Tell Your Weight 0votes
A nun was going to Chicago.
She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it.
She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in.
Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you still weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down.
From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her.
The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible.
I've got to try it again.
" Back to the machine.
She put her nickel in and another card came out.
It said, "You're still a nun, you still weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind.
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!"
Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.
It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs. you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!
Is Mother Home? 0votes
Points To Ponder 0votes
- Don't steal. The government hates competition.
- "I Always Wanted To Be Somebody, but I Should Have Been More Specific."
- Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier that putting it back in there.
- Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
- I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
- If the music's too loud you're too old.
- Firms keep going out of their way to give me credit. For that, I'm deeply indebted.
- Why are Democrats better in bed? Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.
- Why do politicians envy ventriloquists? Because they can lie without moving their lips.
- What does a politician have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer? They both have skeletons in their closet.
- What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth? LIAR.
- What do you call a democrat that sleeps around? A breeding-heart liberal.
- If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?
- What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a corrupt lawyer? Chelsea.
- How does the IRS describe a day at work? Taxing.
New Hinge 0votes
I was fixing a door and found that I needed a new hinge, so I sent the missus (Janet) to Bunnings.
At Bunnings, Janet saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Dave, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Dave was finished, Janet asked.. "How much for that faucet?"
Dave replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness! that sure is a lot!" Janet exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy, and Dave went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Dave yelled, "Hey Janet, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Janet replied, "No, but I will for the faucet!"
This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings…
When the staff go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.