Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey.
They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.
A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.
A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each others eyes.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."
"Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.
A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.
The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon"
A starving artist was complaining to his landlord.
"Twenty years from now people will come by here just to look at this house and say, 'Clean Laffs Joe, the famous writer once lived here.'"
The landlord was not impressed. "Listen, son, if you don't pay your rent, they'll be saying that day after tomorrow."
Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse.
Before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat*... he flattened the cat.
Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.
When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madam, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off ..."
"Not so fast," she says. "How do you know it was our cat?
Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
The man promptly flopped down on the ground and said, "He looks like this," as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
"Oh no, you horrible man," she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"
At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed, "Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"
Two priests are off to the locker room late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells . . .
"Holy Mary, Mother of God Hand Lotion too”
In case any of you are thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo:
These are actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could
barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along
they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they
just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must
be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection
and the light was red again, and again they went right
through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned
that she was mistaken.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next intersection to see what
was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
definitely red and they went right through.
She turned to
the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just
ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed
us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"
Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad.
Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's "papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past.
It was now Tony's wedding day.
It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "