10 Random Jokes

can pretty much go home whenever I want now.

 

of ice were speeding by at a dizzying 125 kilometres an hour.

It was all a blur and it required the utmost concentration and control to keep the sled from becoming airborne, and you with it.

Schmidt was the German luge champ, had been for three years in a row, and today he was defending his title against the up and coming Austrian, Wolfgang "Zippy" Zittler.

Schmidt was calm as he positioned himself in the tiny sled.

The time to beat was 45.962 seconds. it would not be easy but Zittler was young and inexperienced and even though his time was the day's best, Schmidt was confident.

The Austrian had tried three times before but with no success.

This time would be no different.

He gripped the rails and pulled the sled back and forth a few times to align himself with the alley of ice.

Then with a mighty heave, Schmidt shot out of the gate, propelling himself as much as possible before lying back on the sled.

The most difficult part of luge racing was taking the turns just right.

It was here that you won or lost those precious hundredths of a second that were so critically important.

Of course Schmidt was aware of this and when he took the second turn a little wide, knew he would have to pour it on if he was going to pull this one out.

Concentrate.

The third turn was coming up fast and Schmidt tensed his legs to steer into it.

Perfect.

It would be close.

All he had to do was not make any more mistakes.

The turns were coming fast and furious now.

Just three to go.

Now two

Now one.

He was flying.

Eat shit, Zippy, he thought as the sled rounded the curve and shot down the stretch.

But just as he prepared to cross the finish line and accept the cheers of the hometown crowd, he felt something penetrate his left buttock.

The shock almost sent him skyward.

His sled had cracked and a piece of fiberglass had embedded itself in his rear end.

He tried to stop and grab his ass at the same time, a very difficult manoeuvre, even for a gifted athlete.

Then he heard the announcement. 47.083 seconds.

Fifth place!

It was an embarassment.

In disgust, he rolled off the sled, which had slowed considerably, grabbed it and flung it into the crowd.

Then he cupped his bleeding cheek and stomped off.

Little drops of blood marked his trail.

Zittler, who was watching the entire spectacle, turned to his companion and smiled. . . . ''Ah, ze zweetness of victory. I knew he'd
be a sore luge-r.''

men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not.

He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business.

They would not.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business.

Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

 

prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

 

right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write. Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right. Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right. Right?

 

were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

 

said "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went.

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.

The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

 

he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.

Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"

"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"

dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

 

the light.

"Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said.

Then he rolled it around in his fingers and added, " And it feels like rubber."

Curious, the executive asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk shook his head, "Damned if I know. It looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The executive said, "Let me take a look."

He examined it, rolled it between his fingers and said, "Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."