I told my boss I felt sick and wanted to go home, and he said, "You don't look sick."
So I threw up on him.
The Luge 0votes
Some people considered it crazy.
For him it was all a matter of speed.
You had to love it or you might as well forget it.
There was no room for fear when the walls
It was all a blur and it required the utmost concentration and control to keep the sled from becoming airborne, and you with it.
Schmidt was the German luge champ, had been for three years in a row, and today he was defending his title against the up and coming Austrian, Wolfgang "Zippy" Zittler.
Schmidt was calm as he positioned himself in the tiny sled.
The time to beat was 45.962 seconds. it would not be easy but Zittler was young and inexperienced and even though his time was the day's best, Schmidt was confident.
The Austrian had tried three times before but with no success.
This time would be no different.
He gripped the rails and pulled the sled back and forth a few times to align himself with the alley of ice.
Then with a mighty heave, Schmidt shot out of the gate, propelling himself as much as possible before lying back on the sled.
The most difficult part of luge racing was taking the turns just right.
It was here that you won or lost those precious hundredths of a second that were so critically important.
Of course Schmidt was aware of this and when he took the second turn a little wide, knew he would have to pour it on if he was going to pull this one out.
The third turn was coming up fast and Schmidt tensed his legs to steer into it.
It would be close.
All he had to do was not make any more mistakes.
The turns were coming fast and furious now.
Just three to go.
He was flying.
Eat shit, Zippy, he thought as the sled rounded the curve and shot down the stretch.
But just as he prepared to cross the finish line and accept the cheers of the hometown crowd, he felt something penetrate his left buttock.
The shock almost sent him skyward.
His sled had cracked and a piece of fiberglass had embedded itself in his rear end.
He tried to stop and grab his ass at the same time, a very difficult manoeuvre, even for a gifted athlete.
Then he heard the announcement. 47.083 seconds.
It was an embarassment.
In disgust, he rolled off the sled, which had slowed considerably, grabbed it and flung it into the crowd.
Then he cupped his bleeding cheek and stomped off.
Little drops of blood marked his trail.
Zittler, who was watching the entire spectacle, turned to his
companion and smiled. . . . ''Ah, ze zweetness of victory. I knew he'd
be a sore luge-r.''
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business.
They would not.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business.
Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Copyright explained: When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must
Last Words 0votes
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years.
The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
Hard Egg 0votes
These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"
Premature Ejaculation 0votes
One year at Halloween the governor was giving a costume party.
All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.
When one couple arrived
As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.
Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"
"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."
"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"
Money To A Bum 0votes
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.
"I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Looks Like Plastic 0votes
A big-time executive walks into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was studying, something in his hand.
The executive leaned close as the drunk held the object up to
"Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said.
Then he rolled it around in his fingers and added, " And it feels like rubber."
Curious, the executive asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk shook his head, "Damned if I know. It looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The executive said, "Let me take a look."
He examined it, rolled it between his fingers and said, "Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."