Three Big Smiles 0votes
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
Fake Plastic Surgeon Sought For Botched Operations 0votes
Miami Beach, FL - Police are looking for a "butcher" with no medical training who, while posing as a plastic surgeon, mutilated at least three people, including a former male champion bodybuilder who received women's
The imposter, Reinaldo Silvestre, and two accomplices used an animal tranquilizer in botched operations including the one preformed on bodybuilder, Mr. Mexico of 1975.
The case came to light last month when a videotape was brought to police showing the surgery on the bodybuilder.
Miami Beach police Capt. Charles Press spoke about the videotape "... it was obscene. I've been [a police officer] for almost 25 years, and I was repulsed. The guy kept waking up. They told him to lie down and not worry about it. He was in obvious pain."
The videotape showed that Silvestre used an instrument that resembled a spatula during the surgery.
It also showed him jamming the implants into the man's chest with his fingers. [In the future these guys will want to stay abreast of the latest plastic surgical techniques.]
Estrogen Issues 0votes
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
- Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
- You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
- The dryer has shrunk every last
pair of your jeans.
- Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
- You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
- Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
- Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
- You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
- You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
- The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..Read More
Nasty News 0votes
A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.
Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.
The guy paled.
"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"
"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
- On the other hand, Rome was burnt in a day.
- Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."Read More
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Don't play stupid with me.... I'm better at it!
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
- The more I learn, the
less I understand.
- Do unto others, then run.
- I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
- My wife gets more dirt out of a phone than she can out of a vacuum cleaner!
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.
- Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
- The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
- I used to be a heavy gambler but now I just make mental bets; that's how I lost my mind.Read More
Vampires In Venice 0votes
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go.
They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.
So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice.
On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.
A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.
As they neared, the vampires made their move.
Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.
Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first-sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.
In a short while a third young couple provides just that.
As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires decided that they had had a marvellous dinner but that it was time to head back home.
As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing.
They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.
As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal.
They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.
They listened as the alligator sang.............................. Drained wops keep fallin' on my head..
Men’s Thoughts During Love Making 0votes
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
Unknown Story 0votes
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor.
She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied.
Classes For Women 0votes
Classes for women at the learning center for adults - registration must be completed by Oct 5th.
Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class size will
Class 1: How to Fill Up the Gas Tank in the Car Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2: The Shower: Does it Really Take Twenty Minutes to Warm the Water? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3: Fundamental Differences Between the Significant Other’s Back and a Heating Pad: Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 4: Snuggling: It’s NOT All It’s Cracked Up to Be Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 5: Learning How to Fix Things: A Hammer Is Your Friend Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 6: Health Watch - Talking During Super Bowl/World Series/ Stanley Cup Can Be Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 7: Real Women ask for Sex. Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 8: Is it genetically impossible to talk on the phone for less than 1.5 hours? Phone Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 9: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion: Making a decision in less than fourteen wardrobe changes. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 10: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Sports Statistics for Longer Than a Nanosecond. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 11: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used for Women. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.