One spring day a stranger walked into a small Italian town looking for a
job.

He met up with a farmer who hired him as a farmhand to help with the
planting.

On the way to the farm, which was thirty miles away, the farmer
asked the stranger what his name was.

The stranger said, "My name is John,
just plain John."

"Everybody has a last name," the farmer said.

"I don't
use my last name, because I am embarrassed of it," John said.

Finally,
after a lot of pushing about his name, John said "My last name is
Fivefingaupamyass."

"I'll just call you John," the farmer said.

When they got to the farm, the farmer introduced the new hired hand to his
wife.

Later that day while John was milking the cows, she asked her
husband about John's last name.

The farmer replied, "Call him John, just
plain John."

Her curiosity was not satisfied, however, so she went to the
barn to try to find out what John's last name was.

After much pleading,
John finally said, "I'll tell you my last name if you promise not to tell
anyone even your husband."

"I'll never tell anyone," she said.

"My last
name is very embarrassing to me, it's Phukmequik."

"I'll just call you
John," she said as her face turned red.

Later that afternoon the farmer's daughter came home from school and was
introduced to John.

The next day she was watching John while he did his
work and asked him about his last name.

After a great deal of pestering,
he made her promise not to tell, and she agreed to keep quiet.

"My last
name is Cuntitches."he said.

"I'll just call you John." she said.

The summer went by with no problems with John's work.

After the harvest
that fall the wife said to her husband, "Now that the crops are harvested,
why don't we take a vacation for a couple of weeks. John can handle things
here while we're gone."

The farmer agreed to talk to John about it that
evening.

That night the farmer talked to John and he agreed to watch the
farm.

The next day the family left.

Two weeks passed and the farmer and
his family returned.

They found an empty house, all their valuables were
gone, the cows were half starved and hadn't been milked in days.

The
farmer called the police, unfortunately John was not found.

Two years went by, the family replaced most of their belongings, and still
no trace of John.

One Fall day the farmer took his family to the horse
races at the county fair.

After a few minutes the daughter saw John on the
other side of the track.

She got her mother's attention and said, "Mom,
Cuntitches, Cuntitches."

"Well, scratch it," her mother said.

A few
minutes later she noticed John and said to her husband, "Phukmequik,
Phukmequik."

He replied, "Can't you wait until we get home?"

Then he saw
John.

He stood up and yelled, "I'll give twenty dollars to any man who can
get Fivefingaupamyass!"

Needless to say, John got away.

There are lessons to be learned.

One time a large cougar jumped a small
bull, killed him, and ate his share of the good red meat.

Filled, the puma
roared to let the world know that he'd done.

The rancher came by and
killed the puma with one shot.

The puma should have known...If you're full
of bull, keep your mouth shut!

A new study shows the people of Toronto prefer a snooze to
sex.

An opinion poll found 54 percent of the residents in
Toronto, Canada's largest city, would choose sleep over sex.

Within that group, women were more likely than men to turn down
sex in favor of sleep.

Frank Sommers, a Toronto psychiatrist
and sex therapist, said a fast-paced lifestyle was the problem.

[Forget Italy and Sweden. This is why Canada is on the
international razor's edge of sexual freedom!]

Bambi, the pert young blonde, filled her gas tank at a self service station.

After she had paid and driven away, she realized she'd left the gas cap on top of her car.

"Ooopsie" she said as she stopped and looked.

Sure enough, it was lost.

Mustering all her mental abilities she thought for a few minutes.

"Surely I'm not the only young, beautiful, blonde woman to have done this." She muttered to herself. "Others must have done the same thing. Maybe if I drive back the way I came, I'll find a gas cap that will fit, or maybe even the one I lost."

Bambi drove back down the street and sure enough, she found a gas cap laying by the side of the road.

She tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying "click".

"WOW, this is SO COOL", Bambi said to no one in particular. "I lost my gas cap, but found one that fits. It's even better than my old one because this one automatically LOCKS!"

A couple is lying in bed.

The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

Roses are red,
Pickles are green,
I love your legs,
and what's in between

Kissing is a habit,
Fucking is a game,
Guys get all the pleasure,
Girls get all the pain

The guy says "I love you,"
You believe it's true,
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says "to hell with you"

10 minutes of pleasure,
9 months in pain,
3 days in hospital,
A baby without a name

The baby is a bastard,
The mother is a whore,
This never would have happened,
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you,
Ohh baby I get horny

Eat me, Beat me,
Bite me, Blow me,
Suck me, Fuck me,
Very slowly,

If you kiss me,
don't be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!

A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy.

The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at DA last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face… I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!" 

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "Then he must be fucking her up the ass!"

One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home.

One of the special treats that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer.

Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly.

Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day.

This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door.

The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the
hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the
telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

Why do only l0% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

You gotta wonder just how hungry was the first guy who ate an oyster.