10 Top Jokes

Five Stages Of Drinking
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(although it was not credited, I think this should be credited to the comedian Larry Miller)

LEVEL 1: It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.".

LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, "Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool.".

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger….and he’s buying. And you’re thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.".

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an …after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well….as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well….STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ……………….cool.

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that." At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say…"Who’s Ruby?" Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

Bear Hunting
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Bill’s all excited about his new rifle.

So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska .

The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot.

There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says "You’ve got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex."

Bill bends over for the bear. He’s sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him.

At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder.

A huge grizzly is standing right behind him.

The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You’ve got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

Bill bends over. He survives, but he’s really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he’s outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range.

There’s a tap on his shoulder.

He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don’t really come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

The Old Cow
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It would seem that a parish priest in the County Mayo was walking along a road  when he saw an angry-looking bull burst through a gap in a hedge and trot threateningly across the field where a peasant girl was milking a cow of a staid and venerable appearance.

The clergyman shouted a warning.

The girl glanced up, then calmly went on with her milking.

The bull continued to advance.

He snorted and pawed the earth and tossed his massive head.

The alarmed cleric called out again to the imperilled young woman, bidding her to run for safety.

She looked about, waved a hand reassuringly and bent again to her task.

Just as the distressed onlooker was preparing to risk his own life by distracting the animal from the reckless colleen, the bull gave a final snort, turned off and lumbered back to his pasture.

The good father vaulted the hedge and proceeded to lecture the girl on her foolhardiness in face of a great peril.

With an airy wave of her arm she interrupted him:”Shure, your riverince,” she said, “I was in no danger whatsoever.”

“What makes you say that, you foolish child?” he demanded. “With my own two eyes didn’t I see him charging down upon you. It was only by the mercy of Providence and my own quick prayers for your deliverance that he didn’t stick you with both those long horns of his.”

“Beggin’ your pardon, Father,” she said, “but that wasn’t it at all. All along, from the first, I knew he wouldn’t dare come nearer toward me.”

“Why wouldn’t he then?”

“He wouldn’t come by reason of this cow bein’ here all the while.”

“And what had that old cow to do with it?” asked the astonished priest.

“She’s his mother-in-law.”

 

Had It!
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”

 

Medical Facts
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  • There are 10 doctors in the U.S. with the last name of Nurse.
  • There are 18 doctors in the US called Dr.Doctor,
  • and one called Dr. Surgeon.
  • There is also a dermatologist named Dr. Rash,
  • a psychiatrist called Dr. Couch
  • and an anesthesiologist named Dr. Gass.

Panties
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A woman goes to her doctor’s office and inquires, “Did I leave my panties here doctor?’

“No”, said the Doctor.

“Then I must have left them at the Dentist’s office”, said the woman.

 

Where Did The Love Go?
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A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them.

The woman notices the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love.

The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise down the highway.

This causes the woman to think back to when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years.

Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?"

Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then he quietly replied, "I haven’t moved…."

Magic
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A little boy had an assignment and he had to find out what magic was.

His mum and dad were busy so he asked his pop.

His pop said "Turn around and pull your pants down and I’ll show you", so he does.

Then his pop said "You can feel my finger up your arse but you can see my hands in front of your face – now thats magic!"

 

Technical Article
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Hazardous Material Information Bulletin
Material Safety Data Sheet
Woman: A chemical analysis

Element: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: ADAM
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg., but known to vary from 40-200kg.
Occurences: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expencive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in
alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rose pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more then one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact
with each other.

 

Dreaming
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A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?"

"You’ll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."

 

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