10 Random Jokes

Streams
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A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men.

He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

"What the hell

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You Know You’re In Trouble When
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  • Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
  • You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
  • The little
  • Your suggestion box starts ticking.
  • Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
  • You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
  • You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
  • They pay your wages out of petty cash.
  • The moths in your money belt starve to death.
  • You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
  • You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.
  • Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
  • The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
  • People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
  • Your wife starts charging you rent.
  • A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
  • You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
  • You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
  • The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
  • Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
  • There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
  • The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
  • The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
  • A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.

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Mother Of Four
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Haggard Mother of four talking on phone, as husband embraces her from behind:

"One of these days Marge, somebody's gonna come up with a book: 'How to Get Out of Doing

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Miserable
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Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend,
 
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Little Johnny Gets a Haircut
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Little Johnny was a country boy who had come into some money and decided he would go to town.

Having never been to town before he strolled up and down the street looking at the stores, when he

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Chivalry
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Homeward bound at the end of the war, a Confederate soldier saw a beautiful woman and was about to go over and introduce himself when a fellow train passenger pushed

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Warning Labels I’d Like To See
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  • Cell phones: "Phone should always be in the off position before being lodged up your ass by the angry motorist you just rear-ended."
  • Jaegermeister: "What can you possibly be thinking?"

 

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English Channel Swim
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A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first, the redhead second.

The blonde finally reached the

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Valium
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A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.

She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care

 

Burnt Redneck
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Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for.

Daryl went

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