The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.
"I've been divorced three times."
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
Saved? And how did that come about?" asked
the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub,
he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing
him he guided my hand down between his legs
where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, " And Father John said
that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of
Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then
Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the
pathway to salvation was often painful and that
the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've
been blowing it for 40 years."
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper or peek in their windows, that's the time to do it.
A young couple were on their honeymoon in New England and decided to stop at a historic graveyard to look around.
After a few moments and knowing glances, they stripped off their clothes and went at it on a tomb.
The next day, the wife had a backache from her adventures and went to see a doctor.
The doctor asked her to strip and then examined her.
"How old are you my dear" the doctor asked.
"I am 22 replied the wife, why?"
The doctor replied,"Because on your ass it says that you died in 1755."
A couple comes upon a wishing well.
The husband leans over, makes a wish
and throws in a penny.
The wife decides to make a wish, too.
But she leans
over too much, falls into the well and drowns.
Stunned, the husband smiles
broadly and exclaims, "It really works!"
There is a new shoe for lesbians called Dike.
It comes with an extra long tongue and you can get it off
with one finger.
A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire.
They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they
don't really know how.
Luckily, a truck came along and the driver
offered to change it for them.
They gratefully accepted.
As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he
yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch!" The eldest nun said to him, "That is not
nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use
such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again.
Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers.
"Son-of-
a-bitch," he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing
you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset,
something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again.
And gain it slipped.
He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet
Jesus, help me."
At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all
by itself.
The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them.
"You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said
Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."
An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas.
Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks.
Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.
"Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."
The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope.
Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents.
In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping.
Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight- foot yeti standing above him.
In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process.
The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.
The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him.
After he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.
So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile.
After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow.
He looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.
The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away.
The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England.
As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed.
Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi.
Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.
After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition.
He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England!
The man had little choice but to run away again!
He used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.
Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside.
He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.
With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature.
With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him.
The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror.
The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yeti said, "Tag! You're it!"
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands
flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay
them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars
too!"
