A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he is liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'JOHNNY!' mom screams, 'KNOCK IT OFF before you break something.
He stops & eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left the house.
He gives it one last flick & it lands in the toilet... where he leaves it.
Mom comes home & while she is putting away the grocery, she gets the urge...diarrhea run.
She barely makes it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she finishes, she looks down and can't believe what she sees.
She is not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet....she calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, he assures her he will be right over.
When he arrives, she shows him to the bathroom.
He gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be & POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere...on him, the walls, etc
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He states....."I have been in this business for over 30 years and this is the first time I have ever actually SEEN a fart!!!!"
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said," That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
This guy goes into a whore house and asks the Madam how much it would cost for the best girl.
The Madam tells him $200.
He says "I'll tell you what. If I can guess how many times your best girl had sex today, I get her for free, if I'm wrong, I'll work here as a janitor for a month with no pay."
The Madam figures there is no way he can guess right so she agrees.
The guy asks which room is hers and goes in.
He comes out and says" 17".
The Madam is shocked.
"How could you know that?" she asks.
He says "Simple, I drank her douche water and counted the lumps."
A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the
same places they went to on their honeymoon.
As they are
driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch
with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did
here forty years ago!"
The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and
he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug.
They
make love like never before.
Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved
like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can
remember."
The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't
electrified!"
With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top.
He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent.
"Where's the magic show?", he
breathlessly asks one employee.
The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show.
He races into the room only to find the
magician ready to leave.
"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the
magician.
"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home."
replies The Amazing Jonas.
"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I
expect!"
Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and
see my wife and kids."
With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic
trick.
"Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas
asks. "Pull down your pants."
The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.
"Now bend over and grab your ankles."
As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man
flinches.
"There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"
The man winces and replies, "Yeah."
The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his
face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."
A
golfer went to see his doctor.
He
was suffering from major stress syndrome.
The
doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it,
it's a very frustrating game, but I love it".
The
doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball.
The
golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.
The
first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with
an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working.
Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be
all right to play with an imaginary ball also.
The
first golfer said "Sure!".
They
now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in
their round.
The
second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and
down shouting, "Ace! I win!".
The
first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won..... That was my
ball."
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center.
Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.
By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."
A very religious couple was touring the Holy Land during the Christmas season and decided it would be very meaningful to them to spend Christmas Eve in Bethlehem, the birth place of Jesus.
Arriving there, they searched high and low for a room, but none was available at any price.
Finally, they pulled up in front of the Sheraton-Bethlehem and the husband got out of the car, telling his wife: "Stay here, sweetie. Let me see if I can do something for us."
He approached the desk and the clerk told him there were no rooms.
"Sorry, sir. It's Christmas Eve, our busiest time."
No matter how much the man offered to pay, the clerk said he had nothing.
Finally, the man told the clerk, "I bet if I told you my name was Joseph, that the woman waiting in the car was called Mary, and that she had a newborn infant, you'd find us a room."
"Well," stammered the clerk, "I-- I suppose so."
"Okay," said the man.
"I guarantee you, they are not coming tonight -- so I'll take their room."
Two lesbians were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.
She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.
She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!"
This girl walks into the doctor to get her breasts checked and the doctor
sees a big S on her body.
"What is that from?"
"My lover goes to Stanford and even when he is making love he wears his
Stanford sweatshirt."
Soon after, another girl walks in to get her breasts check and the doctors
notices a big Y on her body.
"Whats that from?"
"My lover goes to Yale and he loves it so much that he wears his sweatshirt
even when we make love"
Another girl walks in and a big M is on her chest.
"Let me guess, your lover goes to Michigan."
"No but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."
