3 Hymns 0votes
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.
The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor.
He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.
It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that’s a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It’s a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"
Buying Perfume 0votes
Two women walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it "That's quite nice innit, don't ya fink so Trace?"
Tracey has a sniff and replies "Yeah! 'snot bad is it? wossit called then?
Sharon glances at the label and says "Viens à Moi".
"VIENS À MOI" shrieks Tracey, "What the hell does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help."Viens à moi ladies is French for 'come to me'", she explains.
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying "That don't smell like come to me Trace, does it smell like come to you?"
Against the advice of his stockbroker, Willings bought ten thousand shares of Miraculous Mining at a dollar a share.
The price doubled to two dollars.
Willings called his broker and said, "Buy ten thousand more shares."
The price soared to four dollars.
Willings called again and ordered another twenty thousand shares.
The price shot up to six dollars.
Willings called once again. "Time to take my profit," he said. "Sell it all."
"Sell?" his broker said. "To who?"
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters — even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath.
The Rabbi called them into his study the next day.
Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment.
The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas.
“Put these in your shoes,” he told them, “and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law.”
A few days later the two students met.
One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired.
The other seemed much as he had been the week before.
“Hey,” said the first. “How is it that you are walking so freely? Didn’t you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?”
“Of course I did,” said the other.
“How could I disobey the Rabbi?”
He started to walk away, paused and then said “But I boiled them first.”
Bra Types 0votes
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, one of the largest department store chains.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I’d like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
The man looked befuddled.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
"Can you explain?" the man asked.
The saleslady answered, "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
Area 51 0votes
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a- base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a- way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
With None 0votes
One day a hunter was walking through the woods and he spotted an Indian Chief being chased by a grizzly bear.
So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the bear thus saving the Indian Chief's life.
The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him one heck of a bash for saving his life.
There was plenty of food.
Indians were dancing all over the place with happiness.
They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and choose one, she will be your wife."
With this the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged young beautiful Indian maidens.
They walked in front of the hunter so he could get a better view of them.
The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were topless.
And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their breasts.
He turned to the Chief and asked why don't any of his maidens have nipples on their breast.
The Chief replied, "What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?"
Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.
The first one says, “Oh, three fingers.”
The second says, “Gotcha beat, my whole fist!”
The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.
Death Bed 0votes
Yakov was on his death bed, breathing his last.
His family had gathered around him.
Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked, "Mama — you here?"
"Sammy — you here?"
"Isadore — you here?"
"Rosalie — you here?
Rachel — you here?"
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old man shouted, "Well, who’s watching the store?"