Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived.

The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."

St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"

The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."

St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in."

The next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."

Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"

The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my kids when my heart gave out, and here I am."

Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in."

The third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed like a street walker.

Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."

Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'."

She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."

Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea!"

The girl replies, "You do if you give it to Leroy!"

Incontinence Hotline… Can you hold, please?

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years."

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?"

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

One morning, while shaving, John was cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of Vickie, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
"What’s the matter?" she called out.
"My razor – it won’t cut!" he answered.
"Don’t be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than the linoleum that it cut yesterday?"