A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.
He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.
"What the hell
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees...three streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound.Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes"
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and sees...12 streams!!
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"
You Know You’re In Trouble When
- Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
- You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
league puts you on waivers.
- Your suggestion box starts ticking.
- Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
- You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
- You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
- They pay your wages out of petty cash.
- The moths in your money belt starve to death.
- You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
- You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
- Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
- The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
- People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
- Your wife starts charging you rent.
- A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
- You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
- The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
- Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
- There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
- The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
- A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.Read More
Mother Of Four
Haggard Mother of four talking on phone, as husband embraces her from behind:
"One of these days Marge, somebody's gonna come up with a book: 'How to Get Out of Doing
Little Johnny Gets a Haircut
Little Johnny was a country boy who had come into some money and decided he would go to town.
Having never been to town before he strolled up and down the street looking at the stores, when he
"Well," he said to himself. "I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one."
He went in and sat down and the barber said, "What can I do for you?"
Little Johnny said, "I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!"
So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he said, "Would you like a singe?"
Little Johnny said, "I said I want the works, everything."
The shop had a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walked over and asked if he want a manicure.
He said, "I want the works, everything!"
So she started working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes.
In a few minutes she asked, "Shall I push back the cuticle?"
Little Johnny said, "Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself."
Homeward bound at the end of the war, a Confederate soldier saw a beautiful woman and was about to go over and introduce himself when a fellow train passenger pushed
Immediately the soldier jumped up and shot the carpetbagger right between the eyes.
Looking at the woman, he snarled "First they freed the slaves, then they won the war, but I'll be damned of they're going to start raising prices!"
Warning Labels I’d Like To See
- Cell phones: "Phone should always be in the off position before being lodged up your ass by the angry motorist you just rear-ended."
- Jaegermeister: "What can you possibly be thinking?"
- Viagra: "Just remember, chump, you're STILL fat, bald and ugly!"
- The Clapper: "Use of this product near a construction site is not recommended."
- Pineapple: "Not to be inserted rectally. No, seriously -- it's not a good idea."
- Rogaine: "Excessive use may result in a career as a boxing promoter."
- Zima: "Merely holding this bottle is obliterating your already-remote prospects of getting laid."
- Raquel Welch: "Contents may have settled."
- Windows2000: "May cause unpredictable behavior and loss or corruption of [email protected]@NQ t!"z +~]]J; FATAL EX&~d"
- Whitman Sampler: "Caution - you never know what you're gonna git."
- El Presidente Cigars: "Should only be enjoyed orally."
- Prozac: "Whatever”
English Channel Swim
A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first, the redhead second.
The blonde finally reached the
After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care
Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for.
Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba.
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer into identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say.., Here comes Bubba with them two assholes..."