5 Lawyer Jokes

president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.

His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:

"We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced back previous to that year. Yours truly, etc."

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

"Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish said title to be claimed back further than I have done it. I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portuguese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella of Spain. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.

Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope to hell that you're satisfied."

and a lawyer.

On the table is a beautiful stripper dancing in a G-string.

When she faces away from them the doctor puts a $20 in the G-string on her left ass check, the lawyer puts a $20 in the G-string on her right ass cheek.

The truck driver reaches in his back pocket, takes out his wallet, but he sees that he has no cash in it, so he takes out his ATM card, swipes it in her ass, takes the $40 and runs like hell. :-)

See -- tennis shoes

 

theory.

So, for your reading enjoyment, we have here a massive collection of various ways in which people have tried to explain why shit happens:

In various world religions

• Taoism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it.
• Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit.
• Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
• Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time. Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation.
• Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? First, shit was shit. Then it wasn't. Now I'm one with Zen, and shit is shit again.
• 7th Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays.
• Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you.
• Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else! If shit happens, praise the lord for it.
• Presbyterianism: This shit was bound to happen.
• Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
• Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession. It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
• Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it
• Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Have faith that shit will happen. If shit happens, don't talk about it.
• Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
• Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit. Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.
• Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
• Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
• Judaism: Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
• Conservative Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
• Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives? Shit happens to whom it may concern.
• Orthodox Judaism: So shit happens, already! Islam: We don't take any shit.
• Sunni Islam: If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit! Shiite happens.
• Shi'ite Islam: WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT! If shit happens, take a hostage.
• Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit!
• Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us? Shit happens universally. All shit is truly shit.
• New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. Shit happens, and it happens to smell good. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. Visualize shit happening...
• Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes shit happen. An it harm none, let shit happen.
• Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. The best shit happens in the Watchtower. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens." Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door. Open the door and I'll show you what shit is. Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
• Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
• Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest. This shit was once food.
• Evolutionism: The world is getting shittier all the time.
• Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.
• Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself. Shit happens in your mind.
• Atheism: I don't believe this shit! Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit! It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
• Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. What is this shit?! I don't know shit! How can we KNOW if shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit!
• Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon.
• Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Let the shit multiply. Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah) Hey, there's more shit happening over here!
• Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ...
• Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. We'll wash the shit right off you.
• Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord!
• Shiite Baptist: Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's will and we know it...
• Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit! Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you!
• Congregationalism: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
• Unitarianism: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another. What is this Shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters. It's the process. Come let us reason together about this shit.
• Unitarian Universalism: There is only one shit and it happens to all of us.
• Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
• Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.
• EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all the shit that happens. Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!) Shit happens, but don't publish it.
• Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
• Mennonite: None of this modern shit now.
• Anabaptist: Shit only happens to adults.
• Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless. We like the same old shit the best.
• Native Americans: Shit is sacred when it happens.
• Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors. Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect.
• Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
• Manichaeism: How can Shit be Happening? There's good shit, and bad shit. But it's all shit.
• Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Christianity stole half its shit from us.
• Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
• Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
• Celtic Paganism: Shit, go bragh! Graeco-Roman Mythology: The Gods will tell us when Shit happens.
• Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
• Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
• Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you. We will make your shit happen. Shit doesn't just happen... it's created by an asshole. What's wrong with shit happening?
• SNEPPAH TIHS. Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen!
• Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you. This shit happened before, but we can clean it up if you pay us enough.
• Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit! Only some can see the real shit.
• Sikhism: Leave our shit alone. Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish.
• Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit. Lubavitcher
• Hassidism: Blessed are they upon whom He sends His most holy Shit to happen.
• Mithraism: Bull shit happens.
• Dominicans: Belive in shit, or we'll boil you in it.
• Epiphenomenalism: Shit's in the air and falling down.
• Eschatology: You think shit happens now, you just wait... Illuminism: We make shit happen.
• Jainism: Don't step on that shit, it's alive!
• Solipsism: All this shit is a creation of my imagination.
• Druidism: Shit Happens. The Trees say so.
• Branch Davidianism: May shit happen to the FBI! If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue... David thinks he's hot shit.
• Jesuitism: If shit happens and nobody hears it, did it really make a sound?
• Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C
• Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful. This MIGHT be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1973 Mustang.
• Deism: God does not make shit happen.
• Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some? Great Leader Kibo makes shit happen.
• Astrology: Jupiter is being really shitty to me today.
• Spam: Spam happens.
• Transcendental meditation: Shiiiit. Shiiiit. Shiiiit....
• SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
• Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening... Shit your way to a better life.
• Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157) Shit happens again & again & again ...

According to the Philosophers

• Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
• Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
• Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit? The truly wise do not claim to know shit...
• Plato: There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.
• Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...
• Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float? Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.
• Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? I shit, therefore I am.
• Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
• Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.
• Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway?
• Freud: Shit is a phallic symbol.
• Jung: The Shitter is the most important Archetype.
• Godel: It can be proved that it cannot be proved that shit happens.

In other various ways

• Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
• An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill. You may only shit during coffee breaks.
• An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off? This shit's not part of my contract.
• Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable. Good shit only happens once; bad shit is recycled. Humanity happens.
• Political Correctness: Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens. Communism: It's everybody's shit. Let's spread the shit out equally among every one. The Imperialists cause shit to happen,
• Comrade! Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit. The workers take all the shit, but the're gonna dish it back out again.
• Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone.
• Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit. That's MY shit.
• Democracy: Everyone has the same opportunity to make shit happen.
• Republic: We elect others to take care of shit for us.
• Libertarianism: Hands off my shit.
• Liberalism: Society's to blame for shit happening.
• Conservatism: Shit Happens, but not right now.
• Commercialism: Let's package this shit. Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
• South Africa: No more white shit.
• Japanese: Americans will buy all our shit.
• Victorianism: Excrement occurs, but we do not partake in its discussion in civilized society.
• Americanism: Who gives a shit?
• Egoism: I AM the shit!
• Feminism: This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up! Men are shit. Why does shit only happen to women?!
• Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
• Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
• Abstract expressionism: Look at this shit I just took on the canvas!
• Dadaism: Shit bzzt gim blim ba dum boop!
• Post-modernism: New shit is just a mix of old shit.
• Surrealism: Fish. Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
• Utilitarianism: Whatever does the most shit for the most people is best.
• Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit. Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
• Epicureanism: Shit happens - in moderation.
• Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Shit happening is absurd.
• Scientificism: We seem to think Shit Happens, but it's just a theory.
• Apathism: I don't give a shit. Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
• Idealism: I can deal with any shit.
• Objectivism: Shit is Shit.
• Denialism: What shit?
• Depressionism: Why can't shit happen to me too!
• Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
• Minimalism: Shit.
• Procrastinationism: I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
• Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. The limit of procrastinationism as t goes to infinity.
• Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever.
• Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me.
• Optimism: Shit will never happen.
• Pessimism: One of these days, shit will happen.
• Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
• Meliorism: Shit is happening now, but will soon cease to happen.
• Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up! No shit. Determinism:
• Obviously, that shit was bound to happen to you.
• Empiricism: Prove that shit!
• Epistemology: How do you know that shit?
• Pragmatism: Deal with one shit at a time. How can I put this shit to use?
• Skepticism: Nope. I will NOT be convinced that shit is happening.
• Steel Magnolianism: Honey chile, the Shit that Happens makes us stronger.
• Fascism: Shit won't happen if we kill everybody that's different.
• Anarchism: We are allowed to shit when we want. We are allowed to shit where we want. We should be allowed to shit what we want.
• Vandalism: Break all the shit you can.
• Hooliganism: Raise all the shit you can.
• Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
• Masochism: Do shit to ME.
• Sadism: I will shit on you!
• Coprophilia: Fuck that shit.
• Hitchhikerism: The answer to all shit is 42.
• Nonsequiturism: Sure, maybe shit happens, but Route 176 goes south.
• Mesmerism: You are getting sleepy...soon Shit will not happen....
• Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit.
• Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
• Spoonerism: Hit shappens.
• Aneurysm: Shit, my head hurts! :)
• Dyslexia: Tihs happens.
• Phone Company: 911. Because Shit happens.
• Murphyism: Shit will happen, at the worst possible time, and in the worst possible way.
• Divorcism: She's full of shit! He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit. ... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit!
• Anthropomorphism: Shit Happens to God, too.

In various professions

• Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
• Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
• Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.
• Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
• Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
• Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!! Damn this shit smells...
• Biologist: Is this shit alive?
• Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit.
• Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
• Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
• CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oh SHIT!
• Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
• Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please...
• Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit. Let all that shit go. This will really get the energy shit moving.
• Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
• Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
• Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
• Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
• Historian: The same shit happens again and again.
• Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy. My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit.
• Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
• Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =
• A Professor: Let's see how crazy they'll be neck-deep in my shit. Hey! I've got tenure! I don't give a shit about students.
• Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
• Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
• Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a male bovine) Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough.
• Marketing: This shit could sell, if only it came in different colors.
• IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
• Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit. Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
• Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out.
• NYC Cab Driver: Oops, looks like I hit that shit...
• Mechanic: Shit... this will cost a lot, mister.
• Chef: It needs some more of this green shit
• Musician: This shit is out of tune.
• Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit. Shit, I wish I'd thought of that. Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit.
• Poet: My childhood was shit -- let me share. Ode to a Grecian Shit. My love is like a red, red shit. ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit...
• Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers.

To famous people

• Heisenberg: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much.
• Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
• Einstein: God does not shit on the universe. Shit is Relative.
• Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit.
• Newton: Why did that shit fall on my head?
• Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
• Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
• Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.
• Reagan: Well, I do believe shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
• Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte?
• Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. Oh, shit! I shouldn't have let that state trooper watch.
• Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it. This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it. This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it.
• Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me?
• Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power.
• Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
• McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
• Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist... I have a shit...
• Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitti)
• FDR: Grunt softly and take a big shit.
• Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.
• John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.
• Stalin: The state treats you like shit.
• James Tiberius Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no man has shit before!
• Shirley MacClaine: Haven't I seen this shit before...
• Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind.
• Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question.
• Tonya Harding: hitS happen
• Bobbit: That WAS a long hard piece of shit.
• Stuart Smalley: Oh Shit! But! That's OK.
• Robin: Holy shit, Batman!
• Yoda: Use the shit, Luke. Do not yield to the dark side of the shit.
• Oliver Stone: The government's behind this shit.
• Beavis: Shit sucks.
• Butt-head: Huh-huh, huh-huh, you said "shit".

To your pets

• Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit. I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers. When I catch a car, it will shit! Oh shit, I caught it!
• Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan? Let me sleep, you pathetic shit. Dogs are shit. I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's.
• Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit. Always the same dried shit for dinner?
• Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit.
• Rat: Hey, let's get out of this cage and shit somewhere...

To major corporations

• NASA: For a mere couple of billion dollars, we can make your shit disappear into space.
• IBM: Big Blue Shit. Motorola: Our shit is Six Sigma.
• Apple: We don't want this shit unless is makes a profit. That shit looks and feels like our shit!
• Microsoft: NO! That shit looks and feels like OUR shit!
• Intel: The shit inside.
• McDonalds: You want fries with your McShit?
• Taco Bell: Shit, shit supreme!
• GM/Saturn: If it needs to be recalled, it's probably our shit.
• Ford: Our shit is Job One. Have you had a shit lately?
• BMW: The ultimate shitting machine Chevy:
• The shitbeat of America VW: Fahrvergshitgen.
• Toyota: I LOVE when you shit on me. (See also masochism)
• Volvo: Our shit is boxy but it's good.
• Sony: Everyone wants our shit.
• Coca-Cola: It's the Real Shit.
• Pepsi: The shit of a new generation.
• WalMart: We sell our shit for less, always.

 

car?

4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?

5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?

10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

15. Why is there always one in every crowd?

16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?

19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?