Star Trek "Lost Episodes" Transcript 0votes
Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?"
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at
an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command
unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We
however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards.
Riker: "Captain we don't have any other choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data: "Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard: "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft
Fun-Pack'.
Picard: "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
(Over the speakers)
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE
POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER
ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker: "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of
deep space?!"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans sir. If you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits"
(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but appearently some must have survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often
proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch. Not even the Borg
deserve that."
Mistress Merits 0votes
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
Changing A Light Bulb Legally 0votes
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
- The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
- Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
- Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occurin a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
Ben Dover And C.
Howett Fields Attorneys At Law
Q & A 0votes
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on
the ass and say, "You're next!"
Q: How does
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What do women and prawns have in common?
A. There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get fucked.
Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.
Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.
Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.
Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner,
since 1945?
A: Lester Piggott's cell mate.
Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.
Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.
Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
Outbluffed 0votes
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.
The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release, took he check and cashed it in the store, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher ... "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won that case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand .. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied .. "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durn bull came home this morning!!"