A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we’re on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter’s boyfriend."

A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog.

After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man.

However, whenever he approaches the sheep, the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner.

The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island, giving it some food as a distraction.

He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.

The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash.

He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.

By now, the man is getting depressed-and frustrated.

As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.

She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's anything she can do for him.

The man thinks for a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

Mr. and Mrs. Ficucci come before the judge for their divorce hearing.

The judge asks, "What are the grounds?"

Mrs. Ficucci says, "Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and then forced me to sing ‘Jingle Bells’ while he pissed all over me."

The judge says, "My God, that’s horrible."

She replied, "Yes your honor ! He knows how much I hate that fucking song."

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.

They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.

Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"Paul," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling."

"Okay, Paul, the next thing I want to tell you is…"

What do you call a Jewish Girl who gives blow jobs eight days in a row??

HANNUKAH LEWINSKY!

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

• If your father didn't cut holes in your pockets at Christmas, you wouldn't have anything to play with.
• People from the church would run over animals in front of your house to help with food.
• Someone saw you kicking a can down the street, and when asked what you were doing you said, "moving".
• A guy walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"
• Your parents got married for the rice. 
• You live in a 2 story cracker jack box.
• When someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says "pick a corner…any corner."

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

A man consulted his priest about getting a divorce.

The priest was surprised.

“Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely wife? She is soft and gentle and, if I may say so, she is also quite beautiful and nicely proportioned. I really can’t see what you have to complain about.”

The man took off his shoe.

“See this shoe,” he said, showing it to the priest, “The leather is soft and gentle. It is a beautiful piece of work and nicely proportioned.”

“Ah,” said the priest, “a parable.”

“In a way, Father,” replied the man. “I’m the only one who knows it pinches.”