Randy, The Talking Horse 0votes
Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John.
He would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy, how’s everything today?" and then bridle his horse.
One day while going through this routine he said, "Hey there, John…" when, to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him!
He said, "For months now, you’ve walked in here and said, ‘Hey there, John, old buddy, how’s everything today?’ and I’m tired of it! You never wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!"
And with that, the horse took off running!
Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying to catch it.
Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase.
After a while the man became tired and stopped to rest at the side of the road.
He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came back also now breathless, and sat down beside him.
The man wondered aloud, "I’ve never heard a horse talk before!"
"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.
Losing His Mind 0votes
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their husbands.
"My husband’s losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."
"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.
"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said.
"The way my husband’s thing has been working the last few years, that waterbed might as well be the Dead Sea."
First Wedding 0votes
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."
An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes.
As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.
"I’m sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."
Playing Golf 0votes
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf.
Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap.
Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green.
Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats.
So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green.
Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water also.
As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green.
The ball shoots out of the fish’s mouth and rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns around and says, “Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?”
Adventures At Sea 0votes
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.
Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of ’em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh…", mused the pirate, "We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well…" said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."
Not Stopping! 0votes
A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse.
The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before.
Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes.
"You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?"
"I wasn't quite sure," replied the man.
"Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife.
"You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..
Dam Beavers 0votes
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
You Must Be Blind! 0votes
Kramer goes to an optometrist and he's lead into a room where the doctor pulls down a small screen with letters.
"Read me the bottom line, Mr. Kramer."
"Sorry, Doc, I can't."
"Okay, how about the line above that?"
"… the next one up?"
This goes on for half an hour with the optometrist pulling down progressively larger and larger eye charts with ever bigger letters.
Finally, the doctor says, 'Well, I've never had to use it before, but see if you can read this."
With that, he pulled a lever, the wall collapsed and a giant 50 foot flaming orange 'A" rose up out of the ground.
'Now surely you can read THAT!" snarled the frustrated optometrist.
"Sorry, Doc, but I can't."
"Then, man, you must be blind!"
"Oh no, Doc, my eyesight's fine. I just never learned how to read!
A pastor was doing his children’s sermon with all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.
He was discussing the story of Jonah.
He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2: "And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.
Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land" (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10).
When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon.
He asked thoughtfully, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"
One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire congregation to hear, "It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher!"