5 Top Jokes

No Ears Merv

Merv was in a terrible accident at work.

He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing internet company.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great.

He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.

At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied, "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.

It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college.

He was smart.

He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

And to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

Couldn’t Help But Notice

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

The Toughest Road

The Motorway says to the 'A' Road: "I'm the hardest, meanest, toughest road there is. I've got the highest speed limit, I have the most lanes and carry the greatest volume of traffic. I'm as hard as nails, me."

The 'A' Road says: "Yes, but I'm the back-bone of the country. There's many times more miles of 'A' Road than Motorway, I go everywhere from countryside to city, big town and small town, and in total I carry more cars than any other road. I am the undisputed heavyweight champion of roads."

Then a small pink road walks up to the bar and orders an orange juice and lemonade.

The Motorway and 'A' Road immediately go quiet, and stare at their drinks, desperately trying not to catch the attention of the small pink road, who gets his drink and goes and sits in the corner.

The barman says to the Motorway and 'A' Road: "I thought you were the biggest, baddest, toughest and best roads in the country!"

And the motorway replies: "Yeah, but you don't want to mess with him ….  he's a cycle path."


For A Hundred Bucks

Harry goes up to a whore and says, “How much for a blow job?”

She says, “A hundred bucks.”

He tries to talk her down, but she won’t budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred.

Then he starts to jack off.

She says, “What are you doing that for?”

He says, “For a hundred bucks, do you think I’m gonna give you the easy one?”


Redneck Lottery

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"


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