One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out.
The next day the dog was back.
He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"We have ten children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep."
"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please."
"All right, what is your age?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And the age of the bride?"
"She's 15, sir."
"15? That's too young! Marrying you would be against the law!"
"I see, " said the young man.
"Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face.
No response.
Then he rubs her wrists.
Nothing.
He even tries mouth to mouth.
The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack.
He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body.
Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, substantial breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs.
Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her breasts, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"Oh, it wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!!"
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss.
He
comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar,
muttering and swearing very softly.
The barkeep approaches
the customer and asks what the problem is.
"Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at
the urinal and put a gun to my head".
"Ouch! What happened?"
"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"
"Yeah, then what?"
"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug
and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial
leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation
of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive 98
Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the
sexual services sector.
Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a
package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive 98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.
They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware.
If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements.
After
installation, operation commences.
One caution is that the user must
have sufficient RAM to complete the session.
When the session is
complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, "It
is now safe to turn off your partner."
DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing.
General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered.
Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these
have been eliminated.
The product needs to be installed each time its
used.
CONCLUSION
Contraceptive 98 is a robust product.
Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to
its shareware version.
Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,
Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive 98s
potential.
He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help
users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."
A wino was sitting at a bar, quietly sobbing into his beer.
A lawyer came
up and asked, "What's the problem, pal?"
The wino said, "I just found out that sperm banks pay $20 for a
donation."
"So," said the lawyer, "why are you crying?"
"I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!" the wino wailed.
United Parcel Service said it will stop shipping handguns
through its ground service...
... So use Federal Express if you absolutely, positively
have to shoot somebody overnight...
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something
was wrong.
He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.
The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.
"Help, Help !!"
The tower came back and asked what was wrong.
The blind guy says "Help Me!! I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're
flying upside down!!"
The tower comes back and says "How do you know you're upside down ?"
The blind guy replies, "Because the SHIT is running down my back !!"
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.
"Yes?"she inquires with a knowing smile,"can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know ?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."