Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play raquetball.

Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his
head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my
husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis.

"He's
not my husband either." she says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof.. woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "it would make no sense at all."

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said,
"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for
it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they
pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before
going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman
meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.

"Yeah,
looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."

There
was a young woman from the Heath
Who circumcised men with her teeth
It's all very funny
'cos it wasn't for money
But for the cheese that she found underneath!

• Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before you agree to do the horizontal bop.
• Tell him his brother is a better lay.
• Tell him his sister is better in bed than his brother is.
• Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put the remote back together. Smile sweetly while he goes nuts.
• Create an email account in his best friend's name. Email him suggestive letters and sign it, Love, Floyd.
• Rub his stomach. Say "Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck."
• Fake an orgasm while riding in the car and stopped at a stop sign. Double points if the car is parked outside his favorite bar.
• Subscribe to Woman's World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make the subscription in his name.
• Call your mom. While he's listening, invite her to move in with you.
• Buy 1 ticket to his favorite, sold-out sporting event. Say, "It was the last one, but to prevent any hard feelings, I'll just tear it up so we don't have to decide who goes." Burn the ticket.
• Out of the blue, look him straight in the eye and say, "It doesn't matter." Ignore him for 30 minutes.
• Tell him your pregnant and you *think* he's the father.
• Write a letter to another guy during sex.
• Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer's shorts the last time you went out for a night on the town with the girls.
• Clean his tools with his favorite shirt.
• Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blow job he's ever had. Just before you start, say "DAMMIT! Chipped a tooth. Oh, well, it won't matter."
• Tell him you've invited some friends over to play strip poker. Then say that his golf/fishing/hunting/poker/drinking/etc. buddies should be here any minute.
• Tell him you've always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough money saved up for the operation. Triple points awarded if you say it in front of his parents.
• Tell him you want to be closer to him all the time, so from now on your gonna use ONLY his razors to shave your legs.
• Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.
• Tie him to the bed. Paint his toenails bright red.
• Tie him to the bed. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Do a striptease for him. Then have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him.
• Tie him to the bed. Put on an adult movie with the sound on and the screen turned at an angle that makes it VERY difficult to see.  

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds
himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter
runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating
the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter.
"We've added up your time sheets."

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly
stopped going to synagogue.

Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi
went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How
come after all these years we don't see you at services
anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"

You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"

It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes.

The man can't believe his eyes.

The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're *sure* ," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims.

He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees.

The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head.

She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold.

He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest.

One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.

"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One
says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know
where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere."

He
flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.

Pointing into the
night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."