty of room in the right one."
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up
the Texan's offer.
One man gets up and leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman
who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet
still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first."
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.".
..And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.
When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
His father is all excited when he gets home.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper,like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"
The father says, "Oh, shit! I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
When the Yuppie answered her front door it was only to hear the
sorry tidings, shouted through the crack of the open door, that her
husband had been killed.
"And that's not the worst of it. I'm
afraid, Ma'am," said the foreman. "He was run over by a
steamroller."
"I'm in my bathrobe" said the new widow, "could you
slip him under the door?"
