5 Lawyer Jokes

In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times Includes some late night humor

• WARNING - may be offensive to Kenneth Starr (sorry Jack, couldn't leave it alone),
  Dan Quayle, impotent men, downsized employees of Motorola, Southern Baptists, women, men, the Amish, snails, the Navy, sufferers of Tourette's syndrome.
• The grand jury judge in the Starr - Clinton investigation has told lawyers for Kenneth Starr and President Clinton that there are to be no more leaks to the press. That information was, of course, immediately leaked to the press.
• Ken Starr has Secret Service agents testifying. He wants White House lawyers to testify. He wants private investigators to testify. He wants personal secretaries to testify. He was even seen on the White House lawn, trying to get Buddy to speak.
• In the recent California governor's race, the big loser was Al Checchi, who spent $40 million of his own money and has nothing to show for it. Kenneth Starr said, "Tell me about it." (Leno)
• Dan Quayle may be running for president. He said if he doesn't get the nomination in 2000, he'll try again four years later, in the year 6000. (Leno)
• Scientists now believe that El Nino is responsible for making our days one tenth of a millisecond longer. That's a relief. I thought I was imagining it.
• Tornadoes, brush fires, flooding and drought have bombarded the U.S. in the last two months. It's becoming a political issue. This week, Al Gore called for less violence on the Weather Channel.
• The FDA is looking into the deaths of six men who were taking Viagra. The sad thing is, to impotent guys, death is just a minor side effect. (Leno)
• Two Amish men in Pennsylvania were arrested for distributing cocaine. Police knew they were on to something when they discovered a crack barn.
• Actor Charlton Heston was elected president of the National Rifle Association. The NRA has waited a long time for man of his caliber.
• Motorola is laying off 15,000 people. The good news is, the company is giving them 30 free minutes to clear out their desks.
• Despite his recent death and burial, the Sinatra family announced that Frank Sinatra is doing fine and should recover soon.
• A Southern Baptist group declared that men should be the leader of the household and that women should submit to their men's wishes. The group also declared they'll be sleeping on the couch until further notice. (O'Brien)
• Astronomers are claiming that Pluto is not really a planet. Of course not, he's a dog.
• Mitsubishi Motors has agreed to pay a record $34 million to settle sexual harassment claims. In addition, Mitsubishi has agreed to change the name of its upcoming new car, the Bimbo.
• Researchers say an infection could be responsible for Tourette's syndrome, a disease causing involuntary outbursts of noise and swearing. Truck drivers appear to be especially susceptible to the infection.
• When Ginger Spice left the Spice Girls, a reporter commented to the remaining girls that they are now a quartet. One of them replied, "Please, no math."
• Ginger Spice says she left over differences. I think we can rule out creative. (Leno)
• I would like to send this message to my neighbors - that wasn't an earthquake you felt last Sunday. I am happy to announce that I now have nuclear weapons. (Miller)
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Youngman)
• According to a recent survey, the first thing a man notices on a woman is her eyes. According to another survey, men lie a lot!
• Scientists have discovered a new species of snail. Well, it took them long enough.
• Sailors have long complained that the Navy's uniforms are decades out of date, making it impossible to find a matching purse and pumps.