New Product: Microsoft Contraceptives
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive99, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive99 suite consists of three products: Condom99, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.
The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive99 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector.
Contraceptive99 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive99 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom99 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION - Contraceptive99 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive99's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years."