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10 Random Jokes

10 Things Not To Say To Your New Girls Parents:
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  1. My parole officer thinks Suzy has a calming effect on me.
  2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
  3. Which one of you taught Suzy to give such great head?
  4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads
  5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
  6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
  7. Suzy is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
  8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
  9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Suzy's will be okay too.
  10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

 

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Bizarre Laws – Wisconsin
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  • All yellow butter substitute was banned in the state, this included margarine. Since repealed.
  • Cheese making requires a cheese maker's
  • State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.
  • The state definition of rape stated that it was a man having sex with a woman he knows not to be his wife.
  • No man can be in a state of arousal in public. Kenosha, WI.
  • In US, the Code of Federal Regulations declares it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.

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Give Me Ten Minutes
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A guy is sitting at the bar when he notices a lady sitting by herself.

He grabs his drink and goes over to her and introduces himself.

After chatting for a while, he confesses that his wife

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Safe Gay Sex
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A man went to see the doctor for his annual checkup.

Upon finishing the checkup the doctor said he was in perfect health.

The man the broke the news to the doctor that

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Keeping The Other Sex Happy
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How To Make A Woman Happy

It's not difficult.
To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

  1. a friend
  2. a companion
  3. a lover
  4. a brother
  5. a father
  6. a master
  7. a chef
  8. an electrician
  9. a carpenter
  10. a plumber
  11. a mechanic
  12. a decorator
  13. a stylist
  14. a sexologist
  15. a gynecologist
  16. a psychologist
  17. a
  18. a psychiatrist
  19. a healer
  20. a good listener
  21. an organizer
  22. a good father
  23. very clean
  24. sympathetic
  25. athletic
  26. warm
  27. attentive
  28. gallant
  29. intelligent
  30. funny
  31. creative
  32. tender
  33. strong
  34. understanding
  35. tolerant
  36. prudent
  37. ambitious
  38. capable
  39. courageous
  40. determined
  41. true
  42. dependable
  43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

  1. give her compliments regularly
  2. love shopping
  3. be honest (white lies okay)
  4. be very rich
  5. not stress her out
  6. not look at other girls

and

  1. keep the heat up

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

  1. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
  2. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
  3. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

  1. to never forget:
  • birthdays
  • anniversaries
  • arrangements she makes

 

How To Make A Man Happy

 

  1. Feed him
  2. Fuck him
  3. and Shut the fuck up.
 

 

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Heartburn
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A very inebriated lady walks into a bar, shortly before closing time, sits at the bar and orders: "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy".

The bartender brings her a Martini, which she drinks in one

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The Good Bad And The Ugly
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Good: You flirt with a gorgeous woman at a party
Bad: Your wife notices
Ugly: You're married to Lorena Bobbitt

 

Good: Your 22 year old daughter got a new job.

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Definitions For Parents
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  • AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
  • DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
  • FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
  • FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
  • FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him.
  • GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
  • HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
  • IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
  • INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
  • OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
  • PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
  • PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
  • SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
  • STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
  • TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
  • TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
  • VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
  • WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

 

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Hillary Gets Pregnant
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Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious.

Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her.

She calls

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Correct
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A First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can

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