A guy and a girl met at a bar.

They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.

He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!"

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing. How did you determine that?"

The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. 

Things became more and more passionate and... (*snip*)

After their passionate deed was done (while the man the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very surprised, and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist... You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?'

His lover said, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3  candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back  after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

• If they are counting  the bricks - Put them in the accounts department.
• If they are recounting  them - Put them in auditing.
• If they have messed up the whole place with  the bricks - Put them in engineering.
• If they are arranging the  bricks in some strange order - Put them in planning.
• If they are  throwing the bricks at each other - Put them in operations.
• If they are  sleeping - Put them in security.
• If they have broken the bricks into  pieces - Put them in information technology.
• If they are sitting idle - Put them in human resources.
• If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved - Put them in sales.
• If  they have already left for the day - Put them in marketing.
• If they are  staring out of the window - Put them on strategic planning.

And then last  but not least.

• If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved?
  Congratulate them and put them in top management.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again, there's a bright flash - and his legs fall off.

Incontinence Hotline...
Can you hold, please?

Like my grandfather used to say, "Never wrestle with a pig,
you both get all dirty and the pig loves it."

The race-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.

He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my muff and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?!'" 

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk.

After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane.

Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land.

The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by.

He says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up.

"Crap!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?"

But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. 

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die."

so they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says, "Yeah, but look how *wide* it is!"

1. I swallowed a goldfish!
2. Did you know your lipstick works better than my crayons?
3. Does grape juice leave a stain??
4. The principal called.....
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window nowadays?
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh, Mommy?
9. Well, the dog sure doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out. (Well, maybe some days

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay.
But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me!"

• DATING The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
• EASY A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
• EYE CONTACT A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him.
  Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
• FRIEND A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
• INDIFFERENCE A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
• IRRITATING HABIT What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
• NYMPHOMANIAC A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
• SOBER A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
• ATTRACTION The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
• LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
• LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."