A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.

"Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.

"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow."

"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!"

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don’t think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Q: Why is Bill Clinton back in court again?

A: Monica coughed up more evidence.

Speaking of new equipment reminds me of the poor fellow who lost his penis in an auto accident.

The male members of his family were well endowed, and each volunteered to donate one inch.

One week after the operation, the doctor found him crying in his hospital room and asked if there was a problem with his handiwork.

The man tearfully answered,

"It’s almost perfect, but why did you put Grandpa’s inch in the middle?"

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from.

The mother was amused and said "Oh really sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well…the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy’s wiener stands way up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy’s wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy’s wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy’s mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that’s where babies come from."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not where babies come from. That’s where jewelry comes from." .

Butch O’Hare

During the course of World War II, many people gained fame in one way or another.

One man was Butch O’Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

One time his entire squadron was assigned to fly a particular mission.

After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

Because of this, he would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to leave formation and return.

As he was returning to the mothership, he could see a squadron of Japanese Zeroes heading toward the fleet to attack.

And with all the fighter planes gone, the fleet was almost defenseless.

His was the only opportunity to distract and divert them.

Single-handedly, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes and attacked them.

The American fighter planes were rigged with cameras, so that as they flew and fought, pictures were taken so pilots could learn more about the terrain, enemy maneuvers, etc.

Butch dove at them and shot until all his ammunition was gone, then he would dive and try to clip off a wing or tail or anything that would make the enemy planes unfit to fly.

He did anything he could to keep them from reaching the American ships.

Finally, the Japanese squadron took off in another direction, and Butch O’Hare and his fighter, both badly shot up, limped back to the carrier.

He told his story, but not until the film from the camera on his plane was developed, did they realize the extent he really went to, to protect his fleet.

He was recognized as a hero and given one of the nation’s highest military honors.

And, as you may know, O’Hare Airport in Chicago was named after him.

Easy Eddie

Prior to this time, in Chicago, there was a man called Easy Eddie.

He was working for a man you’ve all heard about, Al Capone.

Al Capone wasn’t famous for anything heroic, but he was notorious for the murders he’d committed and the illegal thing’s he’d done.

Easy Eddie was Al Capone’s lawyer and he was very good. In fact, because of his skill, he was able to keep Al Capone out of jail.

To show his appreciation, Al Capone paid him very well.

He not only earned big money, he would get extra things, like a residence that filled an entire Chicago city block.

The house was fenced, and he had live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day.

Easy Eddie had a son.

He loved his son and gave him all the best things while he was growing up; clothes, cars, and a good education.And, because he loved his son he tried to teach him right from wrong. But one thing he couldn’t give his son was a good name, and a good example.

Easy Eddie decided that this was much more important than all the riches he had given him.

So, he went to the authorities in order to rectify the wrong he had done.

In order to tell the truth, it meant he must testify against Al Capone, and he knew that Al Capone would do his best to have him killed.

But he wanted most of all to try to be an example and to do the best he could to give back to his son, a good name.

So, he testified.

Within the year, he was shot and killed on a lonely street in Chicago.

These sound like two unrelated stories, but Butch O’Hare was Easy Eddie’s son.

It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher.  "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. 

She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Mikey?"

"Nothing," the boy responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, try to draw Mikey out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" the boy burst out.  "We can never ride bikes together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher.

"I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town." 

Q: How do cannibals cook politicians?

A: In a crock pot.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?

A: When everyone's eaten.

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?

A: He just adored the platter of little feet.

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?

A: He buttered up his teacher.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his ass.

Q: Did you hear about the angry cannibal?

A: He threw up his arms!

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.

"It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company.

He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by “Lucille.”

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

“She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,” he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number.

“She leaves her name,” was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

“How does she spell her name?” the service rep asked.

“L-O-W C-E-L-L”

Another problem solved.