Trial 0votes
A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial -it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -do you have a locker room in the police station -a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Quotes From The Montreal Comedy 0votes
- (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
Rich Jeni - "Ifound my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
Franck Dubosc- "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
Gary Valentine- (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
Jeff Green- "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
John Wing- "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
Francois Morency- "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
Rich Jeni- "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Tim Steeves- "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Jimmy Shubert- "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Rich Jeni- "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Emo Philips- "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt."
Ken Scott- "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
Lenny Clarke- "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Emo Philips- "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
Emo Philips- "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Rich Jeni- "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Ren Hicks- "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Jeff Green- "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Emo Philips- "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Kevin James- "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Emo Philips- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Rich JeniRead More - "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
Viagra Study 0votes
In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.
While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew
Researchers are at a loss to explain.
Shakespeare 0votes
Shakespeare was a very wise man.
But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words.
Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English.
It's about
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
You Need A New Lawyer When…. 0votes
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.
- Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
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