One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of
the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good
morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service", replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
It seems that there was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one
day he said to his mom, "Mom, all I've ever wanted was to see."
His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last
day of March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be
answered."
So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying
himself to sleep.
He wakes up half way through the night and
realizes that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour
before he falls asleep again.
He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom,
get in here fast!"
His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"
The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said, I prayed and
prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this
morning, and I'm still blind!"
And his mom says......."April Fools!!"
6:00 am: Get up early. Shower, shave, dance naked with the curtains
open.
6:15 am: Put on my really cool, plaid, wrinkle-free suit. Hide the
bodies and wipe off any possible finger prints.
6:30 am: Eat a half-rack of spare ribs and chug a pint of day old
Yoo-Hoo. Lock the dog in a small, unlit closet with no food or water.
6:45 am: Leave a dead fish in the mailbox. Depart for the airport.
7:30 am: Check my bags. Chain smoke in the airport lavatory.
8:00 am: Board the plane. Scare the guy sitting next to me by stuffing
my hands into my pants and yelling "down boy!"
8:15 am: Collect everyone's airsick bags and weave them into a sexy
nighty. Buzz the flight attendant and offer her a can of cocktail
weenies.
8:30 am: Take off for Disneyland.
9:00 am: Use my laptop to send "messages from space" to the cockpit.
Scream "There's a man on the wing of this plane!" over and over until
someone gives me a Valium.
9:05 am: Sleep, perchance to dream.
7:00 pm: Land at LAX Leave a special "ticking package" in the airplane
lavatory.
7:15 pm: Be the first one off the plane by declaring that the kidney in
my carry on bag must be delivered by sundown.
7:25 pm: While exiting the plane, announce to the folks waiting to
transfer "Damn that captain can put away some tequila!"
7:30 pm: Club an airport employee and steal his golf cart. Claim someone
else's luggage.
7:45 pm: Hail a cab. When the driver says "Where to?", wink and ask to
go back to his place.
7:50 pm: Get some ice for my head wound. Walk to the hotel.
8:30 pm: Check in at the hotel. Go to the hotel bar and stuff beer nuts
into my nose until asked to leave.
8:45 pm: Strip down to my dainty underthings and hang out in the lobby.
Beg for change in the lobby until asked to leave.
9:00 pm: Pee in the fountain. Proposition the bell hops. Go to my
room.
9:15 pm: Unpack.
9:30 pm: Toss the TV over the balcony. 10 pts if it lands in the pool.
50 pts if I kill a pedestrian. 100 pts if I kill a swimming pedestrian.
9:45 pm: Sing to my toothbrush. Cut eyeholes in the bed linens and
"haunt" the adjoining guest rooms.
9:50 pm: Use C4 and fishing line to set trip wires for the maid.
10:00 pm: Put on my golf shoes and very little else. Find the roughest
cowboy bar in town.
10:30 pm: Drink a shot of Jagermeister for every letter of the Chineese
alphabet. Walk from person to person in the bar, point to someone else
and say: "You gonna let him talk about your mom like that?"
10:35 pm: Leave quickly and quietly.
11:00 pm: Return to the hotel. Call room service and order poached eggs
for everyone on my floor.
11:15 pm: Hide in the hallway and taunt passers by with my anatomically
correct sock puppets.
11:30 pm: Do unspeakable things to myself with a hand mixer until the
wee hours of the morning.
3:00 am: Sleep...for tomorrow is another day.
One night a guy got really wasted.
In the morning, he rolled over and
sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen.
Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as
fast as he could.
He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to
tip-toe out.
Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg.
Looking down, he saw a girl just
as ugly as the one in the bed.
She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "What? Nothing
for the bridesmaid?"
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher.
Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300, a week's unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600. a week.
When the first guy found out he was furious.
He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher.
"I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter"
My dad
and i never got along, but i must say he did however give me one good piece of
advice.
He said
"Son, Don't ever marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."
There will be a high chance of darkness tonight.
Bill joined the foreign legion...
He was assigned to a fort way out in the Sahara Desert far from any town.
During his orientation session he asked the Sergeant what the Legionnaires did when they had to "relieve their urge."
"The desert provides, son," the Sergeant said.
"When you feel the need at night for pussy, go to the hut by the palm tree outside the fort. There's a hole in the side. Stick your dick in the hole and you'll get relief."
Bill was very skeptical, but soon he was so horny he was about to go out of his skull.
He waited until the sun descended, then ran out to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole.
Sure enough, a pair of warm lips surrounded his erect member and quickly brought him to ecstacy.
Bill suddenly had a new view of life in the legion.
He visited the hut the next night and the third.
But on the fourth night, when he thrust his dick in...nothing happened.
He rushed back, found the Sergeant, and asked, "What the hell is going on!?"
"Forgot to tell you," the Sergeant said.
"It's your night to sit in the hut."
A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink
company.
When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's
an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and
knock Seven-Up!"
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and pushing the boots just didn't want to go on.
By the time she'd got the second boot on, she'd worked up a sweat.
That's when the little boy said, "Mrs. Smith, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier getting them back off and re-put upon the correct feet.
That's when the little boy said, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue (who wants to swear at a 5 year old boy?) and managed to keep her cool as together they worked 'em back off.
He said, "They're my brother's. My mom made me wear them."
Mrs. Smith didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
But she mustered up the courage one more time to wrestle those boots on his feet again.
"Now," she said, "where are your mittens?"
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots."
REDMOND, Wash. -Nov. 23, 1999 -- In order to settle the dispute with the
Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be
acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an
undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press
that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a
wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned
for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q2 2000 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve
Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly
to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive
authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went
on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens
should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will
reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as
U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft and that the interns were much,
much prettier at Microsoft.
NOT TRUE!!! WE WISH!!!
A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river
fishing in their rowboat.
Twelve o'clock rolls around,
and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the
bank to have lunch.
He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you
say we have lunch over there?"
The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor.
The
deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river
and walks over to the bank.
The pastor looks on with
amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is
holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket,
steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and
sits with the first deacon.
Again, the pastor thinks, if his
second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely
he can.
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and falls
right into the water.
While he's splashing around the first
deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should
have told him where the tree stumps are?"
