5 Lawyer Jokes

Obvious
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After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.

The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.

If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?

He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two – the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.

But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir," answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

 

What I’ve Learned About Life In A Nut Shell
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  • I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
  • I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
  • I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
  • I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities or political figures.
  • I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades.
  • I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
  • I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

 

Stress Relief
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Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through your nose.

Exhale slowly.

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You breathe deeply.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise.

You let him up … just for a quick breath … then ploop! …

Back under he goes.

You allow yourself to take as many deep breaths as you want.

There now … feeling better?

 

Dire Trouble
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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.

His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble.

He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He begins to pray…

"God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays…

"God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays…

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Swedish
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A girlfriend I used to have was raised in Sweden .

Yet she spoke English without an accent.

However, every now and again, she would mix up some idiomatic phrases.

One day a man entered the office where she worked as a secretary.

Using a Swedish phrase, but not quite translating it right, she asked, "May I help you take your clothes off?"

The man, startled, stepped back.

Realizing what she had said, but trying to put him at ease, she added, "It’s okay, really. I’m Swedish."

 

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