A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.

“We’ve been married for ten years and we’ve got no kids”, said the husband. “And the next-door neighbors say it’s because we’re stupid.”

“Nonsense,” smiled the doctor. “It’s probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?”

“Do what?” asked the wife.

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey.

He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: "Can your dog perform other tricks?"

"But of course", the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman".

Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar.

She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dog looks at her and does nothing.

"It's always the same thing with you!" the man then shouts to the dog, "I'll show you how to do it one last time." 

‘Twas the week before Xmas, the sunlight was pale.

The presents I ordered are not in the mail.

The payments were made a full month in advance,

or early enough to leave little to chance.

When what to my wandering mind should transpire,

but the prospect of tag via telephone wire

with an answering service who doesn’t know squat,

and an outstanding check, and a balance of WHAT?

It’s too late to hassle, and nothing else works.

I can’t send a present, for dealing with jerks.

But if the mail-order will get the stuff here,

I’ll try to have something in time for next year.

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office.

"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions?" the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

Q: How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "fuck"?

A: Shout "Bingo!"

Q: What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?

A: "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A: A dictator!

Q. How does Phil Hartman feel after a long, exhausting talk with his wife?

A. Pretty shot.

A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked:

The police are looking for two 'hardened criminals'.

They expect a stiff penalty under the penal code.

Three women walk into a bar: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette says to the bartender, "Give me a ‘BL’."

Bartender: "What’s a ‘BL’?"

Brunette: "Duh, a Bud Light."

Bartender: (speaking to redhead) "OK, what’ll you have?"

Redhead: "Give me a ‘ML’."

Bartender: "Let me guess, a Miller Lite?"

Redhead: "Duh, yeah!"

Bartender: "And for you?"

Blonde: "I’ll have a 15"

Bartender: "A fifteen, what the hell is that?"

Blonde: "Duh, Seven and 7"

 Q: How are lawyers like whores?

A: They both get paid to screw people.

This day holds a lot of meaning for me.

It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.

I’ll never forget that game of cards…

Many colleges and business’s tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address.

For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml.

They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however:

9. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) – dickinme @ iup.edu

8. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) kissinfk @ lvu.edu

7. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) – aspicker @ pu.edu

6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) ibballin @ bsu.edu

5. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) – btkisser @ bendover.com

4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) – ihadcock @ tru.com

3. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) – cumminme @ fu.edu

2. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) – blowmegd @ dropdrawers.com

…but at No 1, it had to be…

1. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) beeranbj @ myplace.com