An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married.

They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick.

They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.

After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel.

Both are very nervous.

Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other.

In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts them in a glass.

Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall.

She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intently watching...

Mary continues.

She removes her bra which contains false inserts;

she removes a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand.

Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare in an interested manner.

As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much progress in getting undressed.

He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her.

She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"

Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it over here!"

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.

After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
problem of stuttering.

Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure.

The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A: Full!

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone
about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly
expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards
it through Windows.

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that.

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when Poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

1 chicken

1 cup melted butter

1 cup seasoned stuffing

1 cup uncooked popcorn

Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 200 degrees.

Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper.

Fill cavity with seasoned stuffing mixed with popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the chicken's neck toward the back of the oven.

Listen for the popping sounds.

When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room to land on the table, it's done and ready to eat.

And you thought I couldn't cook! 

A blonde was playing trivial pursuit one night.
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on science & nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.

I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases.

Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister.

Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries.

Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

Ben & Jerry's has come up with a new flavor of ice cream sure to please
Republicans.

It's called Im-Peach-Mint

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble.

Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their small town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons.

The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.

So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning.

The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.

So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

A furniture dealer from Arkansas decided that he wanted to expand the lines of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, which he thought was the capital of European furniture, to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Arkansas.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and  have a glass of wine. 
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the  small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. 
Before long,  a very beautiful young  Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French, and  motioned  toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. 
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of  minutes of trying communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for awhile, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. 
She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Dear Husbands:
Please be aware that as your wives age, it is harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ricky. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lucy.

When I was laid off from my consulting job and took early retirement in April, it became necessary for Lucy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and although she knows how hungry I am, she rests an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home- cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. (Telling people what they ought to do is one of my strong points!)

Also, now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement, and sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps.
I don't make a big issue of this, just as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening. I'm willing to overlook her shortcomings in this area. Unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to the Wednesday and Saturday poker club, or to Tuesday's and Thursday's bowling, I'll tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. If I had a really bad day on the course and it was wet and muddy, and my clubs are a mess, I let her clean them, you know, getting the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces. Since my golf bag is heavy, I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men.

But I had to tell her that I don't like to be wakened during my after- golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of fresh squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way we can talk until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lucy, but I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Regards, Ricky

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ricky was rushed to the hospital Thursday, May 4th. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Golf Driver rammed up his rectum with only two inches of grip showing.
His wife Lucy was arrested, but after the jury read this letter, they accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it. She was released from custody on Friday.