A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.

The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks.

The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Victoria .

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.

At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining.

The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Victoria .

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to 20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.

At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable.

But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered:

"Cold day in hell - St Kilda must have won the Grand Final!"

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating
to the flight attendents that breakfast could be served.

One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled,"Who turned
on the fucking lights!?"

"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the
breakfast lights. You missed the fucking lights."

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"

Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a
mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."

As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy
traffic with complete abandon.

After a few hair raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would you please be more careful? I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabby. "You got six kids and ya got the
nerve to tell ME to be careful?"

"Seen my new secretary?" asked Cletus.

Yeah," his buddy Earl-Bob replied," she's gorgeous."

Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."

Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"

If
you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her  right tit,
she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels  better than the real
thing."

Sounds perfect."

I
got hurt once, though."

How?"

Well," Cletus grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil
sharpener.."

This fellow showed up at work one morning sleepless and haggard.

"What happened to you?" a co-worker asked.

"I was up nearly all night," the man said. "My wife and I had a terrible argument. She became historical."

"You mean hysterical," the co-worker replied.

"No. Historical," the man said. "She went over absolutely everything
I've done wrong over the last 25 years."

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup.

After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?" 

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
Phoenix to Flagstaff.

He got as far as Black Canyon City
before the mountains just became too much and he could go no
farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a
single person to stop.

Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled
over and offered him a ride.

Of course, the bike wouldn't
fit in the car.

The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the
highway and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to
the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to
honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.

Suddenly,
another Corvette blew past them.

Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off
after the other.

A short distance down the road, the
Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a
speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and
radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes
headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this,
but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."

After getting robbed this guy decides to go to the pet store
and get a really ferocious dog.

The guy at the pet store
tells him, "l've got the perfect dog for you."

So, he shows him a dog that's just sitting there licking his
butt.

He says to the employee, "This doesn't look like a very mean
dog. Do you have any others?"

To which the employee responds:

"This is the meanest dog l have. He just got done eating a
lawyer and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yeah?'

Biker: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'

Driver: 'No I haven't'

The Biker drives on, until he sees the next car.

While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes?'

Biker: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'

Driver: 'No I haven't'

Then suddenly there is a curve....and the Biker doesn't even slow down! He crashes off the road into a ditch.

A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky Biker.

Covered in blood and surely dying, the Biker asks: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'

'Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years'.

The Biker asks: 'Where are the brakes???'

This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves constantly roaming the net. Do you leave yourself logged in twenty-four hours a day, even when you're not home? Is your wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who you are.
Ok... shall we begin? Yes? 5 points... (you could've backed out.)
Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows: 2 for (a), 4 for (b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).

1) How many valid net addresses do you have? Multiple machines at the same site do not count.
[ ]Internet [ ]Bitnet
[ ]UUCP [ ]Freenet
[ ]Other public access [ ]Internet BBS
[ ]Other
(2 points each)

2) How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?
a) Huh?
b) More than one
c) More than five
d) I'm still looking for a really funky quote

3) On an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?
a) Nobody sends me any mail... sniff
b) Three, but they're all from Lester in the next cubicle over, because he has nothing better to do
c) I can't count that high, I failed calculus
d) Don't ask me now, I'm too busy. Send me e-mail.

4) All right, fess up. Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to see what the heck those perverts were talking about?
a) Yes, and I'm so ashamed
b) Yes, and I'm so embarrassed
c) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me...
d) No, never. (10 points. You're lying.)

5) Have you ever met one of your past SO's (significant others) via a computer network?
a) No
b) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted on
c) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)
d) Yes, by chatting over RELAY

6) Once you've logged onto your system, what do you spend most of your time doing?
a) Putting books on reserve in the library computer system.
b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelf
c) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funny
d) Writing up stupid quizzes because you've done everything else

7) If someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would be busy?
a) Zero... I've got call waiting
b) 25%.... I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)
c) 75%.... Duh, so that's why nobody ever calls me
d) Zero... My modem has a separate phone line

8) Which Usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?
a) The comp. groups... because they're so informative
b) The soc. groups.... because they're so multicultural
c) The rec. groups.... because they're so diverting
d) The alt. groups.... because I don't know what half those words mean

9) What's your worst complaint about having an Internet account?
a) I have to pay $5/month for it
b) The damn sysadmins won't give me enough quota to hold all my .gif's
c) All those programmers keep tying up the modem lines
d) I have to stay in school to keep it

10) Check your watch now. What time is it?
a) 10 am... coffee break
b) 3 pm.... General Hospital's on
c) 12 am... one last login before I hit the sack
d) 4 am.... Oh my God, I've got a test tomorrow

ALL RIGHT, GUYS. SCORING TIME.
0-25 points: You're not a nerd. Go read a manual or two and come back next year.
25-50 points: You're an up-and-coming Internet nerd. Why don't you telnet over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz BBS for a while.
50-75 points: You're a full-fledged Internet nerd. Join the club.
75-100 points: You're an Internet addict. Try going to the library this week, it'll do you some good.
100+ points: You're an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax. Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind. And don't forget to unsubscribe yourself from all those lists before you leave.

Three old men sitting on the veranda. "If only I could pee without pain,"
the first laments.

"If only I could have a normal bowel movement," the second sighs.

"I pee every morning at six, and have a perfect bowel movement at seven,"
says the third. "If only I could wake up before eight...."