Blonde Nails 0votes
Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!"
Shopping With Grandma 0votes
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words "Queen Size."
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
Luke & Sarah 0votes
A man and woman were having marital problems and decided to visit a councillor.
During the session the man complained about his wife’s constant naggings and mood swings.
He also commented about their uneventful sexlife.
His wife complained about his lack of interest in their marital affairs, claiming that he would prefer to drink beer with his mates than spend a night with his family.
She told the councillor, "I think myself and Luke are through."
Her husband, Luke replies "Well councillor what do you suggest I should do with Sarah?"
The councillor replied "Use divorce, Luke".
I Suppose You Think Thats Funny? 0votes
There were three men standing on the top of the Empire State Building…
An American, an Englishman and an Irishman.
The American says. " I can fly around this building three times, do a triple somersault before landing right back here,"
"oh yeah!" said the Irishman. "Bet you can’t!".
With that the American dives off the building, flies three times round it, soaring high into the air, descending through a triple somersault before landing right next to the other two men.
"That was brilliant" exclaimed the Irishman, "I will do that but with four somersaults."
The Irishman dives off the building and plummets to the ground at great speed and a sickening ‘splat.’
The Englishman looks at the American and says….. "And I suppose you think that’s funny, Superman!"
What Do You Give? 0votes
In a small town in the south of Ireland, there were two churches, as there always are in small towns in the south of Ireland, a small, modest Protestant church and a large, fancy Catholic church.
On a certain Saturday, the Catholic priest came down with the flu and he called and asked the Protestant pastor to substitute for him at Mass on the following Sunday.
The pastor told the priest that he would like to help, but he knew nothing of the Catholic faith or the rituals of the Mass.
The Priest responded that there were several alter boys and priests in training who would help him through the rough spots, but he really needed the pastor, because a rousing sermon was the thing his congregation needed the most.
Somewhat reluctantly, the pastor agreed.
The priest then asked him to do the confession after the Mass.
At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the various penances straight.
The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering all of the various punishments, but he had written them all down in a small book, which he had hidden under the seat.
If a person said: “Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done “this”, “that” and “the other thing”, he simply had to look them up and give the person his or her punishment.
Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.
On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well.
The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation responded to his sermon very well.
He had chosen “The 10 Commandments” because it always goes over well.
With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his way into the confessional booth.
The first person, a young woman, said: “Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done “A”, “B” and “C”” and, sure enough, he found all of the sins and their individual punishments clearly written out in the priest’s neat handwriting.
It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people’s private lives.
Up to the last person, that is.
An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: “Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have had anal intercourse once again.”
The pastor looked up “anal intercourse” in the book.
It wasn’t there!
He fervently tried “sodomy”, “butt fucking”, “rectal sex” and everything else he could think of but none of them were in the book!
He excused himself and ran into the priest’s small office and called him on the telephone.
When the priest answered, he said: “Quick, tell me, what do you give for “anal sex”?
The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: “Well, it all depends. Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream come. But usually not money.”