5 Newest Jokes

Dave the Milkman
     0votes

“My wife just told me she’s having an affair with Dave the Milkman,” the bloke from over the road admitted to me earlier.

“What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?” I replied.

“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.

“Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?”

 

Kangaroo Miracle
**** 1vote

A devout Australian cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was out mending fences.

Three weeks later, a kangaroo hopped up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the precious book out of the kangaroo’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

 “Not really,” said the kangaroo. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

A Dark and Stormy Night
**** 1vote

Bob Hill and his wife Betty are vacationing in Europe near Transylvania.

They drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.

It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly, the car skids out of control.

Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail.

The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.

Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding.

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road.

After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A small, hunched man opens the door.

Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone but my master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs with Bob following closely.

Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.

Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.”

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.

Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly.

Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory that houses his grand piano.

It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play.

A stirring almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.

His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.

Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat.

He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts :

 

 

 

“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

Shrinking
*****1vote

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

The Store Seal
**** 1vote

A family enters a large store.

After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.

They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.

It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.

After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.

The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”

 

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