There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't
then the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide
who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a
really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all
of the blondes started clapping.
Problem solved.
There was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels.
The neighboring town wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very angry, so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same building as a doctor's office.
The messenger goes in the wrong door, goes to the doctor and says, "Bowels not move."
So the doctor gives him a pill.
The messenger takes the pill back to the chief.
The next day the messenger is back and says , "Bowels still not move."
So the doctor gives him a stronger pill.
The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back ...."Bowels STILL no move."
So the doctor gives him the strongest pills he has.
The next day, the messenger comes back and says, "Bowels HAD to move. Tepee full of shit."
A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed
a little old lady following him around.
If he
stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she
kept staring at him.
She finally overtook
him at the checkout, and she turned to him
and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill
at ease; it's just that you look so much like
my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would
make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout ... and as
she was on her way out of the store, the man
called out, "Goodbye, Mother."
The little old
lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
into someone's day, he went to pay for his
groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother
said you'd pay for her things, too."
A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was
always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really
ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette
after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your
excuse?"
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a
tree, crying.
The officer stops and approaches the guy.
"What's going on
here?", he asks.
The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He
pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and
then tied me up."
The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down
his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day,
pal!"
"Because my client is uncertain which of the two men with
whom she lived concurrently is the father of her child, Your
Honor," stated the lawyer, "she seeks to combine them as joint
defendants in this legal action."
"So what she is really filing," commented the judge in a wry
tone, "is a paternity suit with two pair of pants."
As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs.Â
Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my baseball bat, thinking that could scare him off, and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.
I came around the corner with the bat raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him."
She looked my naked self up and down and mumbled, "You didn't need the bat."
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid, sing along with these new takes on old favorites: Deck the halls with Buddy Holly.
Two men
camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a
little testy.
One
morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's
nerves. Why don't we split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking
around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and
share our experiences over the campfire."
The
second friend agrees and hikes south.
The
first man hikes north.
That
night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a
beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I
swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer
come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and
hawks floated all day. How was your day?"
The
second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I
followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I
cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally,
when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow,"
the first guy says, "did she give you a blow job?"
"Well
no," says the second friend, "I couldn't find her head."
A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the lecture topic and on to his favorite subject; the evils of marijuana.
Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors about marujuana.
"Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"
"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration?!"
"You bet son," replied the professor smugly. "Just suppose your girlfriend uses marijuana, you're having sex, and she gets the munchies?"
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials.
However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.
The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically.
After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever.
But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces before getting a dejected look on his face.
He turned around and ambled back to the starting gate.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "You were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!?'"
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school.
Both came from good families.
Both are equally attractive and well spoken.
It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
