5 Top Jokes

Polar Bears
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One afternoon in the Artic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.
The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you’re 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I’m 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don’t think your sparing my feelings if it’s not true. I gotta know — am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you’re 100% polar bear?"
"Because I’m fucking freezing!"

At The Birth
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"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

 

 

Quickies
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  • What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
    Goes-in-tight!
  • What’s "68"?
    You do me and I owe you one.
  • What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
    Gagged!
  • What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
    A tearjerker.
  • Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
    They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
  • Define "Egghead "
    What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
  • What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
    Popeye almost killed him!
  • Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
    Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.
  • How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
    Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
  • KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
    "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"
  • Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
    He did okay until his business fell off.
  • What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
    "How come?"
  • Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
    Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
  • What’s the definition of a teenager?
    God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
  • Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
    "They’ll never see you coming."
  • What’s the definition of a vagina?
    The box a penis comes in.
  • What two words will clear out a men’s restroom?
    "Nice Dick!"
  • What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
    Toys for Twats.
  • What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
    S&M&M.
  • What’s the definition of eternity?
    The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.
  • Define Transvestite:
    A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
  • Mom’s have Mother’s Day, father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
    Palm Sunday.
  • Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
    The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
  • What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
    A scrotum pole!
  • What’s the ultimate in rejection?
    When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
  • Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
    There’d be too many thank you notes to write.
  • How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
    By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
  • What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
    They are both used as substitutes for meat.
  • What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
    Brothel sprouts.
  • What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
    Two Mennonite!
  • Have you heard about the blind hooker?
    You’ve gotta hand it to her!
  • What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
    The cold shoulder.
  • How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
    His hand caught fire.
  • Why is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.
  • What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
    They’re both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the other!
  • Can you say three two-letter words that mean small?
    Is it in?
  • What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
    Miracle Whip.
  • What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A bingo machine.
  • What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
    Gladiator!
  • How is a woman like a condom?
    Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
  • What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
    By the time you’ve finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
  • Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
    Sperm is handmade.
  • What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
    Slow down and use a lubricant.
  • If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
    A hole in it.
  • What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
    Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
  • Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
    He decided to stick it out for one more year!
  • When does a cub become a boy scout?
    When he eats his first Brownie.
  • What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
  • What did the banana say to the vibrator?
    What are YOU shaking for? She’s going to eat me!
  • How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One…men will screw anything.
  • What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
    About three inches.
  • What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
    Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
  • What is the definition of wicker box?
    It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to JLo.

Neither Do I
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A man goes with his wife to the doctor’s office.

Shortly after she goes into the examination room, the doctor comes out and says to the husband, "I don’t like the way your wife looks at all."

The husband says, "Well, Doc, neither do I to be honest. But she’s a great lil’ homemaker and real good with the kids."

On The Bus
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Two old dears having a coffee, one says to the other, "Did you come on the bus?"

"Yes", she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack".

 

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