A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her Doctor.
The Doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had
"Hey, Look, I'm a Veterinarian ... "I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions, I can tell what's wrong just by looking."
She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The Doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
Let Me Think 0votes
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge.
The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.
The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?"
The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"
Dear Abby**** 1vote
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... phone rings but if I
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls".
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Men Served Only 0votes
A feminist walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "for men only".
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender. "We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says. "I'll take two of them."
1999 Darwin Awards 0votes
The 1999 Darwin Awards 9-28-99 Yes, the long wait is over. The 1999 Darwin Awards are officially here. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards
Grand Prize Winner
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, then jumped... and hit the pavement! Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy was scheduled for later in the week.
2nd Prize Winner
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
3rd Prize Winner
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.
4th Prize Winner
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.
5th Prize Winner
GIMME A LIGHT
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
(Didn't kill himself - but came very close) A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were Able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
That’ll Teach You! 0votes
John decided to visit his friend, Dave,who had just moved into a new high-rise apartment building.
As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice say, "Hi there, big boy."
John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that!
He took the elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door opened and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her.
John walked over to the open door.
"I've been waiting for someone like you," the lady said as she slowly unzipped his pants.
John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand.
Then she gave it a sharp whack with her other hand!
John jumped back in alarm.
"What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.
She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place."
No Pets 0votes
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher say, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The Bouncer at the door says, "Sorry Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand, this is my seeing-eye dog."
The Bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good and he protects me from robbers too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the Bouncer says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand, this is my seeing-eye dog."
The Bouncer at the doors say, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? Those bozo's gave me a Chihuahua?!
Hunting In The South 0votes
A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line.
"OK. Now what??"
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney.
He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
Old Golfer 0votes
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly.
He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between the ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."