Winners in the Minnesota Public Radio Bumper Sticker Contest
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the traffic light ahead turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and her car horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup from her hands.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell; opened the door and escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk . Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car."
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make
the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were
carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons
through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation,the first guy said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up pantystiycher.
Finding it classed as unskilled labour, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation.
"Diesel fitter, " he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job, the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week.
When the first guy found out, he was furious.
He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained: Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters skilled labour.
"What skill?" yelled the panty sticher. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'yep, diesel fitter'."
A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.
"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids", said the husband. "And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid."
"Nonsense," smiled the doctor. "It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?"
"Do what?" asked the wife.
When someone starts going on about the life-changing role the Star Wars movies have played in their developmental years, casually announce that you've never seen any of them, but hear they are "pretty good".
Get important terminology wrong.
(Drives the true fanatic nuts!) Confuse Wookies with "Winkies", call Yoda "Yodel", refer to Return of the Jedi as "Revenge of the Jedi", Phantom Menace as "Planet Menace".
Get very annoyed when corrected.
Get the names of the key characters wrong, or better still forget them.
"You remember the guy from these movies, you know, the one with the plastic head and the respiratory problem!" or "Oh, yeah, Ben-Wa Kenubi, my favorite, played by that English bloke.
Wassisname.
Sounds like a beer or something." Insist that The Empire Strikes Back is the only worthwhile Star Wars movie because it is "sooo dark." Deliberately confuse science fiction universes and inhabitants.
Double fun and satisfaction as this offends two sets of rabid Nerdocracies at the same time.
For example, insist that Luke Gripewater is fighting for "The Federation" and that Chewbaccy is a Vulcan.
Insist that "To boldly go where no man has gone before" is a Jedi commandment.
Brush off any attempt at correct with a dismissive " Whatever.
As if anybody really fucking cares." Make vaguely unsettling insinuations about George Lucas.
Try " Isn't he involved in some sort of DNA-cloning controversy?", or "I hear he only talks to his mother via a TV monitor", or "I read this piece where he (GL) said that Star Wars was written for people who hate sex" Insist that there is a "latent homo-erotic subtext" to the Han Solo/Luke Skystalker relationship and that you are made uncomfortable by Lucas' "non-critical, neo-Nazi aesthetic".
When asked what the fuck you are on about, roll your eyes and refer to the "blatant homage to Riefenstahl's Triumph of the Will" at the end of the first movie, then add "Don't tell me you didn't notice?" When some sad fuck describes the insane lengths they went to to see The Phantom Menace - camping out on the street, taking time off work, neglecting loved ones, not bathing and so on, respond by saying that someone "in the business" gave you a couple of free tickets to the official opening, but you lost them and add "Funny, that's the first time I thought about it." When they just won't shut up about how its the most spectacular movie event of all time and how you would have to be a moron not to dedicate every waking moment to it, simply say, "Yeah, my little sister and her little friends get a kick out of it all, you know how it is with these pop space movies." Sit there and listen while they are talking about how its so true to the original and wont shut up about how painstakingly the director attempted to create the depth and interest of the first three.
Then, simply say, "Jar Jar Brinks sucks a donkeys cock and the whole movie was made to market cheap Taiwanese toys at Burger King with his face plastered all over it." When the guy starts talking about when he was sitting in the theater borderline about to have a stroke watching Phantom Menace, casually say, "Yeah, I thought the ending was good, when my friends woke me up just towards the last quarter." The ultimate is to play stupid that the movie was even a big event.
"Phantom Menace? Yeah, I heard something about that in the local newspaper.
Something about the guy that made the first three is going at it again or something??? Dunno..." When someone is sitting there theorizing about how there's probably secret messages and things you can see if you look closely in the movie, just calmly sit there and say in a whisper "Then I guess you haven't played it backwards in a VCR before?".
Try not to laugh as the person (attempting to look calm and collected) slowly gets up, starts walking out of sight, then see them bolt down the street towards their house to try it.
Depending on how avid of a fan the person is, look for the smoke trail.
To make the last suggestion even more fun, wait for them to call back after they have gone through the whole movie backwards and couldn't find anything in phantom menace.
Tell them, "Ohh, that's right, it was in one of the other three episodes." When they tell you the lengths they went through and the sleepless nights spent trying to get a pirated copy before everyone got to see it in the theater, tell them "That's funny, I simply called the 1-800 number that was all over the Internet and got it mailed to me the same day, 3 weeks before the movie came out."
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by.
She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
This man comes out of a condo after doing some partying
and drinking at a friends apartment, the rain was
pouring down from the sky and he was getting soaked
with his hat drooping down from his head.
A taxi driver sees this man and stops, "Hey, do you
need a lift?"
The man weaves over to the passenger window and says in
a slurred voice,"yeah, but will you have enough room
for three six packs of beer and three large pepperoni
pizzas?"
The driver answers "Yeah, bring it on in"
...and the drunken man barfs all over the passenger
seat.
An attractive woman turned to the man in the business suit behind her in the elevator.
"Excuse me," she asked, "but aren't you Little Johnny?"
The man cleared his throat, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
"Oh," she gushed, "I've always wanted to meet you, Little Johnny. And now that we're together," she continued throatily, "I'll tell you what I'd like to do; I'm inviting you back to my room, where I'll kneel in front of you and pull out your cock and suck it till you have a giant hard-on and suck it some more until you come all over my face..."
"I don't know," said Little Johnny, thinking it over. "What's in it for me?"
A lady come home and caught her husband in the act of cheating on her.
The rural housewife went back to the back of the house and returned with
the family's .22 caliber rifle.
Aiming the weapon at her husband's balls she said, "I'm gonna turn a
bull into a steer, Jon!"
"No no!" pleaded Jon. "Not like this! C'mon, Judi, give me a sporting
chance, darlin'!"
"All right. I will. You can set 'em to swinging . . . "
