Cannibals At The Olympics
Two cannibals are at the Jungle Olympics 100 metres
final.
"I'm so hungry, I think might eat a couple of those
runners later," says one. "Would you care to join me?"
"No,
thanks," says the other. "I think I'll just have the starter."
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Seconds
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
The Elderly
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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The Photographer And The Pilot
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.
Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically
called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.
He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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Work
A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing.
The Colonel says sex is 90%
work and only 10% pleasure.
The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and
10% work.
They can't
agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate.
The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty.
They ask him his opinion.
He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead.
He answers,"Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB's would have me doing it"!
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Forgive Me!
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he
turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside
him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm,if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
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Attachment For Mother-in-law
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last
few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her
chin to keep her mouth shut!
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Virgin
Test
Two
Stupid guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding...
"I'm
not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His
buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' You hit her with the shovel!"
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Dead! Maybe….
An elderly man called 911 and said he thought his wife might be dead.
Operator: "MIGHT be dead? Sir, can't you tell if she's dead?"
Man: "I'm not quite sure."
Operator: "Well, what
makes you THINK she's dead?"
Man: "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are beginning to pile-up in the sink."
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Secret
A gushy reporter said to Jack Nicklaus, "You are
spectacular, and your name is synonymous with the
game of golf. You really know your way around the
golf course.
What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
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