A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Joy’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews Please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Joy’s Mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.

"Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

FRANKFURT, Germany – Customs agents announced Friday a huge capture of illegal passengers at Frankfurt’s airport: 1,300 Mexican spiders hidden in the luggage of a French woman.

The woman, who was not identified, was arrested September 3 on suspicion of smuggling a protected species, customs officials said.

The estimated value of the hairy Mexican bird spiders was $14,000.

Agents became suspicious because the woman had an unusually large amount of luggage for the short trip she had been on.

The manner in which the luggage was packed also indicated professional smuggling, a customs statement said.

[My question: What do you do with $14,000 worth of spiders, and who’s paying for these things?]

A woman opened the door of a building and was about to step outside when she heard a voice saying, "Don’t take that next step or you’ll regret it."

She paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement right where she would have been standing. She looked around and there was no one nearby.

The next day this woman was about to step into the street when she heard this same voice say, "Don’t take that next step or you’ll regret it."

As she paused a truck came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle.

She knew if she hadn’t listened to that voice she would have been hurt badly, or maybe even killed.

She looked behind her and there was no one nearby. "All right," she said, "Who are you ?"

"I’m your guardian angel," the voice replied.

"Aha," the woman said, "So where were you on my wedding day?"

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.

What do you get in the end of it?

A death.

What’s that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way.

You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous (hey, you’ve only got a few years left, what’s the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby.

The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then

You finish off as an orgasm!

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.