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5 Lawyer Jokes

Mistress Merits

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties.

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Not So Bad

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake.

The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape.

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Paternity Suit

"Because my client is uncertain which of the two men with whom she lived concurrently is the father of her child, Your Honor," stated the lawyer, "she seeks to combine them as joint

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One Liners

  • A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to remove it.
  • BOSS spelled backwards is double S-O-B.
  • Celibacy is *NOT* an inherited characteristic.
  • Children are
  • Contraceptives should be used at every conceivable opportunity.
  • Do you know what a virgin dreams of? I thought not.
  • Familiarity breeds children.
  • Honest officer! I was just eating the fries she dropped.
  • I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
  • If all the world's a stage, where are the gratuitous sex scenes?
  • If at first you don't succeed, try Vaseline.
  • If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
  • Of course I'll respect you in the morning. Now roll over.
  • Pro-Lifers insist on laboring over a misconception.
  • You can't read a girl like a book but it's fun browsing the pages.
  • 37% of men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
  • A girls best asset is her liability ('lie'ability).
  • Old Truckers never die, they just get a new Peterbuilt.
  • Women fake orgasm, Men fake foreplay.
  • The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
  • Today is the last day of your life so far.
  • Support bacteria; it's the only culture some people have!
  • My doctor has a date with a man for whom she performed a vasectomy . . . She Believes in Reaping what she sews
  • Have you heard of the new Lesbian Radio Network? National Pube Lick Radio
  • What I lack in restraint, I make up for in remorse.
  • A married man can do anything he likes if his wife don't mind.
  • Baudy House: Bordello With A Modem.
  • Electric chairs are period furniture: they end a sentence Wouldn't period furniture be a chair made from dried, used tampons?
  • I found it to be true this weekend that most women like the quiet things in the folding of a $50 bill....
  • You know what I really like about you.....No? Damn I was hoping you could give me a reason.
  • I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.
  • Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
  • Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
  • My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.
  • Franck Dubosc "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
  • Gary Valentine (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
  • Jeff Green "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
  • John Wing "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
  • Francois Morency "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
  • Tim Steeves "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
  • Jimmy Shubert "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
  • Ken Scott "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blowjob no matter how bad it is."
  • Lenny Clarke "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
  • Ren Hicks "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
  • Elon Gold "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
  • Kevin James "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
  • Emo Philips "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
  • My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head."
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'
  • Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
  • What's with the squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt.
  • When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
  • By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry."
  • Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.
  • If the tobacco and gun industries can be held liable for product abusers, why can't parents be held responsible for the actions of their children?
  • A wife is that wonderful woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn't have had to face if he would have only stayed single in the first place.
  • Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to ... until she got an unlisted number.
  • Have y'all heard about the new Texas bra to be on the market soon? According to the manufacturer, it "rounds 'em up and heads 'em out."
  • Two fat blokes are in a pub. One says to the other, "Your round." The other one says, "So are you, you fat bastard."
  • When the media does it, it's called "news coverage." When an individual does it, it's called "stalking."
  • Personally, I think if all the women's libbers in the world were laid end to end, that would be the best thing that could happen to them.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • My sex life is a disaster. Last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.
  • If you're coasting, you're either losing momentum or else you're headed downhill.
  • There is only a slight difference between keeping your chin up and sticking your neck out - but it's a difference worth knowing.
  • If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.
  • The new receptionist at work is tough... at least that's what her parole officer told me.
  • More people should be bisexual. After all, it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  • My boss says I'm being replaced by a machine! Funny, that's what my wife says.
  • Very few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
  • My accountant told me I could save a lot of money by dying before the first of the year.
  • To err is human but to rub it in is divine.
  • You're middle aged when your wife gets pregnant, and you know exactly when it happened.
  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
  • Life sucks. I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.
  • Did you hear that Ben Hur had a sex change operation? Now he's Ben Gay.
  • Did You hear about the gay plastic surgeon who hung himself?

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The Defendant

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," replied my brother-in-law, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who

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