5 Top Jokes

Need To Piss
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Jason and Maggie are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.

They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, Jason's lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when Maggie says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to piss."

Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.

As Jason waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Jason reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

Jason shouts in horror, "Oh no, Maggie..have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead."

 

Newfies
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Two Newfies are walking down a street in Toronto, when they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers  $2.50 per pair."

One Newfie says to his pal,  "Looky here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to St John's , sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're from the Rock, and try to cheat us.  Now, I'll try to sound like a Local!"

So they go in and one of the Newfie says with his best Ontario accent, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at  $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and …."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Newfoundland , ain't you?"  "

Well…yeah," says a surprised Newfie. "How'd you know dat!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

 

Sickness
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Pity She’s A Man!
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A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room.

The man is dumbfounded by this woman’s beauty and comments about her to his mates.

"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "Pity she’s a man."

The man is shocked, "No way!"

"No, it’s true. A friend of mine knows her personally."

The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman is in fact a man.

But at the same time, he is curious.

He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the "woman" and strikes up a converstaion.

They hit it off really well.

And the man is loving it because this woman is even better looking up close.

Before long the man suggests that he drives them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other.

The woman agrees.

They drive to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car.

They continue the "clothes on" making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.

"This is my chance," thinks the man, "I’ll follow her and find out what sex she is."

So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.

"Damn! She’s got a dick!" he thinks, "She’s a man."

The man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn’t know you were following me!"

"And I didn’t know you were taking a shit!" The man replies.

 

New Shirt
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Jim, a trendy dresser, fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt.

It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph.

"How romantic," he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.

Heart aflutter, he opened her response.

It read, "Thanks for writing.I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."

 

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