OSLO, Norway - A Norwegian arrested for driving with a bellyful of booze claims only his teeth were full of liquor.

The 44-year-old man failed a breathalyzer test when he was stopped by police, the Oslo newspaper Aftenposten reported Friday.

He claimed the test result was too high because of vodka trapped in cavities in his bad teeth.

[This is a very common habit among drunks. They store booze in their teeth against the winter months when booze is so much harder to come by.]

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be 'the one', but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit and a police woman's uniform,  he's finally decided that if she can't hold down a job, she's probably not for him.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.

They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good.
I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .."

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men

Women's restroom,
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?"
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room,
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust
on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both -
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom,
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books,
New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom,
House of Representatives, Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals,
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom,
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

• Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now
• Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up
• Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have stitches and a shot.
• Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her.
• Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me
• Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you?
• Dear God, Is it true my Father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
• Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only people in our family and I can never do it.
• Dear God, Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did, then I'm going to get even with my brother.
• Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
• Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
• Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does?
• Dear God, It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?
• Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
• Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
• Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted.
• Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
• Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
• Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
• Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.
• Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways before I cross the street.
• Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
• Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
• Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
• Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation?
• Dear God, In school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he steal your idea? Sincerely,
• Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.
• Dear God, It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
• Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really.
• Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool.

Rush Limbaugh has introduced a new line of cold cuts.

It's called Limbaugher.

It's all baloney, but it smells like shit.

An arrogant wench from Salt Lake

Liked to tease all the boys on the make.

She was finally the prize

Of a man twice her size

And all she recalls is the ache.

• So your daughter's a hooker
  and it spoiled your day..
  Look at the bright side,
  she's a really good lay.
• My tire was thumping
  I thought it was flat
  when I looked at the tire
  I noticed your cat.....Sorry!
• You had your bladder removed
  and you're on the mends
  here's a bouquet of flowers
  and a box of Depends.
• Happy Vasectomy!
  Hope you feel zippy!
  'Cause when I had mine
  I got real snippy!
• Heard your wife left you
  How upset you must be
  But don't fret about it
  She moved in with me.
• Your computer is dead
  It was once so alive
  Don't you regret installing
  Windows 95?
• You totaled your car
  and can't remember why
  could it have been
  the case of Bud Dry?
• Saw something today
  that reminded me of you
  As a matter of fact it was
  The shit on my shoe.
• So you're taking viagra
  So you can please me
  What you need is an implant
  Since your inch size is Three

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.

Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"

Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I
have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and
get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that. "

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love
with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room
service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to
his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy
old castle.

At the end of the tour the guide asks her how
she enjoyed it.

She admits to being a bit worried about
seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and
passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all
the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby- sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG."