My dad was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom.

When he came out he sighed audibly and another golfer said to him, "Feel better?"

"Yeah," said dad, "It’s the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me to improve my stance or change my grip!"

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night.

When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good-looking bellboy.

The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bellboy if he did anything at all with them.

So the bellboy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her.

Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed.

Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him.

She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."

Rush Limbaugh has introduced a new line of cold cuts.

It’s called Limbaugher.

It’s all baloney, but it smells like shit.

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South.

One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats.

He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one.

When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself.

"Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."

"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up.

As the clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy.

The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.

The man said, "Screw Thee." 

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."