No Chances 0votes
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances -- order all three."
In The News – Humorous News Quips 0votes
In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor
- WARNING - may be offensive to Kenneth Starr (sorry Jack, couldn't leave it
Dan Quayle, impotent men, downsized employees of Motorola, Southern Baptists, women, men, the Amish, snails, the Navy, sufferers of Tourette's syndrome.
- The grand jury judge in the Starr - Clinton investigation has told lawyers for Kenneth Starr and President Clinton that there are to be no more leaks to the press. That information was, of course, immediately leaked to the press.
- Ken Starr has Secret Service agents testifying. He wants White House lawyers to testify. He wants private investigators to testify. He wants personal secretaries to testify. He was even seen on the White House lawn, trying to get Buddy to speak.
- In the recent California governor's race, the big loser was Al Checchi, who spent $40 million of his own money and has nothing to show for it. Kenneth Starr said, "Tell me about it." (Leno)
- Dan Quayle may be running for president. He said if he doesn't get the nomination in 2000, he'll try again four years later, in the year 6000. (Leno)
- Scientists now believe that El Nino is responsible for making our days one tenth of a millisecond longer. That's a relief. I thought I was imagining it.
- Tornadoes, brush fires, flooding and drought have bombarded the U.S. in the last two months. It's becoming a political issue. This week, Al Gore called for less violence on the Weather Channel.
- The FDA is looking into the deaths of six men who were taking Viagra. The sad thing is, to impotent guys, death is just a minor side effect. (Leno)
- Two Amish men in Pennsylvania were arrested for distributing cocaine. Police knew they were on to something when they discovered a crack barn.
- Actor Charlton Heston was elected president of the National Rifle Association. The NRA has waited a long time for man of his caliber.
- Motorola is laying off 15,000 people. The good news is, the company is giving them 30 free minutes to clear out their desks.
- Despite his recent death and burial, the Sinatra family announced that Frank Sinatra is doing fine and should recover soon.
- A Southern Baptist group declared that men should be the leader of the household and that women should submit to their men's wishes. The group also declared they'll be sleeping on the couch until further notice. (O'Brien)
- Astronomers are claiming that Pluto is not really a planet. Of course not, he's a dog.
- Mitsubishi Motors has agreed to pay a record $34 million to settle sexual harassment claims. In addition, Mitsubishi has agreed to change the name of its upcoming new car, the Bimbo.
- Researchers say an infection could be responsible for Tourette's syndrome, a disease causing involuntary outbursts of noise and swearing. Truck drivers appear to be especially susceptible to the infection.
- When Ginger Spice left the Spice Girls, a reporter commented to the remaining girls that they are now a quartet. One of them replied, "Please, no math."
- Ginger Spice says she left over differences. I think we can rule out creative. (Leno)
- I would like to send this message to my neighbors - that wasn't an earthquake you felt last Sunday. I am happy to announce that I now have nuclear weapons. (Miller)
- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Youngman)
- According to a recent survey, the first thing a man notices on a woman is her eyes. According to another survey, men lie a lot!
- Scientists have discovered a new species of snail. Well, it took them long enough.
- Sailors have long complained that the Navy's uniforms are decades out of date, making it impossible to find a matching purse and pumps.Read More
Mysteries Of The Universe 0votes
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" ...And does that mean that people
from Frankfurt are called "Frankfurters" and people from Hamburg called "Hamburgers"?
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your tuppenceworth in, what happens to the other penny?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
- Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?Read More
Sorry Father 0votes
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.
Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitch hiking.
He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
$50 Cheats 0votes
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.
Jon offers Amanpreet a bet. "Let's say we bet $50."
Amanpreet agrees and they're off.
They have a great
After the 8th hold, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Jon.
After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty.
Amanpreet pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!!!" he announces.
Jon looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"
"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"
"And you're a liar, too!" Jon said. "I have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"