A man went to see the doctor for his annual checkup.

Upon
finishing the checkup the doctor said he was in perfect health.

The man the broke the news to the doctor that he was GAY.

The doctor says, "Do you practice safe sex, I hope"

The man tells the doctor, "Darn Right I do, I always wear a
condom, and rubber gloves."

The doctor says "Rubber Gloves, doesn't your partner think that
Rubber Gloves are a bit strange"

"PARTNER?" the man exclaims!

Little Johnny came home from College and told his mother, "I got straight F's
but I had sex with my teacher!"

Angry, she told him to go and tell his father.

At
first, his father was pissed, but when his mother was out of ear-shot, his
father said: "Johnny, your mother can never know this, but your old man is proud
of you."

He
then gave his boy a friendly tap on the butt.

"WATCH IT!" said Johnny, "I'm still pretty sore back there!"

1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. Are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your In-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.) It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, T-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonder bra, (the one that has everything pulled up so high your bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer. It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company.) As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your DVD recorder, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works dhen you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, I.e., "oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though. "Oh baby, you have such a big coke" (hope you got the super sized fries and burger with that). "That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint" (go ahead, Make my day), and the proverbial "oh fork me hard!"
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyber partner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, Just pretend you got bumped offline. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal.
8. Once both cyber partners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured Into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just bump yourself offline, or just say "HUH? I never got your message." Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different. Until your next hot session....cyber on my friends!

A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?

"The man says,"I mount animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Man: "Can I buy you a whiskey?"

Lady: "No you can't, whiskey is bad for my legs"

Man: "That's a shame, do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"

With Your Boyfriend :

1. He always scratches his crotch and says, "Damn! When is this gonna clear up?"
2. He could use a contact lens as a condom.
3. Taking you out to eat means firing up the grill.
4. Everytime you want to spoon, he wants to fork.
5. He refers to your little brother as a "real cutie."

With Your Girlfriend : 

1. She carries around Bride magazine and a highlighter.
2. She thinks an anniversary occurs once a month.
3. Her lucky numbers are your pin number.
4. Your friends know her by her porn name.
5. She just can't stand the taste of "it."

Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a
night with "the boys."

He accepts and then tells his new
bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going
down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally
stumbles home.

Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock
started, and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she'd
probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine
times to make her think it was midnight.

He was really proud of
himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he
tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her
morning coffee.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another
four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its
throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a
particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the
driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the
bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the
front seat fumbling around with his keys for several
minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he
started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him.

He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the
breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated
decoy."

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally
time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living
arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
connubial relationship: "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather
hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor
with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love,
honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her
forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have
moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the
young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning
of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife
that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as
you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered
back, "She made me a much better offer."

• A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
• A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
• A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
• A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
• Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
• A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
• A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
• An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
• John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
• A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
• A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
• A gorilla walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says,"That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many gorillas coming in here, you know." The gorilla says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
• A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice,"That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
• A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

In Miami, the jurors in a multi-billion dollar lawsuit
against the tobacco industry were ordered by the judge
to not see the new movie "The Insider", because it might
influence their verdict.

He also ordered them not to see
"The House on Haunted Hill".

The prosecutor was surprised to hear this instruction
and he said,
"I understand why you've instructed the jurors to not
see 'The Insider', but why should they avoid the second
movie, your honor?".

Being quick and to the point, the judge firmly stated,
"Because it stinks!"