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Things Life Has Taught Me
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  • I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
  • A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome
  • As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
  • I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  • Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so.
  • I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  • As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  • I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
  • I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
  • Joan of Arc heard voices too.
  • When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
  • The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  • As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  • Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
  • Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
  • Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  • I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
  • I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

 

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Garfield!
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Garfield & Friends
Garfield and Friends Official Website features today's Garfield comic as well as a comic strip archive, US Acres comics, games, shopping, news, history and more!

Jim Jefferies – US Gun Control
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