Farmer Joe 0votes
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Cynics Dictionary 0votes
Definitions from the Cynic's Dictionary
- ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
-
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house
Bowlingtrophies and Elvis collectibles.
- BULIMIA: Retched excess.
- CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.
- CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides a closed circle of asses.
- CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.
- DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.
- DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.
- ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise.
- FIBER: Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood pulp.
- FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them.
- GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.
- HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting edge clichés.
- JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning.
- LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics.
- LECHER: A stud with liver spots.
- LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot.
- LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish.
- MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph.
- MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession.
- NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money.
- NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it.
- OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet.
- POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.
- QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.
- REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor.
- SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.
- STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.
- SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.
- STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.
- TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.
- UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.
- URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.
- VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.
- WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.
- X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.
- ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.
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Predictable Questions. 0votes
Lawyers are just so annoying!.
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
Bronze
Rat*****1vote
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's talked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"
Mistress Merits 0votes
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"