Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Dog: "Human legs that just tease."

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog: "What the… HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There’s a new one!"

A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all – money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman… then, poof! It was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out…"

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. 

He could no longer remember his lines.

Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled.

All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

He asked. "No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!" 

A four-year-old wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.

“What’s the matter young fella?” asks a concerned shop assistant.

“I’ve lost my mommy!” wails the youngster, sobbing convulsively.

“Don’t worry, we’ll soon find her,” soothes the shop assistant.”Now what’s mommy like?”

“Big dicks and vodka,” sobs the little fella

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf.

Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap.

Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the ball onto the green.

Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap, where the ball curiously floats.

So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green.

Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water also.

As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green.

The ball shoots out of the fish’s mouth and rolls into the cup.

Jesus turns around and says, “Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit messing around and play golf?”