Q: Did you hear about the 2 Mexicans on 'That's Incredible'?
A: One had car insurance and the other was an only child!
Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.
One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow.
He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena.
Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."
The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower.
Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls of shit.
Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did. Both handfulls.
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next
to an older woman.
After awhile, the woman starts to smell this
horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him
and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"
The
drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself."
The woman says,
"Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."
These two
college guys were talking about their sex lives and different techniques to make
it really good.
One of the guys
asked the other if he knew how to do it rodeo style.
The other guy
said, "No, what's that?"
"That's where
you start out doing it doggy style, hold a breast in each hand, tell her that
she feels SO much like your ex-girlfriend, then see if you can hold on for 8
seconds!"
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family of a weeping wife and their four children.
Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy.
The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
There’s a new drink called the Bin Laden.
It’s two shots and a splash of water.
The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars.
The
spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the
atmosphere.
Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe.
He removed
his space suit and exited the spacecraft.
He was amazed to find himself in
a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills.
He hiked for
some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush
green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better
Homes and Gardens.
He walked up to the front door and found it open.
He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he
went back there.
WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he
had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove.
Inside the pot was a
gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon.
As he watched she
kept stirring and stirring.
After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing.
She replied
that she was having a baby.
He was quite skeptical but after a couple
more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out
a beautiful baby girl.
He told her that was really amazing but that was
not the way it was done on Earth.
She replied "How do you do it on Earth?"
With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and I'll
show you.
After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay
back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.
She said "Well where is the baby?"
He said "Oh that takes nine months."
She replied, "Well why did you stop stirring."
Eddie goes to the doctor and says "Doc...I want you to turn me into a
Portagee."
The doctor frowns and says "Eddie...you realize that turning you into
a Portegee will involve removing 25% of your brain?".
"Yes. My mind is made up." Eddie replied.
A week later, Eddie is waking up from the surgery.
The doctor sees
that he is reviving and rushes over.
"My God Eddie! There's been a huge mistake! We accidentally removed
75% of your brain! I'm so sorry! Eddie! Speak to me!"
"What you talkin' 'bout mutha fucka?"
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half? the looking or the thinking?"
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
I cook mine in a microwave oven.
Place CD-ROM on a small paper cup in the center of the oven.
The CD-ROM should be at least an inch above the bottom of the oven and far from the sides.
Turn out the room lights for best visual effects.
Caution! be ready to stop the oven when the CD-ROM starts to smoke.
The smoke smells bad, and is probably bad for you.
Set the oven on high for 5 seconds.
Watch the pretty blue light show.
Turn on the room lights.
Look at the nifty fractal pattern etched into the aluminum.
If you have several CD-ROM's try some label side up and some label side down.
In my experience, CD-ROM's with thin ink in the labels work best.
They are prettiest when the label side is up.
CD-ROM's with thick label ink start to smoke earlier.
DEC CD-ROM's work very well, as they just have a bit of black lettering on a clear background.
I have a bunch of other CD-ROM's with full color pictures that don't work nearly as well.
Remember, don't try this with Mom's Beatles albums! This won't harm a modern Microwave oven, unless you cook the CD-ROM too long and coat the oven with smoke.
Old microwave ovens may have problems.
If you can't easily replace your oven, don't use it for science experiments.
The aluminum layer in a CD-ROM is very thin.
The microwave oven induces large currents in the aluminum.
This makes enough heat to vaporize the aluminum.
You then see a very small lightning storm as electric arcs go through the vaporized aluminum.
Within a few seconds there will be many paths etched through the aluminum, leaving behind little metalic islands.
Some of the islands will be shaped so that they make very good microwave antennas.
These spots will focus the microwave energy, and get very hot.
Now you will see just a few bright spots spewing a lot of smoke.
The good part of the light show is over, turn off the oven.
I suspect that if you leave the oven going much longer, the CD-ROM will burst into flame.
This will smell very bad and may do bad things to your oven and house.
Don't do it.
It's OK for a fat person to say, "You're so skinny."
However, a thin
person doesn't dare say, "You're so fat."
