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10 Random Jokes

The Lizard-man Of New York
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ALBANY, N.Y.
- Kafka he's not, but philosophy doctorate student Erik Sprague is going much farther toward his transformation. Sprague, 27, has a long-time fascination with reptiles, and in order to explore the reptilian meaning

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Hijacked!
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A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked:

The police are looking for two 'hardened criminals'.

They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.

 

Magic Mirror
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A young woman with small breasts buys a finely carved mirror at an oriental antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One morning, while getting undressed, she playfully says: "Mirror, mirror, on

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Actual Bumper Stickers
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  • Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  • The more you complain, the longer
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  • Help wanted - Telepath: you know where to apply
  • I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  • Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • Keep honking, I'm reloading.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  • Lord save me from your followers.
  • I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
  • The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  • He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  • Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 

 

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Hiccups
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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?"

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Great Quotes
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  • Women lie about their age; men lie about their income. - William Feather
  • Never try to impress a woman, because
  • Girls who look sleek will always be more popular than girls who talk Greek. - Lexie Sindamann
  • There are two kinds of women -- those who pay too much attention to themselves and those who don't pay enough. -- William Holden
  • A man does not buy his wife a fur coat to keep her warm, but to keep her pleasant. - Seymour Hicks
  • The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, they're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten. -- Jules Feiffer
  • If married couples did not live together, happy marriages would be more frequent. -- Nietzsche
  • Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate enough to marry multimillionaire girls with 39-inch busts who have undergone frontal lobotomies. - Tony Curtis
  • I had a friend who was getting married. I gave her a subscription to Modern Bride. The subscription lasted longer than the marriage. -- Lily Tomlin
  • It is now technically possible to reproduce without the aid of males, and to produce only females. We must begin immediately to do so." -- Valerie Solanas, SCUM (Society for Cutting up Men) Manifesto

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Limericks
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Judging by these walls of wit

Shakespeare came here just to shit

And judging by the awful smell

He brought his fuckin' horse as well

 

Some come here to sit and think

Some come here to shit and stink

Some come

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Bumper Stickers For Women
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  • Not Drunk. Just Blonde.
  • I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong
  • It ain't the size,
  • Don't stare at me, buy me a drink.
  • Veni, Vedi, VISA: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
  • Next mood swing: 6 minutes
  • So many men... so few who can afford me.
  • Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
  • Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
  • If we are what we eat... I'm fast cheap and easy.
  • I'm sorry honey, I just don't have the energy to fake it tonight.
  • I'm really easy to get along with, once you learn to worship me.

 

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Never, Ever
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  • Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.
  • Never hire an attorney who can
  • Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.

 

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Reflections Of A Male:
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When I was 14, all I wanted was a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I dated a girl, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a

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