10 Top Jokes

The Ex
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This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. 

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said "Just so long as you don't mind  a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!  Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

 

Three Old Guys
***  1vote

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

 

 

Irish Gas Station
     0votes

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Rolls Royce into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware of whom the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees." replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!!" exclaimed the Irish attendant.

"Those fellas at Rolls-Royce think of everything!!!"

 

Sexual Survey
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A newspaper was doing a survey on sexual habits.
One questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman, wearing a black suit, and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.
"Oh, about half a dozen times a year," said the gentleman.
The questioner smiled, saying, "I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!"
"We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don’t think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a 72-year-old priest with no car."

 

Fishing Fools
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Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.

One day they caught 30 fish.

One said to his friend, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow."

The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You fool! What if we don’t get that same boat today!?!?"

Born-again Virgin
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A female aquaintence of mine had tired of playing the club/dating scene and after deciding to find some financially suitable and physically presentable gent to settle down with,  who presented all the correct hair, skin and eye coloring, was the right height and weight  in order for her planned assault in producing offspring to cement, she thought, her future financial security.

She was very surprised to find a candidate so quickly.

The one hangup to her plan was the victim was a product of a small southern bible college and being a bit naive, wanted a world class beauty, well educated, street wise, untouched virgin bride to marry.

Since she had thrown off all bounds of virginity way back in high school to seek out the hidden mysterious passions reputed to be associated with wild boys and sex she was about as far from being mistaken for a virgin as one could get.

But seeing she was determined to go forward with the pursuit of her goal, I suggested she visited a doc I knew to see about the possibility of reconstructing her hymen and hide or mask any hints of her previous sexual activities.

The doctor told her that it would cost around $500, but there was another quicker way that would cost only $50 and with the addition of some hysterical theatrics on her part, he thought she could no doubt accomplish the same ruse.

So my friend opted to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes and then informed her she was ready for launch or "hot to trot !"

After the wedding "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect.

The pain, the blood, the screams, everything was there.

Then she asked him how he did it.

He looked at her, smiled devilishly and said, "I tied your pubic hair together,"

 

Toilet Paper
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A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.

This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paperbetween my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?"

He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again….

Blonde Q & A
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Q: Why did the blonde couple freeze to death in their car at a drive-in theater?

A: They went to see "Closed for the winter".

 

Q: Why can’t blondes get jobs in a pharmacy?

A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

 

Manhattan
     0votes

Arriving back in Manhattan after a summer in Vermont takes some getting used to.

I was walking from Park Avenue to Madison the first hour of my return when I noticed a woman walking cautiously and apparently painfully.

The woman was wearing thongs, her black patent pumps held high in one hand and her other hand outstretched for balance.

"You poor thing, your feet must really hurt," I said as she was about to pass me.

The woman was indignant.

"Wet nails," she said tersely.

Poem For Women
**** 1vote

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify any shopping spree.
Don’t go to a barber, but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
My beauty’s a masterpiece and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit to others when I’m wrong.
I don’t drive in circles, at any cost.
And I don’t have a problem admitting I’m lost.
I never forget an important date.
You just gotta deal with it, I’m usually late.
I don’t watch movies with lots of gore.
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score.
I won’t lose my hair, I don’t get jock itch.
And just cause I’m assertive, Don’t call me a bitch.
Don’t say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry’s best.
Look at me you idiot…
Not at my chest????
I don’t have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you’re lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON’T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN.
Get it?, you DICK

 

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