The Magician Game 0votes
A fellow was sitting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blonde came in and sat next to him.
After talking and having a few drinks together, the fellow says to her, “How about playing the Magician Game?”
“And what would that be?” answered the blond.
“We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and then you disappear.”
Wife Vs Mistress 0votes
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Improving Behaviour 0votes
Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that’ll help improve his behavior ?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it’ll spread it over a wider area."
Income Taxes 0votes
One day, Tony, died.
When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.
He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven
So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money…even more then you did.”
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend John up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold.
Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend John.
They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these dog-awful women.
John replied, “I have no idea, and I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand… after everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur’s to herself, “Damn income taxes!”
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol’mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin’ Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I’ll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I’ll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we’ll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat’d be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.
"Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!."
"Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I’ll tell ya
what I’ll do. I’ll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den
we’ll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only
one fookin tail."
"Ah tat’d be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and……….you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.
"PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL ‘EM APART!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how’s about you have the black one, and I’ll have the white one"
Subject: US Presidential Position Outsourced to India
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 15th, 2006.
The move is being made to save the President’s $400,000 yearly salary and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of April 15th, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of US $320 a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be president someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, because Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Filthiest Balls 0votes
During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants.
After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I’ve ever seen!"
The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something."
She replies, "Not now, I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t had time to wipe my ass!"
He says, "That’s what I want to talk to you about."
Two lesbians were having a drink at the bar when a good-looking woman waved at them from across the room.
"I’d like to get between her legs," said the first lesbian.
"Oh, no you wouldn’t," responded her friend. "She’s hung like a donut."
The Question 0votes
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.
So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.
In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer.
The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises…
He had never run across such a repugnant creature.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it went.
The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had!
Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.
Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.
The old witch put her worst manners on display.
She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom.
What a sight awaited!
The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!
Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question?
Gawain began to think of his predicament:
During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch?
Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?
What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, SMART OR DUMB. UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH!!
Mental Illness 0votes
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends.
If they are okay, then it’s you.