5 Lawyer Jokes

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Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal. A. Incontinence Hotline...

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. You fill it with gas.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

 

out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with ?"

 

"and what's your third question?"

Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. "Thank you, thank you my lord," said The Pope.

Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman.

"Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other one to The Pope?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, we get popes by the dozens, but you're our first lawyer."