Three people go into a strip bar.

As they watch a stripper strut her stuff, the first guy licks a 100
dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt.

The next guy also licks a
100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt.

The third guy
walks in takes out a credit card, swipes it through her butt and takes the
200 dollars.

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.

The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search."

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.

It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says "Good boy."

He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles.

The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles.

Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

Mattel is proud to introduce Redneck Barbie!!

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy,
stuck-up, think-thur-better'n-y'all Barbies! Now every
girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with
her special trailer-park friend.

Every Redneck Barbie comes complete with:

• Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking
  pleasure!
• A six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It's on sale!)
  to refresh Barbie during her busy day of complaining and
  watching TV.
• Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and
  sandals. (Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be
  substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.) Waffle House
  uniform sold separately.
• White Trash Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair
  with black roots showing.
• Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press the button on
  Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again!
• Action nag pull string! White Trash Barbie can say 11
  phrases including "I tol' yew #$%&@! kids to git outa my
  yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my
  #$%&@! cigarettes?", and more.

Also Available:

• Barbie double-wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun
  complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set.
  Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included.
  Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset
  (Sold separately).
• White Trash Barbie's dream car, a 1982 Camaro in
  mix-n'- match colors, smokin' chokin' exhaust, and coat
  hanger radio antenna.
• Abusive boyfriend Ken with cowboy boots and MD 20/20
  bottle. Curses and mumbles when string is pulled.
• Married life Ken with Beer-bustin' expanding waist.
  Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, chips. Says,
  "Woman! Git me a beer." (Waist cannot be reduced once
  expanded.)

A new young bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding. "

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska ."

The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate is that she
would probably want to get married, then four weeks after
the wedding you would meet another perfect soul mate, with
larger breasts.

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
   lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your
   boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to
   bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that
   you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah,
   wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
   vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
   vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
   natural crocus oil... Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
   raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you
    must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
    waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose
    the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country.
16. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
17. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
    nails/tweezers if found.
18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
19. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

1. A phone-sex operator in Florida won a settlement after she filed for worker's compensation, saying she had suffered repetitive-motion injuries in both hands.
   The repetitive motion was the result of using her hands to give herself as many as seven orgasms a day while talking to clients.
2. A Canadian man is suing a New York coffee shop after suffering what he calls damage to his manhood.
   His penis was pinched between the toilet seat and bowl when he reached forward for toilet paper.
   He is asking for $1 million to compensate for his "dire and permanent injuries."
3. A California grandmother is suing Disneyland after she and her grandchildren witnessed Mickey Mouse taking off his costume backstage.
   The suit is due to her grand-children's traumatic experience.
4. Two surfers went to court after one allegedly stole the other's wave.
   The case was dismissed after court officials found it impossible to put a monetary value on the wave.
5. Lee Williams is suing a tattoo shop for spelling the word "villain" wrong in his tattoo.
   Neither Williams nor the tattoo artist knew how to spell the word.
   The tattoo ended up reading "villian."
6. A New York prison inmate is filing a suit for $8 million against the state after he accidentally shot himself with a gun he illegally smuggled into the jail.
   The inmate says that better security would have prevented him from getting the weapon inside.

A monk who's been sheltered all of his life in a monastery has to travel to the big city to meet his friend, a Catholic nun.  
On the streets of the city, he encounters a prostitute who says: "Blowjob? Five dollars?"  
"No, thank you!" the monk says, blushing.  
He moves on to the next street corner and another hooker asks him, "Blowjob? Five dollars?"  
He hurriedly rushes down the streets but on each corner there's a woman asking if he wants a blowjob.
By the time he reaches the convent, he's very upset.  
He asks his friend the nun, "Sister, what's a "blowjob?"  
She says, "Five dollars, same as down the street"  

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was
really sore from moving furniture.

"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to
move
if he's not on it."

Louie walks into work one Monday morning with a huge grin on his face.

One of his co-workers says, "Why are you so happy?"

Louie says, "I played Bingo for the first time in my life this weekend and I won a thousand bucks!"

A week later, Louie walks into work on Monday morning and he's skipping down the hall, high-fiving everyone.

One of his co-workers says, "You win at Bingo again?"

Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. I bought my first lottery ticket this weekend and I won five grand. I'm feeling so damn lucky that I think I'm going to ask that new Hindu girl in accounting out on a date!"

The next Monday morning, Louie is doing cartwheels down the hall.

One of his co-workers says, "Did you win another lottery?"

Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that.
You know that Hindu girl in accounting I asked out? Well, we had a great time at dinner, so I invited her up to my apartment for drinks, we wind up in bed, and the next thing I know she's giving me the best blow job I ever had!"

The co-worker says, "Man, are you frigging lucky!"

Louie says, "No, no, it's better than that. She's blowing me, I look down, and you know that red dot on her forehead? I scratched it . . .
.....and I won another ten grand!"

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought... but you're wrong !"

"Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong !"

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said:"I thought it was a fart..but I was wrong !!!"

A bill collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had
fallen behind on her bills.

"All right, lady," said the bill
collector, "how about the next installment on that couch?"

The lady shrugged. "I guess that's better than having to
give you money."