In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese
explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on ONE
   knee.

"Seen my new secretary?" asked Cletus.

Yeah," his buddy Earl-Bob replied," she's gorgeous."

Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."

Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"

If
you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her  right tit,
she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels  better than the real
thing."

Sounds perfect."

I
got hurt once, though."

How?"

Well," Cletus grimaced, "let's just say I didn't know her ass was a pencil
sharpener.."

Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq.

Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India."

Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."

There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events.

Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."

12 Not being allowed to wear your black trenchcoat means you'll have to try
to look intimidating in a lavender ski jacket.

11 "Mike, report to Principal Kevorkian's office

10 10th grade sucked last year. 10th grade will probably suck again this year.

9 All the other third grade boys have a "Phantom Menace"
lunchbox, but your mom decided to get you the more recent "Runaway Bride" lunchbox.

8 First-period P.E. with Mr. Torquemada and Mr. de Sade.

7 As you're escorted from the metal detector to the strip search room you
realize that this was not the ideal summer to have all that body piercing
done.

6 Five more years till you can do it with Ms. LeTourneau again.

5 Your mom's shopping habits, combined with a Sears clearance sale on
Underroos, has left you in quite a locker room dilemma.

4 The female goatee just hasn't caught on yet.

3 Your long-planned Kansas State Science Fair project on Australopithecus
is going to get you burned as a witch.

2 Thanks to Hollywood, warm apple pie no longer on cafeteria menu.

and the Number 1 Sign This School Year is Going to Suck.

1 1600 on the PSATs and a National Merit Scholar as a junior and nobody
knows who you are, but get drunk and have sex with just *one* goat at a
party.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first.

Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist.

George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him.

He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side.

Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next.

A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Archangel Michael replied ... "He's standing on Clinton's shoulders!”

Four guys are driving cross-country together-- one from Idaho, one from
Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag
and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?"

The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these darned things laying
around on the ground in Idaho - I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from
his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks "What are you doing that for?"

The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in
Iowa, I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes
the New Yorker out.

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying
to a supermodels conference in Paris, when the captain of the
plane announces:
"We have just lost power to the engines and are going to
make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"

The three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick
and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask:
"What the hell are you doing fixing your face when we are
about to
crash!"

Claudia responds:
"I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search
for and save,
the
ones with the best looking faces first, which is why I
am putting on
my
make-up."

Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds
of flesh
which
inexplicably defy the law of gravity.

Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout:
"Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring
your breasts
for
everyone to see when we are about to die?"

Cindy responds:
"I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the
rescue
workers
look to save the women with big beautiful breasts, which
is why I am
exposing them!"

Not hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to
expose her
"love
triangle."

Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell:
"Naomi, are you crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch
for everyone
to
see?"

Calmly, Naomi responds:
"Bitches, please! I know for a fact that the first thing
they look for
is
the black box."

If it rings, put it on hold;

If it clanks, call the repairman;

If it whistles, ignore it;

If it's a friend, take a break;

If it's the boss, look busy;

If it talks, take notes;

If it's handwritten, type it;

If it's typed, copy it;

If it's copied, file it;

If it's Friday, forget it!

• Yo mama's so fat, When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
• Yo mama's so fat, When she dances she makes the band skip.
• Yo mama's so fat, When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
• Yo mama's so fat, She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
• Yo mama's so fat, her ass has it's own congressman.
• Yo mama's so fat, When she goes to the zoo, the elephants throw her peanuts.
• Yo mama's so fat, Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
• Yo mama's so fat, Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side." Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
• Yo mama's so fat, All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
• Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
• Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
• Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
• Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
• Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
• Yo mama's so fat,when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
• Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
• Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
• Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
• Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
• Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
• Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
• Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 36 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.