The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that
people think you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that
people think you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she
can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

New Delhi Makes Headway in Reincarnation Research

NEW DELHI, India - It has been discovered that
mental illness cannot be passed down from one lifetime to
another.

This startling disclosure comes after a New Delhi
study of 1600 people who underwent hypnotic regression.

Those participants who suffered from schizophrenia and
manic depression showed no signs of these problems in past
lives.

[Am I the only one who thinks they should save money on
this kind of research and spend it on feeding the poor?]

Drowsing contentedly after an afternoon of making love in bed, suddenly there's the sound of a the elevator coming up.
Dreamily, the girl whispers, "Oh, oh, quick get moving, that's my husband."
Quick as a flash, Bill jumps out of bed, rushes to the window to see who parked in the visitors lot and suddenly stops dead.

"What d'ya mean?" he bellows "I AM your husband!"

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.

She immediately called Saint Peter and said,

"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on
it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him
again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell.

He picked up
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey,  what do you think the neighbors would think if  I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money,"  she replied.

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see.

They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement...only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!!

The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?"

And he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmowing business."

So the woman finds a lawnmower and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?"

And he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off goes his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically!

"Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business--you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

The drunk asked where he could find a house of prostitution.

He got the right number but remembered it wrong and tried to get into a home where a woman was leaning over the sink washing dishes.

The drunk rushed over, threw her on the floor and began making love to her.

Her husband, in an adjoining room, heard the ruckus.

He ran to the kitchen, grabbed the drunk and proceeded to beat him to a pulp before throwing him out the door.

The drunk looked up at him from the driveway and said, "Boy, you sure got a lot to learn about running a whorehouse!"

I failed my driver's test.

The guy asked me "What do you do at a red light?"

I said "I don't know, look around, listen to the radio?"

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock
and found a taker. "I think this one will really
move," said the broker. "It's only $1 a share."

"Buy me 1,000 shares," said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2.

The client called
the broker and said, "You were right. Give me 5,000
more shares."

The next day the client looked in the paper and the
stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares."

"Great!" said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the
stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days,
the client ran to the phone and told the broker,"Sell all my shares!"

The broker asked, "To who? You were the only one
buying that stock."

One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decided to have a
contest over who can make the most outstanding shot.

Moses goes first.

He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for
the green.

Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard.

Undaunted,
Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball
dropped in.

The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot
away from the hole.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey Moses, that was a
pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do."

Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming towards the
green.

Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did.

The ball heads
straight for the water hazard.

Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of
dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of the water and rolls
onto dry land only 3 inches from the hole.

Moses says, "Wow, that was an
incredible shot!"

No sooner did Moses say this, than the skies grew dark.

The wind started
up, lightning and thunder crackled through the sky.

Suddenly a ball falls
from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit
theirs.

A fish swims up and swallows the ball.

An eagle swoops down, grabs
the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky.

Lightning
strikes the eagle and he drops the fish onto the green.

The fish opens his
mouth, the ball rolls out and drops into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your Dad plays!!"

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times"

You can pick your friends.

You can pick your nose.

But you can't pick your friends nose