The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord
as he
went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and
nearly
tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a
little girl
in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets
loose, will he hurt us?"

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,
Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on
Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have
red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat
up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower. "

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay
and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I
have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really
steams up

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss
me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac
and pours it in her lap.

He then strikes a match and lights
it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep
in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams
furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the
fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames...

Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints.

"Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides."

The old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well.

The man did as he was told, bit down and started chewing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhhh...this stuff tastes like shee-it."

"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that your memory is acting up, just take the other pill."

And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.

A couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"

She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know .there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?.. "LISTEN UP CHICKENSHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me
tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and
suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

• Doing little things well is a step toward doing big things better.
• If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
• A hangover is something to occupy a head that wasn't used to the night before.
• My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she's been playing my ex-girlfriend.
• My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I've been going with her almost a year now, and I never would have known she was married until my wife mentioned it just the other day.
• A speech is like a bicycle wheel; the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.
• George Washington never told a lie, proving that he neither liked to golf or fish.
• Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.
• Why do women like wearing black panties? It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those who were buried here"
• Did you hear the new and politically correct name for "lesbian"? It has been changed to "vagitarian".

I was diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I
look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward
the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from
the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car
keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the
table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage
anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1
check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go
inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been
drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push
the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke
is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye... they need water. I put the Coke on the
counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for
all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the
counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we
go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember
that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and
wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what
I was planning to do. At the end of the day: - the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid - there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the
counter - the flowers don't have enough water, - there is still only
1 check in my check book, - I can't find the remote, - I can't find
my glasses, - and I don't remember what I did with the car
keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know
I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help
for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

A middle age woman came home one day to find a note from her 54 year old accountant husband.

The note read:

Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When the accountant arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him from his wife.
It read:

Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18!

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around
with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered,"Yeah, 3 males and 2 females."
Curious, I inquired as to how he could
tell the difference.
He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on
the phone."

Little Johnny was sitting in class when the teacher asked him “Can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and joy into people’s lives?”

To which little Johnny replied “Smo-king, Drin-king and Fuc-king”.

A country boy ends up in the big city.

He is walking around in awe of everything.

He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar.

After a couple of beers, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can.

He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees.

And leaves quickly!

The barkeep lisps, "What's wrong?"

The country boy replies," You wouldn't believe what is going on in there."

"What?"

The country boy is shaking his head, "Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM."

The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question. "The guy in the middle wouldn't have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?"

"I think he was. Why?"

"He's lucky at cards too!"

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa.

They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"

The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"

The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"

The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!"