Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but
by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
nother week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says, "Relax, Relax, you're just going through your change!"
A Southerner is having his breakfast (coffee, grits, biscuits, and jam) when a Northerner chewing obnoxiously on gum sits down next to him.
The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"
Southerner: "Yep."
Northerner: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up North, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South."
The Northerner has a smirk on his face.
The Southerner listens in silence.
The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"
Southerner: "Yep."
Northerner: (cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. Up North after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then send it down South.
Then the Southerner asks: "Y'all have sex up North?"
Northerner: "Why of course we do", the Northerner says, as he pops another big bubble.
Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use 'em?"
Northerner: "We throw them away, of course."
Southerner: We don't. Down South we put 'em in a jar, recycle'em, melt 'em down into bubble gum and sell 'em to Yankees."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and
looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell
out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the
pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you
got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the
planned Windows 2000:
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's
Grocery Store.
The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's
problem is, but the boys like to tease him.
They say he is two
bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it,
sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a
dime.
He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one
side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you.
They
think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.
Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
There once lived a young girl named Dot
Who loved to eat pig Shit and Snot
And when she couldn't find these,
She ate the green cheese
That she scraped off the sides of her Twat
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit
to earth to check things out.
He strolled into a bar and
approached the first man he saw.
"If you believe in me enough to give me $50," he said, "I
will grant you eternal life."
"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never
believed in God."
God walked up to another man and made the same offer.
"Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you
or not," the guy said, "but here's 50 bucks, just in case."
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm Pat
Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not," he
said excitedly. "But teach me the trick you did with the
agnostic and I'll give you $100."
Two couples went out golfing together.
The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.
No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.
She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob.
The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom.
While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life.
A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth.
She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."
Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret
agents.
They finally got through all their written and physical tests
when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to
a small room with another room adjacent to it.
They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there.
The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the
first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years."
The trainee took
the weapon, went into the next room.
He came back out one minute later
and said, "I can't do it."
The instructor replied, "Then you fail out
- get out."
The second candidate's wife was brought to the room.
The instructor
then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and
said, "Go kill your wife of ten years."
The trainee took the weapon,
went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I
can't do it."
The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room.
The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third
man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years."
The trainee took
the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one
minute.
Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a
huge commotion in the room.
The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "Good
job, asshole! You gave me blanks. I had to choke the bitch."
