The Organist 0votes
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here’s a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star- Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.
I Suppose You Think Thats Funny? 0votes
There were three men standing on the top of the Empire State Building…
An American, an Englishman and an Irishman.
The American says. " I can fly around this building three times, do a triple somersault before landing right back here,"
"oh yeah!" said the Irishman. "Bet you can’t!".
With that the American dives off the building, flies three times round it, soaring high into the air, descending through a triple somersault before landing right next to the other two men.
"That was brilliant" exclaimed the Irishman, "I will do that but with four somersaults."
The Irishman dives off the building and plummets to the ground at great speed and a sickening ‘splat.’
The Englishman looks at the American and says….. "And I suppose you think that’s funny, Superman!"
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"
A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.
The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two – the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir," answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."
Snow White 0votes
Prince Charming walks into a tavern appearing downtrodden.
Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he’s so glum.
“You wouldn’t believe it,” he replies. “I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when, suddenly I approached Snow White fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her tells me that she ate a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give her a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I’m making passionate love to her right there in the woods when suddenly, she screams out, ‘Ah yes!'”
“That’s great!” the bartender excitedly replies. “Then she’s alive!”
Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, “Nah. She faked it.”
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer.
Then he sees some people he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note “I spit in this beer” hoping that no one would steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying “Me too!”
My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.
Time was when, of its own accord, from my trousers it would spring.
but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.
For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.
But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.
The Camel Mechanic 0votes
Two desert travelers rented a Camel from Hertz Rent-a-Camel.
Out in the middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down.
The chaps could not get it to arise no matter what they tried.
They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out a camel mechanic when they got to the nearest village.
A few hours later the Mechanic arrived.
He looked in the Camel’s mouth, ears, and up its rectum.
He went to his tool bag and pulled out a large rubber headed sledge hammer.
He raised this high in the air and brought it down on the Camel’s belly, as hard as he could.
Well, that camel let a fart you could hear and smell as far away as 17 sand dunes.
It then struggled to its feet.
"Ah ha!" the Mechanic said. "Just as I thought! vapor locked!"
Riddle For The President 0votes
On a trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with the Queen.
He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That's easy," replied the Queen, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?"
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen.
"You may go now."
President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove.
He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House staff, and asked them the riddle.
But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.
So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him.
So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove.
"You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went into the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush.
"The child was Tony Blair!"
Bubbles In The Bath 0votes
For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey.
So it wouldn’t be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.
He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name?” asked the student
"John”, replied the man.
"Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what your favourite pastime is?”
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.
He liked the esoteric answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name?”
"Jeff!” said the second man.
"Sir, would you please tell me your favorite pastime?”
"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.
Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching bubbles in the bath".
He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.
Our surveyor starts again – "What is your name?"