- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Why do we say something is out
of whack? What is a whack?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
- "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
- Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?Read More
The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers.
It seems people were confused as to which side to spit on.
The Things Lawyers Say
The following are actual questions asked by actual lawyers in actual court.
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: Was that the same
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: How long have you been French Canadian?
Q: Do you have any children, or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask if you recognize the person in the picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when this picture was taken?
Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8?
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children right?
Q: How many of them were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they also go up?
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 8:30.
Q: And Mr. Jones was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid bastard, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore.
Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10.
The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off.
After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud.
To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter.
To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.
He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.
The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around.
After a while, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
The proprietor said, that will be $10 for
The man said, "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story."
He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.
The further he walked, the more rats followed.
He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him.
So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did and all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, "Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?"
"No," replied the man, "I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!"