A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversery.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But,..I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed.
"Yes.Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says "You"
The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm:
"Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff.
The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain.
"Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?"
The man's arm shot above his head.
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this
inscription:"You are not getting older, You are just getting
better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said,"Just put
'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting
better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that
he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door.
The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.
"Oh God," she cried,"it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."
The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped.
"I can't," he said,"we're on the thirteenth floor."
"For Christ sakes," cried the young lady in exasperation,"do you think this the right fuckin' time to be superstitious?"
A Scotsman went into a phone booth and called a number.
Connected,
he
said, "Mary, my love, will you marry me? Think it over and call me."
He gave her the number of the phone in the booth.
Hours went by and the Scotsman stood around.
The phone didn't ring once.
Another Scot, watching from a pub across the street, came over and said, "Look, lad. She won't marry you. You might as well come in and have a pint. Not that I'm buying, mind you."
The waiting Scot waved off his friend and continued to wait.
Suddenly the phone rang.
The Scot said, "Mary's the girl for me, I knew that. She was waiting for the
night rates!"
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
bedroom.
She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter
playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" Asked the mother.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married
so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The mother walked out
of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and
upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" He asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly.
I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a
husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one
hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer
and watching football with my son-in-law!!"
A guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey barkeep, did you ever hear the
one about the Michigan State Spartans?"
Four huge men stand up and
approach the man.
One of them says, "We play football at MSU, you
wanna tell that joke to us?"
The guy replies, "What? And have to
explain it four times?"
In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.
An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle.
She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards.
I typed the neccessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital.
"Just to visit a friend," she said, "but this has taken so long, I'm not sure I have time now."
Dear Kotex,
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantyliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it.
Annoying advice such as:
*Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
*Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
*Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
*Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries.
Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking
6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead...I triple-dog- friggen-dare-ya...
See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me are eating.. sleeping.. bitching or crying for no apparent reason.. ...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives.
Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass!
P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
