A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game".
They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture.
The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.
"We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."
"Very clever!" remarks the other patron.
Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?"
"Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?"
"Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the
United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is
a terrible thing to waste"
1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself
by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.
A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper.
The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287.
He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group.
After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there.
She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".
The teacher leaned over and said quietly,"We don't say that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the
first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on
the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm
sure your wife will get over it soon enough."
The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true, but I can't get
over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"
Q: Why don't Polish women use vibrators?
A: It grinds their teeth.
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized. For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women has
encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for
over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"- it
rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
Dave was the vice-president of ACME, Inc.
One day the president, Mr.
Smith called him into his office.
He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."
"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow", Mr. Smith replied.
The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.
Barb was the first to arrive.
Dave said to her "Barb, I've got a problem."
"Really? What's wrong?", Barb replied.
"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."
