10 Top Jokes

World According To Frank & Ernest
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  • Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
  • Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
  • I have to take my paycheck to the bank …
    it's too little to go by itself.
  • We're lucky to have C-SPAN.
    Not many countries can watch their government inaction.
  • Mountaintop Glue-Ru: "Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it out! Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself! …"
  • I must be following my diet too closely …
    I keep gaining on it.
  • Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline.
    If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line …
  • Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.
  • "You should communicate with your muscles." … "I don't talk to strangers."

 

Tattoo
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Jim gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Jim replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his Privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, Instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Jim is recovering nicely at Adelaide Hospital.

 

Blonde Painter
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Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money.

She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,

"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I’m all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari."

Fortune
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A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his plants. 

He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation. 

“Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the base of each plant with cat manure!” advised the agronomist.

With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure enough cat manure for his plants. 

The plants produced a bumper crop of pineapples, with just a minor problem …….. they tasted a bit strange. 

With some concern, the plantation owner called his distributor on the mainland and asked, “Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like pussy?” 

“I’m not sure,” Harry answered, “But, if you can figure out a way to make pussy taste a little like pineapple, we’ll make a fortune!”

 

You Know You’re Overly Stressed If…
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  • Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately.
    After listening to them, you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
  • Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from.
  • You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
  • Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
  • You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you stepped on as a child, and worry that their descendants are going to seek revenge one day.
  • You have meaningful conversations with your blender.
  • Your father pretends you don’t exist, just to play along with your illusion.
  • You like cats. Especially with ketchup
  • You scream "I’ve got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
  • You scream "I’ve got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
  • You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island, because you wanted to be on the island too.
  • You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they hatch.
  • Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I’ll kill the pope today."
  • You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
  • You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you’re a stalk.
  • You think that exploding wouldn’t be so bad, once you got used it.
  • You can achieve a "Runner’s High" by sitting up.
  • The sun is too loud.
  • Trees begin to chase you.
  • You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  • You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
  • You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
  • You can hear mimes.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said before.
  • You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
  • Things become "Very Clear".
  • You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
  • The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
  • You keep yelling"STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
  • You and Reality file for divorce.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • You can skip without a rope.
  • It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • You can travel without moving.
  • Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
  • Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

 

Luggage
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A student was heading home for the holidays.

When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York.

And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made the smart remark, "I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I’m sorry, we can’t to that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because,… That’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

 

Uses For A Condom
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  1. Hair tie
  2. Slip ‘er over a pay phone to avoid "NASTY" germs
  3. Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)
  4. Neat travel case for your toothbrush
  5. Wet suit for a ferret
  6. Finger puppets
  7. Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders
  8. Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc for a checkup
  9. Rubber boot for a peg leg
  10. Latex toe warmers
  11. Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors
  12. Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation
  13. Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood
  14. To keep candles dry when camping
  15. Build your own incredible "Water Weenies"
  16. To quickly fill water pistols
  17. Bicycle tire tube
  18. Change purse
  19. Goodyear Blimp model
  20. For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

 

Teacher With Quick Wit
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A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. Write with your other hand."

 

World’s Thinnest Books
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  • FRENCH WAR HEROES by: Jacques Chirac
  • HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by: Jane Fonda
  • MY BEAUTY SECRETS by: Janet Reno
  • HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by: John Denver
  • MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by: Dan Marino
  • THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by: Hillary Clinton
  • MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by: Osama Bin Laden
  • THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by: Bill Gates
  • THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by: Dennis Rodman
  • MY WILD YEARS by: Al Gore
  • AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
  • AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
  • DETROIT: a Travel Guide
  • A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by: Dr. J. Kevorkian
  • ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by: Ellen de Generes
  • GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by: Mike Tyson
  • SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by: the EPA
  • THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
  • MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by: O. J. Simpson
  • BRIDGE TRAVEL by: Ted Kennedy

And the world’s Number One Thinnest Book:

  • MY BOOK OF MORALS
    by: Bill Clinton
    with introduction
    by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

 

Graduation Suit
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My wife and I were at my high school reunion.
As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits…and their bulging stomachs.
Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, “I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.”
She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said, “You’re the only one who has to.”

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