5 Little Johnny Jokes

The new English teacher had just taken over her first class, a group of scruffy, leering boys.

"Give me a word beginning with 'A'," she said.

"Arseholes!" said little Johnny proudly.

Ignoring his remark, she continued.

“Now give me

I am, a real Melbourne taxi driver, driving up Lygon Street at 70 miles and hour and picking up speed."

As he was busily steering, he was also making the accompanying noises of blowing the horn, cursing out pedestrians who ran across the street in front of him, giving drivers the one-finger salute who got in his way, and screeching his brakes as he tried to avoid being hit or hitting someone.

Little Mary was sitting on her tricycle watching intently.

Becoming interested in what he was doing and all the excitement he was having, she asked, "Johnny, can I please go riding with you. When you take that politician to his office, can I ride with you? Pleeeeeease Johnny!, Pleeeeeeeease!"

"Wait just a minute," little Johnny said, as he cut back the sound of his motor and began to slow down the sounds of his motor.

"I'll drop this guy off, swing around the block, come up the right way on that one-say street you're on and take you up for a quick ride."

Little Mary climbed on the back of the vegetable crate and said, "I'm in, let's go!"

"Hey, fasten your seat belt," little Johnny commanded. "I'm a real taxi driver and I like to drive fast. The faster I drive, the more money I make and the more people I hear scream. So, prepare yourself, I'm fixing to make the tires squeal!"

After checking things out and revving up the engine, off the went.

About the time he was up to 80 miles and hour, and had narrowly missed a tour bus, Little Mary announced that she had to pee pee.

"Hey, don't make to stop right now, I'm on the way to the airport to catch a flight for some guy who's late.

"I'm sorry, but you'll just have to hold on for a second," Little Johnny said quite concerned with her discomfort. "You've got to hang in there for another minute or so!"

Little Johnny heard something that sounded like water running and when he looked down he saw a stream of yellow running between his feet.

Then, he glanced around and to see better he turned around and stared -- there sat Little Mary with her 'girlhood' exposed.

"Gee, that little thing is cute," he said, "real cute. Would you mind if I touch it?"

She nodded that he could, and he did -- ever so very briefly. 

"Hey, would you like to kiss it?" she asked.

"Hell no, I don't. You got me all wrong. You must have forgotten just who you're riding with," exclaimed Little Johnny. "I ain't Don Lane or Bob Hawke, I'm just a Melbourne taxi driver!"

 

Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, Johnny,"" his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed."

"That's what I did, Mama."

"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'", explained Johnny.

"What the f***'s the difference?", asked his father.

"That's what I said!!", replied Johnny.

 

that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"

The father was understandably shocked, "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything."

Johnny said, "Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me five dollars, if I lose, I pay you ten dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."

The father agrees to the wager.

They walk over to the pine tree, and sure nough two squirrels are coupling.

So the father forks over the five dollars as he promised.

It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten.

Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children.

So he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son, "Err, Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"

The teacher says she will try.

So the first day of class starts.

Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet fifty dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"

Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by little Johnny's remarks.

She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room, "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"

Little Johnny took this all in stride, "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars."

Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.

Now, Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher.

Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers.

What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life?

So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door.

She then locks the door and doffs her panties front of Little Johnny.

Sure enough he can see that her hair is blonde.

Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.

"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."

Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory and making a little change on the side.

She calls up the father to tell of her success.

"I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again."

The father is quite curious as to how she did it.

"Well, err ... You did say to use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well ... err ... I proved him wrong." She said.

"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!" The father asked.

"Well, um, I took Johnny into a side room and I dropped my drawers." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.

The father exclaimed, "That little son-of-a-bitch! He bet me a hundred dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class!"