Blowjobs $5 0votes
A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him,"Blowjob, five dollars".
He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.
Soon another girl does the same thing.
Confused, he keeps walking.
The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what’s a blowjob?".
His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".
Pearl Necklace 0votes
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You’ll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it . . . and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Valentine’s Day 0votes
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."
The Old Horse And The Chicken 0votes
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.
He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can’t be found.
So he drives the farmer’s BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to the horse, and drives the car forward, saving him from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again.
This time, it’s the chicken that falls into the mud hole.
The chicken yells to the horse to go get some help from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!"
He stands over the hole, stretches out, and says, "Grab my thingie! Then pull yourself up to safety!"
The chicken does just that, and is rescued.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Dave the Milkman 0votes
“My wife just told me she’s having an affair with Dave the Milkman,” the bloke from over the road admitted to me earlier.
“What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?” I replied.
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?”
A Good Fuck 0votes
A good fuck costs nothing, but gives much.
It reaches those who receive without making poorer those who give.
It takes but a moment, but the memory sometimes lasts a lifetime.
None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it, and none is so poor but that he can be made richer by it.
A good fuck creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in business, and is the countersign of friendship.
It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged.
A good fuck is sunshine to the sad, and is nature's best antidote for trouble.
Yet, it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is of no value to anyone until it is given away.
Some people are too tired to give you a good fuck.
Give them one of yours, as none needs a good fuck so such as he who has no more to give.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know…the one that’s red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that’s the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Special Occasion 0votes
For our honeymoon my fiance and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites.
When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes, it’s our honeymoon," I replied.
"How many adults will there be?" she asked.
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates…okay?
Positive Thinking 0votes
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?"