5 Lawyer Jokes

a chance to have sex.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine"?

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1.25, but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"?
A: Is it in?

Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off when you die.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: Moms have Mother's Day, Dads have Father's Day, what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.

Q: What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
A: Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives tails.

Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands.

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Someone's fixin to lose them a trailer house.

Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan

 

was a small town.

One attorney was very expensive.

He usually won his case by having costly out of town experts testify.

The other attorney was cheap.

His forte was jury selection, he usually could get a juror or two that would be sympathetic to his client.

The Defendant chose the less expensive lawyer.

The first day of the trial the witness was told to tell the jury exactly what he saw on the morning of March 15th.

He stated that He happened to look out his kitchen window about 8 AM and he saw Sam drop his pants and have sex with a tan colored goat.

And when he finished the goat turned around and licked his penis.

At this time a front row juror was heard to say to another juror " You know, a good goat will do that " !

 

"and what's your third question?"

few insinuations and vague generalities tossed back and forth.

But this was the day when the wife was to take the witness stand for the first time, and the courtroom was filled to capacity.

Testifying before her own lawyer, she projected an image of sweet innocence, as she told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice.

At long last the wife's direct testimony came to an end, and the husband's attorney was given the opportunity to cross-examine.

He first re-established her name, relationship to the plaintiff, and other details of identification.

Then he picked up a paper from the table, studied it a moment, turned to her and asked, "Is it not true, Madam, that on the night of June twelfth, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle that passed through the center of Libertyville at speeds in excess of sixty miles per hour?"

The wife turned pale, but retained her remarkable self-control, and her voice was almost perfectly steady as she asked, "What was that date again?"

 

says, "You know my son graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and lives in Los Angeles."

The last woman says, "You know my son; he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"

The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."