Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.
His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She said, "Well Leroy, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.?"
After his temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend, Leroy

Now Leroy knew that Jesus was all-knowing and would know what kind of boy he really was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly, Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got
up and began to walk out the door, looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,
I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.

Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I was in my back yard yesterday trying to fly a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her "Make up your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite."

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.

While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it." 

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner’s consent……………………….. 12 calories

Without partner’s consent…………………….. 187

UNHOOKING BRA

Using two calm hands…………………………. 7

Using one trembling hand……………………… 36

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner……………………………… 1.5

Dragging partner along floor………………….. 16

Using skateboard…………………………….. 3

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS

For normal healthy man……………………….. 2.5

Losing erection……………………………… 14

Searching for it…………………………….. 115

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With erection……………………………….. 1.5

Without erection…………………………….. 300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM

If the woman who does it is:

Experienced…………………………………. 6

Inexperienced……………………………….. 73

If a man does it…………………………….. 650 (Add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room.)

POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY

Italian: Man on top, woman in kitchen………….. 26

Russian: Woman on bottom, Man getting permission… 55

American: Both on top………………………… 60

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE

Bouncing……………………………………. 7

Sliding around………………………………. 9

Serious skidding…………………………….. 12

Whiplash……………………………………. 27

ORGASM

Real……………………………………….. 27

Faked………………………………………. 160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Expression didn’t change……………………… 0.5

Orchestra swelled……………………………. 6

Birds sang:

Large birds……………………………… 7

Small birds……………………………… 3

Earth moved…………………………………. 30

Shoes flew off………………………………. 35

PULLING OUT

After orgasm………………………………… 0.5

A few moments before orgasm…………………… 500

PENIS ENVY

For woman…………………………………… 3

For men…………………………………….. 72

GUILT

Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally………………………… 53

You`re enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving…………….. 2

Sex on your lunch hour……………………….. 3

Putting it on expense account…………………. 20

AGGRAVATION

Partner keeps showing plant…………………… 5

Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay 14

Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time……… 10

Partner is taking phone calls…………………. 7

Partner is making phone calls…………………. 40

GETTING CAUGHT

By partner’s spouse………………………….. 60

By your spouse………………………………. 100

Trying to explain……………………………. 55

Trying to remain calm………………………… 100

Leaping out of bed…………………………… 75

Getting dressed in one motion…………………. 500