This guy was very keen on doing his Ph.D.
He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before!
As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in from of him.
He decided instantly to do a research on the roach.
He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run".
The roach ran.
He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run".
The roach ran.
He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said:"Run".
The roach ran.
This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg.
He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run".
The roach could not!
Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his
thesis:
"When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore".
Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch).
These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility. Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions.
Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions. These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.
ARG: Agree to Run Garbage
BDM: Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN: Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS: Damage Disk and Stop
EMR: Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO: Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE: Fake Serious Error
GSI: Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS: Go Quarter Speed
HEM: Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD: Inhale Dust and Die
IKI: Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU: Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF: Jam Paper Feed
JUM: Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP: Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM: Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW: Make Aggravating Whine
NNI: Neglect Next Instruction
OBU: Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG: Pass Noxious Gas
QWF: Quit Working Forever
QVC: Question Valid Command
RWD: Read Wrong Device
SCE: Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ: Send Data to Japan
TTC: Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC: Use Bad Chip
VDP: Violate Design Parameters
VMB: Verify and Make Bad
WAF: Warn After Fact
XID: eXchange Instruction with Data
YII: Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM: Zero All Memory
PI : Punch Invalid
POPI: Punch Operator Immediately
RASC: Read And Shred Card
RPM: Read Programmers Mind
RSSC: Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)
RTAB: Rewind Tape and Break
RWDSK: ReWind DiSK
SPSW: Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD: Seek Record and Scar Disk
WBT: Water Binary Tree
A duck walked into a pharmacy, and waddled back to the druggist's counter.
The druggist looked at him and chuckled, "Hey little fella! What can I do
for you?"
The duck says, "I'd like a box of condoms please."
The pharmacist says, "Well, sure! Would you like me to put that on your
bill?"
The duck says, "I'm not that kind of duck!"
The administration of this particular elementary school decided to start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words.
Among those initiated to the category was "suck" (when not referring to the principle of suction).
One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one of the other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.
"I can't say it."
"It's okay to tell me; you won't get in trouble for it."
"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it."
"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can you tell me what it is without saying it?"
"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'."
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an
obsession with sex."
The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him
various drawings.
First the doctor draws a square and asks the man
to identify it.
The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!! Four people
having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says,"One man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient
identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes,
I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all
the dirty pictures!"
A tramp walks into a jewellers in Oxford Street one Tuesday afternoon.
He
walks around for a while and then sits down on a courtesy couch provided for
people choosing their jewellery.
The dirty git then starts scratching and
picking at his bum hole, joined by satisfying groaning sounds.
People
walking in and out are understandably disgusted and notify the staff about
the tramp's disgusting behaviour.
The manager goes over to him and says
"What the hell do you think you are doing, you dirty undesirable
individual?"
The tramp replies - ' The sign in the window says "Pick your
ring in comfort"'.
We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother
wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some
good news:
The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her
everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions.
Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies,
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella's mouth drops open
and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to
wear a diaphragm."
The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all
the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and
Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm.
"Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked.
The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home at 2:00 AM"
Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the
princes, she wants to be out all night long.
The fairy godmother
tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm
will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she'll be
with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home
at 2AM...
At 2AM, Cinderella doesn't show up...
3AM, no Cinderella...
4AM, no
Cinderella...
finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a
huge grin on her face.
The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says,
"Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into
a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"
Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took
care of it for her.
The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this
type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies,
"I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other...."
Three pregnant women are sitting chatting and knitting sweaters for their expected kids.
The first one says "I hope that I have a baby boy, because I'm knitting a blue sweater."
The second says " Well I hope that I have a girl because I'm knitting a pink sweater."
The third woman says "I hope my kid is a spastic, because I've fucked up the arms."
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the
10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
You might be a high-tech redneck if...
Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."
A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks very quietly if he would like a woman sent to his room.
The man says "yes".
The desk clerk says, "I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one should I send up?"
With this the man replies, "I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning the desk clerk says, "I'm curious. Why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer or the switchboard operator?"
The man replies, "The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it. The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished but the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get it right."
