Bert has this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. 

It used to bother him, so he suggested his buddy Louie should see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.

For years, Louie refused.... told Bert he was crazy. 

Last week, Louie finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a quarter of an inch shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopaedic surgery later, Louie was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," Bert says, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."

Louie just looked at Bert and said.... "I stand corrected."

Kramer goes to an optometrist and he's lead into a room where the doctor pulls down a small screen with letters.

"Read me the bottom line, Mr. Kramer."

"Sorry, Doc, I can't."

"Okay, how about the line above that?"

"Nope."

"... the next one up?"

"Nope."

This goes on for half an hour with the optometrist pulling down progressively larger and larger eye charts with ever bigger letters.

Finally, the doctor says, 'Well, I've never had to use it before, but see if you can read this."

With that, he pulled a lever, the wall collapsed and a giant 50 foot flaming orange 'A" rose up out of the ground.

'Now surely you can read THAT!" snarled the frustrated optometrist.

"Sorry, Doc, but I can't."

"Then, man, you must be blind!"

"Oh no, Doc, my eyesight's fine. I just never learned how to read!

My wife and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs.
Proud
of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was
in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky
hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still
wear the suit he wore when he graduated."
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."

A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast.

The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost.

After wandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.

As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree.

The leader of the wagon train approached the man. "Can you help us? We're heading west but we're lost and all our food is gone. We're starving."

The old man replied, "Vell you know, I can see the future.... Wait.. I'm getting a vision now."

He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration."It's coming. Oh yes, I see, I see."

"I know what you must do. Go up this hill and down the other side. Go through the forest and across the stream. Then go up the next hill and down to the valley below. There you will find a bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.

"A bacon tree. Trust me..for nuttin I vud lie. I can see the future."

The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off.

The group followed the strange old man's directions exactly.

They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below.

Nothing.

Zip.

Zilch.

Not a thing and especially not a bacon tree.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides.

It was a massacre.

All but one man was killed and even he was seriously wounded.

He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley.

There, under the tree was that same old Jewish man, still there where they had left him.

The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting... "What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of them! And the rest of my group! They're all DEAD!"

The man held up his hand and said "Oy wait for it...  I'm getting another vision.... Oy. Ooooh. Oh, I get it.....Oh my, I made a big mistake..."

"It vuz not a bacon tree... It vuz a hambush!"

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are
going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything
about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or
what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

This is a real letter which somebody posted to the Taxation office
in IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years. This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the
Revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford, Eire farmer in reply to an
income tax demand.

Dear Sirs,
Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would
have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a
melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the
account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand
why it hadn't.
Well, here are the reasons:

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit.
In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two
horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also
on credit.
In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn
thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One
of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who
starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to
marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant
and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.
In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had
to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on
the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons,
neither being the fucking eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters
make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the
new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left
me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so
I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her
pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the
doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so
that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was
right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the
wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had
blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the
fucking knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get
more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the fucker's
funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull,
poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took
to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch
and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me
busy for a time. This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire
purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the
Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D.
from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his
arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the
sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't
pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know
about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke
butter up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a
cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and
the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.
Yours for more credit
John Murphy

Back in the bad old days of The Viet Nam Police Action, it was
discovered that a CIA renegade had a secret plan to use germ warfare,
and it was about to be put into action.

The informant had only been
able to get minimal information to his connection before he was
killed.

The CIA knew that the disguised operative was scheduled to arrive
with the 'package' by regular air flight, and would then enter the
city, release the toxic contents, and then pop cyanide.

The only thing they knew for sure was that the contents had to be
kept cold to transport it safely.

Heat, such as is common in Viet Nam
in the summer, would trigger the stuff, and it would spread quickly.

Finally, the senior operative on the airport stakeout recognized a
familiar female figure (she had only disguised her face and hair).

Before he could signal the others to move in, she saw him and ran,
trying to make her escape into the crowds of the city.

In panic, he called in the local police to help, saying, ... "Seal
Ann Loc, freeze her bags!"

The Yuppie was on the stand for cheating thousands of people out of their
savings with an elaborate bond scheme.

The District Attorney asked him how
many people he had cheated, and the defendant replied, "None."

Surprised at the answer, the DA said, "Do you know the penalty for perjury
sir ?"

"As a matter of fact, yes I do. And it's far more amicable than the ones
I'm currently facing." said the Yuppie.

Once upon a time there was a sweet little boy named Bobby.

One fine
summer day the family decided to take an automobile trip through the
hill country of Iowa.

They loved the rolling hills with the corn
growing so bright and so pretty.

Well, Bobby had a real love for strawberry milk shakes.

He REALLY
loved them.

And every time the family went on a trip, Little Bobby
would ask for a strawberry milk shake.

So as they were traveling through these lovely cornfields, up and
down the hills, Little Bobby spotted a Dairy Queen and said, "Mommy,
Mommy, can we stop and get a strawberry milk shake?"

And his mother thought that was a fine idea so they pulled over, got
out of the car, went into the Dairy Queen and Little Bobby ordered his
beloved strawberry milk shake.

His father ordered a vanilla ice cream
cone and his mother ordered some curly fries.

But as they were walking out the door, and Bobby began to sip his
delicious strawberry milk shake, he noticed it wasn't as cold as
usual.

He became quite agitated!

He said to his mother, "Mommy, Mommy,
this milk shake is not as cold as it should be. It doesn't taste
right."

So the family went back into the Dairy Queen and told the clerk.

The clerk replied, "Yes, that's probably true, we have run out of
crushed ice."

Well, Bobby was quite insistent that the milk shake be colder.

So the
clerk said, "Well, all we have at this point are ice cubes. We could
add a few of those."

This perked Bobby right up, he handed the milk shake back to the
clerk, and the clerk filled it with five ice cubes.

Of course, it
immediately became colder.

However, with the thinness of the milk shake, because it lacked the
thickness of crushed ice, the ice rattled within the glass when Bobby
walked, going clink, clink, clink.

It was a rather odd noise for milk
shake but Bobby got in the car with his family and continued to sip
his wonderful milk shake.

It was strawberry, you know, and that was
his very favorite.

Well, off they went, up and down the golden hills of Iowa.

This
family should have been having a lot of fun, but Little Bobby was
bothered!

The ice rattling against the glass was beginning to get on
his nerves.

Finally, he could stand it no longer.

At the top of a rather large
hill, Bobby shouted, "Stop the car!"

Well, the anxious father immediately stopped the car and asked him
what was wrong.

And Bobby, without even answering his father, got out
of the car, and violently threw his strawberry milk shake down the
hill, ice cubes and all.

Yes, Bobby's shake rattled and rolled.

Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912
Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:

"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold,
long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe
return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."

If Shackleton were advertising in the 1990's:

"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights,
lots fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get
your picture in Outside magazine."

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of
North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen
in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" he
asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a
family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.. "This is the
outhouse!"