The 1999 Darwin Awards 9-28-99
Yes, the long wait is over. The 1999 Darwin Awards are officially here.
For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards;
these awards
are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals
who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.
Grand Prize Winner
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead
yesterday after he tried to use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes
with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle,
police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food
worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one
foot,
anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, then
jumped... and hit the pavement! Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance
between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the
apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy was scheduled for
later in the week.
2nd Prize Winner
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies
were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm hit the lake.
Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the
lawyer. On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this
individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and
shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered.
The other two passengers on the boat survived the lightning strike with minor
burns.
3rd Prize Winner
CATCH
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but
there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend
were playing catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from
here. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was
hospitalized.
4th Prize Winner
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this
unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a
gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ... more or less. He
was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed
to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to
drive and dial at the same time.
5th Prize Winner
GIMME A LIGHT
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized
warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After
the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching
into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of
as "bright" by his peers.
RUNNER UP
(Didn't kill himself - but came very close)
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position
yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of
thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them
one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy
Glue"... the hard way.
Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive
was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and
jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a
resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as
it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However,
once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to
panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended
passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately.
She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some
depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank,"
said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed,
a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the
stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth,
it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands
from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down.
However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr.
Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.
"It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our
faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr.
Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three
people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were
Able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her
rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a
while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed
with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of
course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov,
leader of the troupe.