Aids Or Alzheimers? 0votes
A man went to his doctor and says, "Hey, doc, it's not me it's my wife. I can't figure out if she has AIDS or Alzheimer's."
The doctor thought a minute and said,"Here's what you do. Put her in the car and take her about five miles down the road. If she finds her way home...don't fuck her."
Barbers Balls 0votes
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I Swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Best Engine 0votes
A notable gynecologist once said:
"The best engine in the world is the vagina."
"It can be started with one finger."
"It is self-lubricating."
"It takes any size piston, and it changes its own oil every four weeks."
Flying A Kite 0votes
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
One Liners 0votes
- Half the people you know are below average.
- Hang in there: retirement is only thirty years away!
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
- I disagree with unanimity.
start something that I am not going to fin
- Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
- Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
- Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
- Love thy neighbor; tune thy piano.Read More
Substitute Teacher 0votes
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Farmer Brown's son George went to the big city to make his fortune.
Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living.
At the same time,
So, in this story, ... the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.
Here Kitty, Kitty 0votes
I read an article recently about someone having tremendous problems bathing a cat.
This tickled me, and I am moved to describe an incident in the same vein.
Has anyone had to take a cat to the
I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life except for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder which came on during a funeral service.
My cat had a Sheep Tick lodged on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take him to the vet.
When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket made from stout wicker for this very purpose.
I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave me a cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in that, you can shove it up your arse, mate".
So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft, gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are banned and owned by people with their names tattooed on their foreheads in mirror writing.
Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously.
However, as soon as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide that he was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously.
There followed two minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his German helmet caught in his fly.
"Come on, puss, go in"
"Get in you fat fucking furry fucker"
Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds.
But I had been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round for tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial hair.
So, I took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue.
Cat sat with his paws folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning his ultimate revenge....
We got on the bus and sat down.
It was the usual group of afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for free and spotty adolescents going to burgle houses.
For the first few minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking his bottom.
Then it started.
"M E E O O W....WOOOOOOO....WOWOWOWO.....MEEEEEEEOOOWW...grrrrroowwwwlll"
The old lady next to me was rather startled.
I think she thought it was an Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at it again and my Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls off".
But it soon became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making the racket.
Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman headphones off.
Then came the bombshell.
It started as the faintest whiff - the merest zephyr of cat shit wafting up my nose.
It's worth pondering for a moment what goes on in a cats devilish insides.
Consider what goes in at the front end.
Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as "fit for human consumption".
But if I came home after a hard day at the office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's.
Cat food is vile.
There is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts "Oh Jesus Fucking Christ" when they get a whiff of it.
So, considering the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling & Pointing competition.
And then came the urine.
Yorkshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a drought.
In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted reservoirs.
They needn't have bothered.
All they had to do was couple a pipeline to my cat's tallywhacker, erect a sizable distilling facility and provide gas masks to the local residents.
I have never seen as much urine come from a living being.
I've giggled at horses relieving themselves in fields, and I've seen an elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV programme.
But they are insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's angry.
Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a bladder.
Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal.
So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers.
My khaki, summer trousers.
The crotch of my trousers.
It was way before my stop, but I just had to get off the bus because people were starting to threaten me between retches.
I walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling ball of furry, clawy anger in a basket.
I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight at the dark, damp patch that was my crotch.
It was very difficult to retain my dignity.
When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the cat, whipped out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant.
Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a platoon of hungry soldiers with tapeworms, he said "You could have removed that at home - you needn't have made the effort to come all the way here".
The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with "That bill has got to be paid - it's no good wiping your crotch with it".
$200 Please 0votes
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again.
But had run out of people to borrow from.
So, he calls his parents via the operator, and
"I need to borrow two hundred Dollars," he says.
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred Dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly."
The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!"
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause I was wonderin', think I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"