5 Top Jokes

Trees On The Road
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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma’am… that’s your Pine Tree(tm) Air Freshener!"

Q & A
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Why did they cancel the MSU Christmas party? They couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

How do you keep a Spartan out of your yard? Put up a goal post!

How many MSU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? Zero, it is a sophomore course.

What are the toughest 6 years in a Spartan’s life? 3rd grade.

How many Michigan State Spartans does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he gets three credits for it!

How many Spartans does it take to eat an armadillo? Three—one to eat, while two watch for cars.

What’s the best thing to come out of Lansing? Interstate 69

Did you hear about the Spartan who was convinced that her husband was cheating on her? because none of the children looked like him!

If you have a car containing a Spartan wide receiver, a Spartan linebacker, and a Spartan defensive back, who is driving the car?
A cop.

Three Marriage Mistakes
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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.

First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I’ll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up."

Gone!
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A young couple is on their honeymoon.

After some really great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"

"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

 

Kissing The Gorilla
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A small Wild Animal Park in Alabama acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Tanden, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer but only under the following four conditions.

”First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her on the lips.” The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

“Second,” Eddie said, “you must never tell anyone about this.” The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

“Third,” Eddie said, “I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist.”

Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Eddie stated, “You’ve got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00.”

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