The next time you’re having a bad day, imagine this:

You’re a Siamese twin. Your brother is gay and you’re not.

But you only have the one ass.

Feel better?

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

Three little ducks go into a Bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great.
Lovely day.
Had a ball.
Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. 

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great.
Lovely day.
I've had a ball too.
Been in and out of puddles all day myself.
What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But…

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks.
My mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque’ picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what’s this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"