5 Lawyer Jokes

nose you broke as a child?

 

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q: Did he kill you?

 

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

 

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

 

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

 

Q: How long have you been French Canadian?

 

Q: Do you have any children, or anything of that kind?

 

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask if you recognize the person in the picture?

A: That's me.

Q: Were you present when this picture was taken?

 

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

 

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are?

A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

 

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

 

Q: She had three children right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many of them were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Q: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

 

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they also go up?

 

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started at about 8:30.

Q: And Mr. Jones was dead at the time, is that correct?

A: No, you stupid bastard, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

 

diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore.

Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10.

The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off.

After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud.

To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter.

To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.

The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

 

the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it.

The man said, "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story."

He purchased the brass rat and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him.

The further he walked, the more rats followed.

He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him.

So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store shortly and when he walked in, the proprietor said, "Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?"

"No," replied the man, "I came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!"